Love, Dad - Bereavement, Grief, and Healing After A Significant Death

by Robert Wilkinson

After long reflection and meditation, I decided it was time to write something on grief and bereavement, since events that throw us into deep grief can safely be called an "intersection of fate and free will." Losing a loved one is one of the hardest, and occasionally THE hardest, thing that happens to us humans. The price of love is grief, since if we choose to love another in this impermanent world, one of us must go first, and the other is left to grieve. Grief is an acknowledgment of the love that we shared. It happens to all of us, sooner or later, and when it does, it creates a rip in the fabric of our lives. When a loved one dies, whether our parent, child, spouse, sibling, grandparent, friend, or pet, our lives change forever, in big ways and small. It triggers major inner changes, and offers us a chance to know what is truly important to us and what is not. Though difficult, we must learn to heal if our lives are to be lived with purpose or meaning after the death, and not simply be an unending struggle with feelings we don't want to have.

Regardless of who, or where, or how, the death of a loved one triggers an immediate grief response. However, it is important to note here that grieving is more than just feeling badly; it is a sacred work that must be done if we are to heal from the loss to whatever degree is possible, and move into our future unencumbered by the shock and heaviness resulting from the death. Either we choose to heal, or we suppress the pain and our world goes pretty flat and grey. For some, healing is relatively quick, while for others it can take many years to come to peace with the loss. What works one time may not work at other times, and even when you feel like you've reached a relative level of peace, you may occasionally find yourself going still deeper, with painful feelings coming up again. Then it is important not to judge yourself for feeling badly, and instead appreciate that your self-awareness is deepening, and therefore your capacity to love and show compassion to yourself and others.

There are many ways to grieve, and I have found that each is an "expert" on their own grief process. There are many feelings to be experienced, most of them difficult. Often well-meaning people will try to "help" the newly bereaved by offering platitudes, advice, or unfortunately, forms of controlling behavior, such as telling the bereaved "don't cry," or "it's okay to cry." Most of the hundreds of bereaved people I've known and worked with do not want to hear these kinds of offerings, and do not need to be coaxed into behaviors that may or may not work for them in that moment. People who grieve are walking between two worlds, life and death, and have to deal with deep feelings the best they are able. While it is appropriate to suggest forms of therapy, meditation, worship, and healing rituals, ultimately those who grieve must find their own way through the darkness, which may not resemble anything that others can understand.

It is important not to isolate when in grief, even though that is a normal response due to feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed with feelings that are out of control. The death of a loved one is certainly a time when we need caring, compassionate people around, and those who are dealing with death need support. A support group can be especially valuable when doing deep grief work. It is also normal to sustain feelings of loss, heaviness, and sadness long after the event. Just keep in mind that too much grief is not good for a person to sustain over years, as it can turn toxic and affect every part of your life, whether you know it or not. If you know someone who has sustained a major loss and they are still having difficulty years after the event, they may need professional help.

The result of healthy grief work is not that it becomes more morbid, but rather the departed loved one and associated memories become incorporated in the life in forms of deep significance. One component to the grief process and healing is the importance of honoring the various anniversaries that come up connected to our departed loved one. Since we'll be remembering them anyway, we may as well use the time to reflect on what they meant to us, and how our lives changed for the better as a result of our time together on Earth. That way we honor the bond of timeless love that we shared, and can find a deeper compassion for who we are in our imperfect and wounded human condition.

I wrote "Love, Dad" hoping that it could help those bereaved who are struggling with the death of their nearest and dearest. I have received a lot of feedback over the years that it succeeds in that modest intention. If you know someone dealing with a significant death, you may find that some things I offer in the work can help your grieving friends and loved ones to find their way back to a more purposeful life, or at least ease their suffering even a little. Even though it was written about my experience with a specific type of death, I have found that there are some universals in grief work, and that by understanding the process, all forms of grief can be healed keeping those universals in mind.

If for some reason you can't get a copy from your local bookstore, I keep a number on hand for sale. If you would like to purchase a copy from me, or find out more about the specifics of the work, please email me at laughingcat51@hotmail.com and we can take it from there. And now, a couple of pieces from "Love, Dad:"

From "Love as the Ultimate Healer:"

... Most are eager to learn and grow in ways that will make their lives better and lessen their pain. I have encouraged each to find the healing way appropriate for them, as long as the process remains harmless. Harmlessness allows love to come forth.

