Death, Loss, Grief and Bereavement - Honoring the Sacred Moment

by Robert Wilkinson

As long time members of this community know, today is the most sacred day of the year for me when I honor the death of one who was closer to me than my own breath. 21 years ago today my life shattered into a million pieces, forcing me to walk a walk no one should have to endure, but millions do with millions more added each year. Because of my willingness to embrace my quest for healing, I am a stronger, more compassionate man for the experience, and found in the journey that with time and effort we can heal the grief we feel from the death of a loved one.

Sooner or later, everyone experiences the death of someone close to them. And yet, in our modern world obsessed with consumerism, we have relatively few resources available showing us how to move through and with this Sacred event, in full awareness of our humanness AND our ability to be our Eternal Self embracing the greater Love we share with the departed. Mostly death and grief are regarded as things to be avoided, and definitely not discussed, since these are difficult things and no one likes to be brought down or bring others down.

However, because this is a universal experience of being an Eternal Consciousness having our human feelings and thoughts, it is imperative that we learn ways and means to heal our grief. Part of the process is learning to honor those "Sacred moments" when we can commune with our heart and the Higher Love that any death can bring forth, if we allow it.

There are many points in time when we can easily embrace the Sacred and commune with timeless feelings. In these moments, honoring the need for solitude is very important, since it allows us deeper contemplations away from the white noise of modern existence. However, at other times it is equally important to find others with whom we may share our story, so that we can be reminded of the universality of our experience.

In sharing my story over the years with many people in many circumstances, and listening to their story as well, I am in awe of the number of people who are in deep grief, whether they know it or not, regardless of how long ago their loss happened. The tenderness in the eyes of one who is bereaved is unmistakable, and offers us all a window to the timeless feelings of a mutually shared Soul experience. Recognizing the grief in others' eyes and hearts also helps us get beyond harsh judgments and assumptions, and leads us to a greater and deeper compassion for all who suffer.

Those of us who have lost a loved one never really "get over it." We learn to live with it, whether we embrace the healing journey, take refuge in a philosophical view, or simply endure a life that becomes very flat and gray. And yet, if we learn to heal into honoring the Sacred connection with our departed loved one(s) we can become much clearer, stronger, and deeper in our experience of life and our relationships.

Our world is drowning in grief that is not acknowledged or being healed. Those of us who know the profound feelings connected with the death of a loved one are more aware than most of the sorrow that pervades the atmosphere. Millions upon millions are in deep grief, which affects our entire world. Humanity's challenge is to find ways and times to honor those who have left this physical existence, as well as the techniques that can assist the bereaved to heal into a new life and purpose.

I believe that healing our grief is the most important step we can take in becoming our true Spiritual Self since in our healing journey we learn just how connected we are with all humanity through all time. This com-passion, or "fellow feeling," can end our sense of separateness and isolation forever, and give us opportunities to join with others who are bereaved so that we can be of mutual support through our shared communion.

That is the importance of honoring the Sacred moments that come after the death of a loved one. Timing is a major factor in learning to heal our grief, and it is in those Sacred moments that we do in fact heal out of suffering into a timeless honoring of the greater Love we shared, and still share, with our departed.

In past years on this day I've offered various themes from my book, "Love Dad - Healing the Grief of Losing A Child." For your consideration on this day of remembrance, from the Chapter "Whatever It Takes," a part of "Making the Sacred Real":

In the final analysis we must accept many things about life as unknowns. I used to believe that everything has its purpose, and that all events happen for a reason. Though there are reasons for a lot of things, there is also the mystery of life itself, which precludes reasoning, or reasons, or analysis. I now believe that sometimes events simply are as they are, and there is no purpose to them, except the purpose we bring to or derive from the experience.

I believe that the emotional, mental, and spiritual health of our modern society requires that we re-learn to value the mysterious and unmeasurable experiences in life as much as rationality and linear thinking. The truly sacred cannot be quantified. Appreciating the eternal mystery in our everyday lives brings us to the threshold of the sacred, and can open us to seeing the interconnections between the old and the new, the past and the future, in our life path to a higher truth.

It has been said there are really only two pivotal events in a human life: birth and death. These are basic facts of existence, and matter deeply to each of us in a primal way. Everything else in between is transitory. As we learn to honor birth and death, we learn to honor children, elders, and everyone in between, including ourselves and our higher potential.

Whether relatives or strangers, “enemies” or friends, not-yet-born or any age whatsoever, all deaths are the sacred passage of a Soul from this world and should be honored as such. We usually acknowledge and often honor those who live to an advanced age; we do not as often acknowledge those who die in pregnancy or infancy. The dead must be honored somehow, in a meaningful way. They are not honored by being ignored.

Every human interaction is a sacred ritual and we should attempt to honor it as such. This is especially true for every committed loving relationship, whether parent to child, parent to parent, or friend to friend. Every moment is sacred in how it reveals the potential to love. Inner and outer love. Love beyond conditions. Every moment calls us to our greatest good, which is love. Love can express itself in many ways, from actions to qualities of wisdom or intelligence. Your ability to allow love to express itself in its many forms is tested by any loss. It is the challenge to explore your pain and suffering to break the link between the two. Life can be painful, but we do not have to be attached to our suffering.

