Happy Valentine's Day - Courtship v. Seduction

by Robert Wilkinson

Since this is the day of the year dedicated to lovers, I thought it would be nice to examine some things about that. In mythology, the Lover is one of the six archetypal roles, or Masques, that the personality learns to discover, show to the world, and hopefully elevate beyond the callow superficiality of seductions, whether those of others toward us or the seductions we project to others. In this article, we'll explore some of the symptoms of seductions, and see the difference between healthy affection and seductions that only leave us feeling wounded.

Our old friend the I Ching makes a distinction between seduction and courtship. From Hexagram 31, "Influence (Wooing)" also known in various other translations as "attraction," "persuasion," and "reciprocity":

"... for it is perseverance that makes the difference between seduction and courtship; in the latter the stronger takes a position inferior to that of the weaker and shows consideration to them.  This attraction between affinities is a general law of Nature.  Heaven and earth attract each other and thus all creatures come into being.  Through such attraction the sage influences human hearts, and thus the world attains peace.  From the attractions they exert we can learn the nature of all beings in heaven and on Earth."

I note that consideration is a keyword for the expression of respectful sincere affection, and so it seems that one clue about seduction is the lack of consideration. If another is not respectful in their affections, then it's a seduction. This of course can be associated with a lack of respect for appropriate boundaries, and not allowing for a healthy individuality to express itsef. Any time there is a coercion, a push and pull that seems out of balance, or offers that disrupt the life with associated demands to explain why you aren't going along with them, it's a seduction. Remember that seductions may seem playful, but if you don't go along with them, there are overt or implied threats, whether of withholding of affection, gifts, or even emotional connectedness.

Think "I've done x, y, and z for you, and you don't seem to care." Or "Because I've done a, b, and c, you should be doing d, e or f." Though it seems like these are forms of bargaining, make sure you agreed to the bargain to begin with, otherwise it's a seduction. While I agree reciprocity is very important for a relationship to stay in balance, often one partner tries to do things the other did not ask for, and expects something in return for the "favor." This is a seduction.

Moods are seductions by the subconscious. A good mood is when the subconscious has been bought off, a bad mood when it has been denied its desire. You can observe more moods, and moodiness, than usual when a seduction is going on. Objectivity and dispassion are the solutions to moods and seductions, since these are not easily manipulated by either subconsciousness or the desire mind, the vehicles of seduction.

I have noted that seductions are often accompanied by too much emotional baggage automatically associated with expressions of affection. These are interactions that escalate much too quickly to be authentic. Other times, seductions involve the need for one to "save" another, or "be saved" from something by another. Seductions do not like a healthy autonomy, as they are based in unconscious power and control factors.

To the degree our "inner Lover" is unhealthy, we are needy and hope someone will come along to end our feelings of inadequacy. If our inner Lover is healthy, we tend not to attract destructive or clingy people who get attached and controlling, or those who quickly begin offloading heavy emotional freight or expecting a form of salvation from us and what we offer or don't. Beware of self-pity, as this is a common form of seducing another into "helping" in ways that don't help.

Robert Johnson (the author, not the bluesman!) wrote some interesting things about the nature of seduction in his three classic works, "He," "She," and "We." These are short, enchanting works that explore certain archetypes within us and our world, and definitely worth the time.

Ultimately, the Lover is about the dance of courtship between the lower self and the Higher Self, and we play out this dance through relationships that mirror both of these parts of our inner nature. As we embrace the courtship of the Higher Self to bring our personality out of various forms of suffering, we can find a way to view all our relationships through the eyes of the Lover, and grow beyond the seductions that only cause us pain.

Being Valentine's Day, I'll offer some history as to how the world came to even give a day to value lovers. Of course, being about a saint, it's a holiday of recent invention, originating in Rome. February 14 originally honored Juno, the Queen (who also happens to have an asteroid named after her, but that's another article for another time.) February 14 was the day before the Feast of Lupercalia, where children were allowed to pair up for the festival, and longer if they chose.

In a nutshell, Claudius II, the tyrant of the third century, needed soldiers, not lovers, so he cancelled marriages and engagements in Rome. Saint Valentine continued to marry people in secret, so Claudius chopped off his head on February 14. After that the church co-opted the Feast of Lupercalia, re-naming it Valentine's Day. And there you have it.

So at this time, see how others have offered you healthy affection, and how you offered it to them as well. Consider all you have liked and loved, and offered your tender affections to. These were the times you were wearing the masque of the Lover, doing a timeless dance with a form of the beloved, and therefore yourself. We all like that which is beautiful to us, since it mirrors our own beauty. And exploring beauty is a very good thing. Happy Valentine's Day, you beautiful lovers who read this.