The more you embrace love as the ultimate healer, the less you want to harm or be harmed. True healing always seems to lead to less fear. As fear is diminished by an increasingly compassionate view, our life is transformed. Love is greater than any loss, making it a universally valid constant in all grief work. Love yourself, love your child, love your mate, and love everything and everyone else. It is guaranteed to be safe under all conditions, and universally leads to more love.

Still, as loving as you are, be careful how much grief you take on at one time. It takes time to heal your grief, and your feelings will occasionally get overloaded. Just keep loving yourself. As you heal, you will outlast and outlive the stinging acid of your sorrow. Since you do not know when the process will end, live and love one moment at a time. You do not have to push the river. Let it flow, and move through your deep feelings. Find your own level, and shift as needed. There are no medals for pushing yourself beyond your level of grief-endurance, so when in doubt, love and breathe and love. Ultimately, your emotions bind you to all others in your Soul-field within time.

At some intangible points in the process your pain becomes compassion for the pain of others, and your sorrow, the grief of the world. This opens the door to a deeper mystery around how you may be a comforter of others, thereby losing your personal sorrow in a selfless Soul service.

From "The Quest:"

Being a vast mystery, death creates a void, and impels you to accept a quest, whether for meaning, purpose, or simply relief from suffering. In any case, your life will never be the same again. You really cannot do anything about the past, except learn from it. You can, however, do something about your future, which has been altered irrevocably. It helps to take an inventory of coping skills by looking at past losses and how you handled them. See your strengths and identify what you need in your present pain. Merely revising your attitude is not enough to heal deep wounds. Learn to use the ego-shattering experience to examine and change your life patterns as needed.

In this process of self renewal, notice carefully the tremendous changes going on inside yourself, involving your feelings, impressions, interpretations, and realizations. These inner changes are related to the changes going on in your outer world, and they are the signposts for a new life. See how you are the same, and how you are different.

Of course, there is always more to be explored. More grieving, more healing, more work, more play, more joy to be found, uncovered from the depths of the hell you have been through. It is a lifelong mystery to be worked (and played) with, an ego-challenge like no other. It is a facet of the mystery of your life quest for purpose. This is a pivotal point in your life story where you may find understanding and meaning. We all have a higher potential in action, thought, and feeling. Confronting death helps us to glimpse that potential. To what end will you use your experience and feelings and insights? How are they serving you? Are you learning patience, relevance, and forgiveness to find peace of mind? You can use the silent spaces to listen to your heart.

On this sacred day, I hope that all of you reading this, and especially those who grieve for a dead loved one, find some measure of healing and true peace of mind. Aum and blessings.

Comments

[Lynn Hayes]

Robert, this is a beautiful article. I've been lurking for sometime but came out to thank you for this. I particularly like the paragraphs from "The Quest." I have Pluto in the third house conjunct Moon and nadir, and I am fascinated by the transformation of the death process and these paragraphs are an eloquent expression of what I believe to be true.

[Robert]

Hi Lynn -

Thanks for the compliment. I pondered a looooong time about whether to post anything on this subject, since it's hard even to think about such things, much less comment in a public forum. Many are wary of exposing their raw pain, but I wrote the work precisely so those who are shipwrecked in hell know they are not alone, and what to expect as they move through deep feelings.

What you read is just a portion of "The Quest" which itself is a little section toward the end of the book. There is more that will interest you, given what you have written here. Everything in the book is experiential, and describes what I found happening during my own and others' grief process.

As one with Neptune in the 3rd conjunct my nadir, I can identify with your experience, since both Neptune and Pluto are forces that deal with ultimates in existence. And FYI, Neptune rules my 8th, and since it's in the 3rd it's not surprising I would write about 8th house matters.

[abacus]

i moved from my homeland to a foreign land 3-4 years ago and everything got taken away, its not quite like a physical death and i really don't know who has passed away - me myself or those i left far away - but its very hard to rebuild everything about and around yourself. sometimes we just have to move on and leave them be.

[Robert]

Abacus - Deaths come in many ways and forms. Ultimately, all forms pass away, and are replaced with forms more attuned to who we are in the now. We grieve many things, and it all shows us the mystery of what we have to learn about radical love, compassion, detachment, forgiveness, and the determination that we will be as happy as we make up our minds to be, regardless of which one or more of the seven sacred wounds we have to endure to find our way to our highest destiny and wisdom. And when it's time to move on, there's not much else to do, except breathe and love and breathe and love and breathe and love and... It's all an adventure in learning how to adapt, and love, and take a larger point of view on what is possible.