Our greatest challenge is to make our sense of the sacredness of each moment a living reality, to bring this sense of the Divine presence into our everyday lives and interactions. We are the inheritors of a sacred thread running through time, and are here ideally to leave the Earth a little better than we found it. If we can rise to this challenge, we can contribute to the future health of our world.

So today is my day of deep contemplation of what was and is. As I wrote to another who lost her son,

"So many people grieving, so many lost in pain, so many walking wounded, nevermore the same. But we do find that 'love is stronger than death,' and find our way back to life if only we walk the walk." May all of you reading these words be present in this Sacred moment and heal whatever you have to heal. My heartfelt blessings on your efforts. Aum.

If you want to explore more about the grieving and healing process, please visit my previous articles. Each one covers different elements and approaches to healing our grief. And of course, give yourself some space and time, since they will bring up some very deep feelings.

From 2006, Love, Dad - Bereavement, Grief, and Healing After A Significant Death

From 2007, Coping With Loss and the Grief That Honors A Love

From 2008, For Those Who Grieve the Loss of A Child

Happy 21st Birthday, Blyth. You've changed my life and countless other lives forever. Thank you for making me a better man. Love, Dad.

© Copyright 2009 Robert Wilkinson

Comments

[kelsta]

Robert,
Thank you so much for sharing your wise words and big heart with us. When the world seems to narrow down to a pinprick of light, reading these words written from the heart serves as a reminder that there is the possibility of a bigger, brighter world out there. If your grief brought this about, then it is not value, small comfort though that is. I hope every year brings you greater peace, and happiness, and more gentle friends to share time with.
Kellie

[Wendy]

Thank you Robert,
You are a beautiful Being!!

Wendy

[Alessandra]

Thank you, thank you, thank you Robert.
You are truly a rare and amazing soul. Wishing you a year blessed with love.

alessandra

[Brian Story]

Thank you Robert,...our grief is still very new yet timeless in its essence...thank you for sharing, caring and walking your path of healing, many will see the tracks you've left and know that they are not alone on their path....bless you.
Be well, be loved and blessed be
-Brian S.

[Mashubi]

Thank you Robert for this beautiful, precious sacred sharing.

[michellemoarbes]

Thank you robert; So much love comes with pain and solitude.
I am on the sacred march and this day is dear to me too, as i remember my mum's departure. I spend this day in communion with all beings.
Love. Michelle

[H]

Thank you Robert
This is the first festive season since my Dad died (late August), reading these articles today has been poignant.
Love & light H

[Layli]

Robert,
Every time I discover new and deeper layers of your wisdom, I am profoundly moved. My soul grows from your work. The souls of many grow from your work. You are aiding ascension in such a profound way for such a large segment of the collective and the planet as a whole. Did a little angel spur you to this wounded-healer work 21 years ago? Is that little angel now collaborating with you from the other side with archangelic power?? I think this is a team effort, and I see just the tip of the iceberg. I am new to this community, so I did not know about your special date until today, but having read back through your columns, I can only offer the *deepest* pranam to Blyth, which I also often offer to her father. With my father on the other side since 2/1/06, I can appreciate the power of this above-below father-daughter connection, and I am thankful, for myself and for the world, that you nurture it and it nurtures you.
With deepest compassion and gratitude,
Layli

[Lainie]

Thank you Robert - You're very kind to share so much with us, and I wish you all the peace and comfort this world has to offer.

[Judy Fisher]

Dear Robert Wilkinson, Having gone through the experience of the death of my daughter I went on a search for the meaning of life. So many tears, I felt so alone.
I found her spirit. Then the unthinkable happened, my precious oldest daughter passed away with Cancer. I went again to my knees.
I wrote a book "Heaven On Earth". Please visit my web site www.aheavenonearth.com and read about my search.
Dear Robert my heart is with you. Judy Fisher

[Sheila Joyce]

Extremely well written Mr. Wilkinson !
Extremely so.......!

Lost my Dad 35 yrs ago, my beloved Mom 6 yrs, & the worst trial of my life....my dearest best-friend & hubby, 21 months ago........!

If it wasn't for the loving grace of God, I sincerely do not believe I'd have made it this far !

Please continue your outreach. You may not always hear from the beneficiary's, but that doesn't mean you haven't helped a multitude of grievers !

God Bless you Sir !!

[Susan Dahl]

Dear Robert, This brings me back to almost 7 years ago when I lost my spouse. I am moved by your words.
We, who have lost dear ones share a common experience & understanding.
You give me cause to revisit.
thank you
Reinersue

[daniel_299]

Thank you Robert for this poignant meditation on love, death and loss. Peace and blessings.

[Robert]

Hi all - Thank you for your very kind words.

Hi Lainie - I have found great peace as a result of embracing the healing process, and am now in a really good head and heart space about this, and ALL deaths.