Comments

[thehotcloset]

This Valentine's Day was absolutely delicious for me. . . and I think it has to do with Mars.

The buildup to Mars moving into Gemini after 6 months in my natal and progressed Taurus exploded last night, after having worked very hard and very diligently for the past six months at winning the affections of someone very special.

I got a bar of chocolate from him Tuesday and a quiet profession of love yesterday! Incredible!

[Robert]

And that's what Taurus persistence can do! Congratulations on what sounds like a great Valentine story.

[crawl or fly]

Wonderful writing, Robert.
Rarley have I read anything that so clearly describes what love is, and what it is not.

[Robert]

Thanks, crawl or fly. I probably did a better job at what it is not, since Love is an amazing thing I couldn't fully describe in a thousand pages. But I may try in a future post! ;-) Thanks for stopping by to comment.

[rachel]

Once again, you have woven a beautiful cloth of sparking threads!

Robert, my daughter is a Valentine Baby (2/14/91; 10:27pm, Hudson, NY), and turns 16 today. Five years before her birth, we chose the name Amara (her brother opted for a different moniker when he showed up!). She is a Love Child in the truest sense of the word. What might be a cogent bite of wisdom to gift her with today?

[Robert]

Hi rachel - Amara, may you greet the future with a grand imagination. Never believe yourself to be less than a being of great vision, here to see and be a part of greater things to come. You have deep and vast insights and self-discipline, and perseverence will take you farther than striving for comfort and security. You are brighter than even you imagine, here to transcend old forms throughout this life. You're a 22nd century being in a 21st century body!

[rachel]

That's beautiful, Robert. Thank you so much. I will share it with Amara tomorrow, at her birthday dinner.

[chickie]

Oh Robert that Claudius guy was a very bad boy. It's good you wrote about him cuz it just reminds me of my past choices of all the bad boys. However, now that I have run out of them, this evening my 78 year old mom and I went out for a Valentine's Day evening. I told her that the only stipulation was that if anyone asked us the burning question, "Why are you 2 hot chicks without dates?' Her answer must be this. "I was born on July 22, Mary Magdalene's Feast day, thank you very much.. and my stubborn daughter who was suppose to be born on the same day, dragged me through an extra day of labor and made her usual "fashionably late" entrance on July 23. If you know anything about astrology you must know that we are alone cuz we're too HOT to handle!"

Needless to say, after she made some very choice expletives in Italian, hit me upside my head and instructed me NEVER to tell anyone she was born on Mary Mags bday for fear they may 'get the wrong idea,' she told me, "Don't hold your breath, little girl."

That said, my Venus in Cancer and Mars in Libra is going to slip between the sheets alone, this evening at 11:10 and that's OK!

Happy Valentines Day RW and to all the rest of you lovely hearts!

Ciao ciao for now..xoxoxo chickie

[Robert]

Hi chickie - While I doubt yer mom wants to hear the real deal, even the Bibble seems to validate that Mary Mag was Yayzoo's girlfriend, becoming his wife at the wedding at Cana, if we take Jewish wedding protocols into account. The political priests who went for the gelt in later centuries were the ones who called her a "prostitute," since they couldn't handle the reality that Saint Issa the Nazar had a wife and kids, so invented the legend of Jeezus the pasty-faced eunuch of modern day Churchianity.

In fact, if we are to believe ancient Asian records with impeccable provenance, He eventually made His way to Kashmir with his mom and remarried and had more kids after Mary Mag and their kid went to the Sacred Isles to be with Hayzeus' rich uncle Joe Aramathea, the tin merchant of Cornwall, where she lived the rest of her natural life. And yes, his descendants in Kashmir know who they are, and have unbroken records to prove it. Yeehaw!

[Melody]

Hi,

This is an interesting article but I have a question.
In the interplay between man and woman in relationships - for I believe the concept of DISPASSION is best left for those who are sincerely seeking enlightment and enlightenment only this is a confusing point to make for your talking about two very very different things.

The question - in the interplay of say ... Shiva/Shakti there is postive and negative expression
of the same source expression of the dynamic of ' relating '. These negatives come about for many of the reasons you have forthwith stated in your article but you also state that good moods and bad moods are nothing more than moods and vehicles of seduction ??Though I understand the point of your article about the negatives of getting lost unwittingly into a relationship that may be nothing more than seduction and to know the difference between the too ... without necessarily resorting completely to dispassion shouldn't one know and understand how to correctly relate ?? especially if the goal is relationship and
not necessarily sadhana or spiritual enlightenment ??

If these be just mere moods as vehicles of seduction then what of bliss ???

Bliss is also a mood is it not ?...

an organic response in body by the uniting with
spirit, in the physical to ' altar ' the mind into altered states of higher awareness, conciousness and being.