[abacus]

thanks

[Robert]

Sure. We've all been in a form of hell at one time or another. And it sure is great when the process of grieving is complete, as then leaving hell is natural and spontaneous, and results in lightness, clarity, and a sense of the possible.

[Sally]

Thanks for your opinion, Robert. My friend had just lost her father and I don't know how can I help... even what to say... I'm just trying to spend with her all my free time to share her grief.

[Robert]

Hi Sally - Usually when a friend of mine loses a loved one, I try to do meditations toward helping the departed person's eternal Spirit navigate through the "heavenworld," trying to send them thoughtforms so they get free of fear and confusion at being in another world entirely.

I believe any form of practical service you can do for your friend as she moves through her grief is also supportive, whether cooking, maybe hanging out doing laundry, or just offering walks in the park or by the ocean or wherever, depending on where you live.

Sometimes nature walks help, at other times digging in a garden and planting something. Sometimes silence, sometimes presence, sometimes solitude, always "running interference" with the world and its pressing nonsense, and reminding your friend of the love that was, is and will be. You must truly be a good friend.

[Tara]

Dear Robert, I thank you for writing on bereavement, one of the most difficult of states to negotiate.

My present loss is a little different. I am going through a divorce after almost twenty years of marriage, one lovingly supported by friends and family but which could not sustain itself. In this period when things fall apart and the centre seems not to hold, your website which I stumbled upon a few months ago, and an astrology column I have been reading for a couple of years, have kept me on a more or less even keel through the many months leading up to it into the present.

As I navigate this immense process of grieving while dealing with the legalities and the concomitant pressures of forging a new path in uncharted territory, away from family and most friends, away from the land of my birth, away from home as I knew it, away from the resources that were once at my disposal, I take some of my guidance from your page and find a calm in the knowledge that the difficult times - the Grand Irrationality - have not been mine alone and that these times call for noble and right action.

It is time to find wisdom in the suffering that this living bereavement brings and I remind myself that we are not given more suffering to endure than that which is within our capacity to endure.

When I lost my father and then my mother, the grieving was of a different vein. This, where the notion of death is less tangible, but no less present, is the more difficult to accommodate because forgiveness of the other and of oneself for pain received and given, constitutes a necessary part of the healing and of the transformation of the loss into something that can transcend this immediate plane of present suffering, and also help retain and cherish the numerous and deep blessings that came of that same marriage.

The trines you had written about did make a difference, and today, after the solar eclipse, there has been an unexpected and deeper articulation of possibilities, and a confluence of seemingly disparate elements reaching a strange harmony, and offering new meaning.

Your column has made it easier to receive the kindness and generosity that used to be my lot to give. I learn about humility and about the true nature of kindness, I learn what is indispensible and what is not, and I thank you again for holding my hand, as you do countless others, through the most difficult time of my life.

I am an April Taurus with an Aries Moon, life path 9 and 2006 is my personal year 1.

Sincerely,
Tara

[Robert]

Hi Tara - All loss is lousy, yet it does teach us detachment and appreciation of what and who is left when it's over, and those friends who have stood with us as we navigate through the grief as best we are able. I've also lost a long-term marriage, so thanks for telling me that some of what I've been offering has helped you stay on a "more or less even keel." I couldn't use the words I do unless I had been there at one time or another.

It sounds like you've been thrown on a quest, and sometimes that's the best thing to do when you really don't need anything that's familiar reminding you of what has been. Just don't let your brain stuff distract from the great and deep heart strengthening that is going on, now that you're withdrawing from all the projections, and withdrawing your own.

Glad you know you're not alone in the Grand Irrationality, and see how we're ALL going through it, which is throwing us all into some pretty strange stuff. I believe that if we reference our heart, then regardless of how much things make little or no sense, we will still know what to do and not lose our integrity as we move through the soup. I also feel that the suffering we go through is our authentic experience that no one can deny or take away from us, and a means by which we serve those we meet who also suffer from similar afflictions on their own life path. Pass it forward, and all that.

Losing parents is its own grief, which I have not experienced so far. I have lost many, many friends over the years, and quite a few of them never made it to 40, which has its own jagged edge. The death of a long marriage is fairly devastating, in that you grieve all that could have been but never will be. That's part of what inspired my post earlier today.