Hi Michelle - Yes, there are special days when we can commune with the invisible world and it's not difficult. Remembering Sacred Moments are like that.

Hi Sheila - Thanks for your praise of the article. I'm glad I could assist your own healing process connected to the death of your husband and confirm some things you also have learned. Grace is certainly a force majure that is not to be underestimated!

Hi Layli - Well, I suppose it's made me a better astrologer for the experience, and since it is my direct experience, it bears the mark of authenticity. I believe we ALL are collaborating in "the Great Work," both our individual work and the work of healing the wounds of separateness that all of humanity suffers. I was full tilt into my spiritual work for many years before she came and went (and stayed!), and in my book I make it clear I am grateful for my previous Spiritual practice, since I cannot imagine how one who has no practice could make it through the process. Thanks for your blessing to Blyth on whatever planes of existence she's on, and my sincere hope that you will continue to find deeper wells of wisdom and love through your own timeless connection with the Being you were blessed to call "my father."

Hi Kelsta - There is definitely a greater way for our world than what truly at times has been "a pinprick of light." Each year does bring me a greater peace, as well as a stronger resolve to practice the greater love, wisdom, and compassion that I learned through the experience. and thanks for your affirmation for happiness and more gentle friends. Those are very good things indeed!

Hi Judy - My sincere condolences on losing your daughters so young. The death of a child, unless a person withdraws from life, always leads a parent to a greater quest than they ever imagined before then. And it sure doesn't seem to get easier with a subsequent death. My book speaks briefly of previous losses, but it was Blyth's death that really kicked me into the "heal or die" process. Again, my sincere condolences and heartfelt compassion from me to you as members of "the world's most reluctant club."

Hi Allesandra - Thank you for your kind words. I accept the blessing.

Hi Susan - It does bring us to an edge of our own evolutionary necessity, doesn't it. My condolences on losing your mate so young. For those who have persisted through a years-long process, I found that completing 7 years was a hopeful point, as it brought a measure of completion to the initial grief process. I could experience things differently after that point. Though it may or may not be true for everyone (and I believe it could be), this certainly marks a point of completion for you on some levels. Congratulations for making it this far.

Hi Mashubi - You're most welcome. May you find insights here that help you to help others who suffer.

Hi Wendy - A very nice thing to say. Thanks. I do believe her death helped me learn what's really valuable in this world.

Hi Brian - You're most welcome. I am sorry that anyone must suffer such deep losses, yet I also know that we can outlive and outlast the stinging acid of our sorrow, turning tears into jewels of a higher Love. We are never alone, as long as we open our hearts and minds to the mystery of redeeming the best we could be, one day at a time, out of the wreckage of our past.

Hi H - The first anniversary is always important, since it gives us a solid Solar benchmark for how far we've come, and what is ahead of us. May your second year be filled with remembrance, wisdom, and love.

Hi Daniel - I suppose it is a meditation of sorts. I do believe that by focusing on the timeless Eternal verities, we can move our consciousness out of the world of turmoil and suffering into a transcendent peace and Loving-Wisdom with which we can serve our world, however that's possible and appropriate on our journey back to life, love, and conscious living.

[Leah Whitehorse]

Beautiful words. I haven't lost a child but I have my own private great loss and losses that have given me moments of great despair and moments of great compassion.
I agree that you never 'get over it' and for me there are times when I can get on and live and others when I must simply stop and embrace what I feel inside. I cry more easily these days but I would rather cry tears with and for another than hold myself away from pain.
I wrote today that we are all wounded and these wounds are what can unite us. Grief is a terrible burden and it is visible in the eyes of those who carry it - but it shows how much we loved and love is a beautiful thing.
Peace with you.

[Terry]

Thinking of you during these sacred times.
Blessings
-=Terry=-

[Diane Scholten]

Robert, blessings to you as your honor Blyth, honor fatherhood, and honor God on this day. May your depth, spirituality and heartfulness be a spring in your life that fills you even as you grieve. YOu are a blessing for all of us, Robert, and a role model. God bless,

Diane

[Robert]

Hi Leah - We all experience the death of a loved one at some point, and our grief is our testimony to the love we've shared. I agree with you that it is very important to take a moment from time to time when it presents itself to honor deep feelings. And yes, I made a point of noting in "Love Dad" that our wounds are what bind us to others across space and time, and the vehicles through which we can find a greater compassion and connectedness with All-That-Is. It seems to me that you have found a great wisdom from your human experience. Blessings on you.

Hi Terry - Yes, we do walk this walk together. You may appreciate the article that will post later today. Speak with you soon.

Hi Diane - Thanks for checking in, and thanks for your very kind words. I believe I can truly say that my grief work is done concerning my own personal experience with Blyth, and my work now is to share what I learned with others whose grief is more active. The tears I now shed are for all who grieve across space and time, as well as the sorrow that this plane of existence seems to be one of continually saying goodbye. Of course, I have no doubt that I shall see other loved ones predecease me, and again move into and through the grief process. Thanks for your blessings.