There are levels to bliss and to even contentment or is contentment just a side product of bliss ??

I believe the emotional body has a purpose as does everything that is created by spirit and depending on
the path so should the purpose be.

I think there is a much bigger picture here to the
concept of Seduction ( especially on an energetic level ) vs courtship.

I guess then one would ask ... if one is seducing
what is one's purpose emotionally and if one knows not enough about proper relating and healthy relationships then one does need to know whether a persons intentions
are one of seduction as opposed to courting.

BUT ... this is about VALENTINES DAY.

Me being a hagiographer at heart for over 2
decades I have to point out the following
that Saint Valentine first and foremost
wanted others to honor LOVE above all other
things.

In the sight of spirit. To honor
the spirit of LOVE. It was Saint Valentines express
expression of passionate LOVE for Christ and his refusal unto all that incensed Claudius II
to behead him for he would not denounce Christ nor his love for him.

Just some thoughts and discussion
Melody
Happy Valentines Day

[Robert]

Hi Melody - Well, you raise many good and deep issues, and I'll try to answer what I believe you are saying. It is safe to say that dispassion is always a good thing to cultivate 24/7, since it can help us stay clear even when immersed in interpersonal goop. I tend not to separate our daily lives and interactions from our quest for enlightenment. We need to embrace the antidotes to suffering at all times, since as we transcend suffering one step at a time we also can help others do so, also a good thing in our relationships.

As we accept the wholeness of the path, we tend not to generate or react to the negatives. There can be no "negative dynamic of relating" for those who can consciously antidote the negatives. On the path of enlightenment there may be observation of the tendencies that could become a "mood," but not any magnetic trap. Enlightened beings, to whatever degree, do not play to, nor perpetuate any of the inner or outer tendencies that show as "moods," good or bad.

All moods are in fact seductions of the subconsciousness getting its way or not. Moods, being astral, are inherently unreal, and therefore unreliable. Dispassion, being the antidote to the mental trap of aversion, allows us to face anything we need to and see it clearly without the push-pull of ego interfering with our direct knowing of what to do or not to do. I believe the supreme "enlightenment" is to be able to be completely detached, dispassionate, discriminating, and positive in all our relationships regardless of whatever outer phenomena seem to be occurring. The goal of any relationship should be to BE fully enlightened AND fully relating in each moment.

As for bliss, it reminds me of an ancient aphorism: "Happiness is of the Mind, Joy is of the Soul, Bliss is of the Spirit." Bliss is a state of Eternal Being, not a passing astral seduction. While there is also a physical and astral organic response, Bliss IS the eternal quality that we experience whenever we loosen the bonds of limited ego perception. I would think that contentment follows from our perceptual mechanism acknowledging that we have experienced that which is Eternal, and True. The mind falls into discontent through comparisons; the feelings fall into discontent through not being bought off; the body falls into discontent through a lack of proper care. Contentment is usually a transitory state, due to being grounded in perception. BUT - we can BE contentment if we have transcended the seductions of the desire mind and unhelpful habits, and learned to recognize what contentment actually is.

The emotions are here so we may feel; but there are many things to feel, and over millions of years humanity has created manifestations that cannot feel good regardless of how much we affirm the contrary. Also, being of the lower triad, the feelings, or astral body, serves no eternal purpose. It is a temporary construct. A seducer is driven by the desire mind. One who is seduced is also driven by the desire mind. When we get a grip on that illusory mechanism which is the source of much suffering, then we are neither seducers nor able to be seduced by any of the infinite number of glamours that plague humanity (fame, wealth, beauty, approval, ego importance, and all the others.)

I agree the intention of the day is about love. I did more research in the two years since I originally published this article, and there is some general agreement that the historical St. Valentine (as we have come to know him) may never actually have existed, and is a construct from Geoffrey Chaucer. Though there are many sources for this information, here's what Wikipedia says:

Of the Saint Valentine whose feast is on February 14, nothing is known except his name and that he was buried at the Via Flaminia north of Rome on February 14. It is even uncertain whether the feast of that day celebrates only one saint or two or more saints of the same name.... The name "Valentine" does not occur in the earliest list of Roman martyrs, which was compiled by the Chronographer of 354.... Many of the current legends that characterise Saint Valentine were invented in the fourteenth century in England, notably by Geoffrey Chaucer and his circle, when the feast day of February 14 first became associated with romantic love....

In any case, whether such a martyr ever actually existed or not, thank God we have a day dedicated to Love, and lovers everywhere!

[Popplagid]

I love you all.
I am very thankful and grateful for your wise words and inputs.

Today although I am at a stable relationship I am still learning much about not falling into moods or desires, control or seductions and just open my heart, body, mind and soul to the realms of unconditional love and affection.