I have found my forgiveness came easier as I moved on into my new life, with new experiences and time to reflect on everything while the raw wound healed. Once it's healed a while, it's not so constantly painful, since the wave form diminishes if we don't feed it. It's not that time heals all wounds (though time wounds all heels!) but that with subsequent experiences, we have more time and space to see the larger process without focusing on the bomb blast that just happened. And of course, it always helps to move the conditional love into an unconditional space, since there's really nothing else to do in this impermanent world.

Very happy you've reached a degree of harmony and meaning as a result of what you read here. You will again be able to offer kindness and generosity to others once you have a chance to recharge your magnetism for awhile. And you're welcome. I'm told I'm a pretty good "hand holder" so thank you for that. Saturn lower square your Sun is a real trip, isn't it? The eclipse on your Moon fits what's happening, but with Saturn trine your Moon it's probably going to yield long-term stability and a new adventure once Mars conjuncts Saturn in June, and that point gets vitalized late July into August.

Jupiter opposing your Sun shows you will be discovering a greater purpose, and need to keep the initiative in your own hands as you cultivate a form of expansive self-expression. It clearly indicates that Mars is the key to your success in the near future, as it rules your Solar 7th and therefore rules Jupiter in your Solar 7th. Sorry you're going through a hard time, but I know you'll distill heart strength from it. Thanks for opening up and being so complimentary in your time of grief.

[cb]

Hi Robert,

I really enjoy your blog and find it very insightful.

My mom (b. 4/14/41) died very unexpectedly from a heart attack on 4/25/06. I am also an Aries (b. 4/15/71 at 12:15 a.m. NYC) and was hoping for some insight into this difficult time. I know that Uranus is squaring my moon in Sag.

I am really allowing myself to grieve during this time, and this is opening up a whole new way of relating to my dad which is a good thing. I am also feeling some guilt because I am self-employed and my ambition is really lacking. I am hoping to move in the direction of being a film writer/director. I know this is vague, but any insights you have into astrology trends at this time would be much appreciated.

[Robert]

Hi cb - First, let me express that I am sorry you lost your mom so young. It was certainly a Saturn lesson, and no doubt matured you in many ways. Remember there was a Solar Eclipse in Aries not long ago, so our tribe is already in motion into the new, saying goodbye to an old way of seeing ourselves and our light.

If you need to grieve, there's no other time but when it's time. Each knows this for themselves, and we never should miss that sacred moment in time to honor something far deeper than the white noise of our external existence. That's why when we're doing deep inner work our outer work suffers. It's because we're focused on other things.

Inevitably the mind rises to judge that something is not "getting done" in the outer world. Of course it's not. You're not focused on outer world things when you're in the grief world. When the mind intrudes, it may be a signal to begin small steps of re-entry, or it could be just the monkey mind running in circles, since that's how it makes its living. Then concentration on the realizatons of the heart is important, since there's a shift going on, and experience to be processed. The formula is realization, application, and then skillful utilization of the wisdom distilled from the experiences of realization and practicum.

As an Aries, you can't do it any other way than the way you understand, so since it's unique to you, flow with it, move on to new electricity, and stop fretting that it does or doesn't look this or that way. Pioneering views are just that - entirely new perspectives not relatable to what went before. Listen to your heart, be alert to signs of a current that could direct you to your intention, and move slowly into the stream. As an Aries, I'm also having to do that in my own way as well, FWIW.

Mars conunct Saturn moving into a trine in your Solar 5th will be good for playing at your work and working at your play. Mars will track it, Saturn will crystalized it over the next two years. Jupiter in the Solar 7/8 is good for regeneration and pushing upward for the next few years. You just need more natural and spontaneous self-confidence of self-expression, appropriate to your matured self as a result of the profound loss. Find a way to turn the experience into an expression appropriate to the needs of our times, and you're on your way. Aum Namah Shivaya!

[Paul]

strugling to cope w/passing of my 23 year old son,i feel cheated it,angry,phisically and mentally tire i having a hard time with this,contant thoughts of what went on dur5ing his illnes,how hard he fought

[Robert]

Hi Paul - First, let me express my profound condolences for the loss of your son at waaay too young an age. It is natural for all of us bereaved parents to feel like we were cheated of the great times we assumed would come. I felt a million years old and tired beyond description for awhile, but eventually doing my grief work helped me not feel so heavy all the time. I also tried to not let anger dominate my feelings, as it deflected me from the grief I was feeling. I wrote about that in the book. I didn't cram it down, but I also didn't want it to overwhelm my more tender feelings just below the surface.

It is very hard to have hung in there so long fighting a disease and still not have a happy ending. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason for what happened or why, and all we can do is grieve the best we're able, breathing and loving and breathing and loving and getting through the night. And of course, since I know you love your son unconditionally, that deeper loving connectedness with him will ultimately heal your pain, and enable you to make it through the night. There will eventually be a day that follows this dark night of your Soul, even though it may not seem that way right now. Hang in there, and do whatever it takes to heal your grief. If you want or need to, please email me. Again, please accept my sincere regrets and condolences. We are truly the "world's most reluctant club."

[IZWH]

I cannot thank you (and everyone who so generously posted on this subject that's now gradually escaping taboo status...) enough for this.

My (we call her "infant", since there were 9 years between the former "baby" sister's and her birth...) infant sister's Dad just passed. There were (2) energetic repasts, and I didn't see or know how to succeed (family history) in creating space, especially for her to be supported in non-escapist attending of her grief initiation.

A pattern had been set, when, nearly a decade ago, her spouse and the father of her children also transitioned.

Reading this, I intuit that even Scorpio Moon privacy will allow in this healing energy source;-)

Robert and community: you manifest such welcome and abundant humanity;-)

Gratitude & Shalom;-)

[Robert]

Hi IZWH - You bet. Of course, you and all others who share the experience of losing a loved one are welcome, since grief is one of the most powerful feelings of all, and can both destroy and regenerate a life in difficult and miraculous ways. I believe healing comes as we recognize we are Eternals bonded by Unconditional Love, and so can accept the Way of things without getting hung up on unhelpful actions, feelings and thoughts. Definitely thanks for posting. Aum, blessings, and L'chaiim!

[michele]

once again Robert, you open your heart and heartfelt wisdom pours out
revealing our connectedness and humanity

aum shanti

michele

[Robert]

Hi Michele - This was the first post on the subject. I had pondered for quite a while if I should share anything of my journey to hell and back, and figured that if this could serve to comfort even one who is shipwrecked there, then I should publish it. Same with the book. It was many years before I decided to make it available to the world rather than just to those bereaved who found themselves in a group where we could share our experiences. There are many in our world who feel ashamed, powerless, sad, frustrated, and all the other complex feelings that come with such a loss, and our modern world seems indifferent to the fact that we cannot simply "put it behind us" in a day or week or month or year. So much sadness, so much pain, so much suffering, with few roadmaps and guides but a lot of judgment, both harsh and well-meant, usually aimed at "helping" us suppress the hard edges of our pain. Eventually we'll restore "right relationship" with ourselves, each other, and our beautiful Earth, but only as we end the present heresy of separateness and see the one life that we are all. Thanks for the work you do. Your love and commitment to a better life and world were/are evident in the eyes and hearts of those students I met.

[Dina Kerik]

Robert, I found this post after my first posting on the T Square for the end of March 2008. I have to tell you that I got great comfort from reading it. I'm no novice to death. My entire birth family is gone from disease or murder. I've lost many, many friends and loved ones over the years - just before these last 3 this month, another dear friend passed in September 2007. I 'get' that I have to deal with abandonment issues and have definitely become more compassionate to others. Thank you for this article. It was what I needed to read here.

Blessings,
Dina

[Robert]

Hi Dina - You bet. I answered your comment on the other post, and as you now know, I recommended this article, as well as the ones I wrote Jan 9 2007 and Jan 9 2008, since they continue the theme begun here. My condolences on the loss of so many of your family, especially through such violent means. As you have read, with me it's been my friends over the years. My parents BOTH just had birthdays, 83 and 77, and yet I've lost so many friends before they could hit even 35 that for awhile it was very surreal. As for abandonment, remember that just because their bodies are gone does NOT mean "they" are not existing in a body of subtle but eternal Love. Every time you go to your heart and love them unconditionally, you are with them, and they with you. I'm sure you're already more compassionate as a result of your experience of loss, with all the love that must be distilled from those difficult moments. As I wrote, "love and breathe and love and breathe and love and breathe and love and..." As long as we're loving, as long as we're breathing, then life and love go on and on and on. And when we're not breathing, then we're still loving and loving and loving and... Bless you for your courage. Aum Shanti.