It is a long way of a candy street.
Love to all, And thanks once more,

[H]

Hi all

Avidly reading once more, thanks for all the great info. I stumbled across an interesting site the other day & thought it may be of interest given part of the relationship discussion.

http://biologyofkundalini.com/article.php?story=Relationship

I valentined myself with a luvly wee bunch of gloriously red tulips placed in my relationship sector (feng shui)& also enjoyed an evening with my new neighbour disussing our septic tank!! All in all a lovely day was had.

Love to all H

[joyjoy]

Hi Robert,

I come to this article a bit late, but at the right time. My meditation last night was on my disappointments in relationships and intimacy. I'm 49, bi, never married, never really "partnered." My two most passionate relationships were unrequited obsessions with married men. Feh. Sticking with friendships and leaning on Dharma study have helped me come to the "dispassionate" position you describe - so I recognize and appreciate your article's dissection of moods, seduction, and the subconscious. Hopefully I'm a bit more conscious now, and can be open to surprises - -and considerate courtship -- in the 2nd half of life!

[susannah]

Thank you for your writings. Such a pleasure in our bubble wrapped world.
I am currently engaged in a courtship with my Self.
It is a place usually unattended and yet one I slip into rather beautifully. It is devoid of happening, of fireworks or revelations. It is simply silent and ever present.
When you speak of a turning point in man's evolution - what do you think the new man will be. I mean the primate obviously could not conceive what man would be - how he would write, master language, etc etc. How do you see the evolved man?
And finally I have to ask you about the state of despair in the world. So many are talking about Orwellian times, and microchipping etc. And although I can see how it could be in the design, there is no way it could come about. Not in my reality anyway. That is the question - do you believe in parallel realities?

[Robert]

Hi Popplagid - Glad you found your way here, and your loving words are appreciated. You'll find your way to unconditional love. We all do as we open to undreamt-of views.

Hi H - Thanks for the link to what looks interesting. There are many things at work in how we relate that are directly tied to our Spiritual magnetics. Glad you had a great Valentines!

Hi joyjoy - Well, since this thread picks up every year this time, I don't know that you're all that late! 49 is "the end of the end," due to being what is called The Double Climacteric. You're in transition, and for some years to come finding your forms of enduring Truth distilled from your experiences since 21. I believe that no intimate relationship can last unless it is founded on friendship. Anything else is not reliable over the long run. Friendship is the impersonal form of love, whereas playful enthusiasm is the personal form of love. Consciously magnetising our willingness to meet those who could be our friends guarantees that whether they become partners or not, we will find ourselves with people who we could love and trust and who could love and trust us. We all have a "Twin Flame" somewhere, as well as many Soul mates and help mates. It's all an adventure in working through karmas and fulfilling a life of higher relationships.

Hi Susannah - The dance we do with the inner "beloved" is the only dance there is! All outer forms are the expression of that dance with our Divine Self, the "Friend." We are collectively on the Path of Return, and globally rediscovering inner powers and outer realities about electromagnetism on countless levels. There are great realizations we are rediscovering that will render our fears obsolete in the light of a great remembrance of our Divine Estate we abandoned many thousands of years ago. All that we call spiritual powers and techniques are the tools to express our evolved Self. Yes, there are multiple simultaneously occurring realities. That happens every day to all of us. There are overlapping frequencies of sensory stimuli that are also occurring whether we're aware of them or not. Like a dog hears things we don't, and some of us feel and know things others cannot imagine, from the densest to the subtlest. The Self stands "above" the ever-changing forms, coming to know unconditional Truth from conditional truths through experience, realization, and synthesis. The control systems will lose their power over time, and attempts to strengthen them will be frustrated by the evolutionary challenges our Lifewave will confront over the next 2000 days.

[Larissa]

well, enough that some realtionships get ruined that day because of some "expectations". It is like we put people on a test and think, aha, let's see, if he loves me he will do this for me on Valentine's day... and then boom! He didn't pass the test.

I don't know. Each day should be a Valentine's Day. Yet, even though some night think that expecting something bigger from your lover is a superficial quality - let me disagree - it still does show the level of your love and generosity. and let's not call it materialistic anything... please... women love being appreciated in small silent precious ways...

and there is nothing wrong with giving or accepting. some lonely people could be sarcastic and might say that it is not the gift that counts but the thought. OK. Still, if you love someone, show your generosity. My heart opens more when I see a nice gift and I am far away from being superficial or materialistic. Love talks in anyway possible

[Robert]

Hi Larissa - I agree expectations get in the way of perfectly good relationships, and yes, it's always good to be generous with the beloved, since the alternative is a big drag. Even a foot rub could be a gift more valuable than jewelry!