by Robert Wilkinson
There are four requirements for establishing a healthy permanent relationship. If these 4 are actively lived, then we could be friends, lovers, or partners across years and even lifetimes.
I last gave this to you two years ago, and it’s still spot on. It's something I’ve learned through a lifetime of counseling, therapy, metaphysical study, and good practical common sense and direct experience. It seems to be universally true for countless people I've known and/or counseled. I call it “The Square of Right Relations.”
Over the years I've found that if we want to know whether a relationship will last, whether romantic, business, "just friends," or any other that we want to have longevity, there are 4 things that must be cultivated and remain a constant.
These go for both old and new relationships. If it conforms to what I have termed the "square of right relations," then it's a winner. The 4 requirements are:
1) If you're good to him/her; 2) If you're good for him/her; 3) If s/he is good to you; 4) If s/he is good for you.
When these are active, then a relationship will be healthy as long as these are in play. That could be for years, or across lifetimes.
That said, in all relationships I've also found that these are always in the NOW, always subject to review, and always in the making. It's also often the case that we don't really get whether these are true in a higher sense until some weeks, months and even years down the road.
If any of the 4 lapse, then the relationship will have problems. When we realize that we or they are not good to or for each other, then both must get with the program of restoring the good that could be or be willing to walk on so as not to damage or be damaged.
These apply to all our human relationships. It can also be said that some relationships are only good for us as long as we need to learn certain things, and then they dissolve after a time once we've fulfilled the purpose of that interaction. These worked, but only as long as they needed to.
We've all had romantic relationships that at some point had to end. It is fairly safe to say if a romantic relationship ends, it is because they are not our "Twin Flame." Those romances only last until one or both participants use up the potential, after which one or both begin to repolarize toward someone else, or perhaps just go their own way.
When a romance ends, we often search for someone new, whether immediately after the old relationship ends, or after a period of time. Usually, through the projection of all that was not fulfilled within us, we are attracted to others who seem to offer us a contrast that feels better than what we left behind. I've seen this to be true whether we're youths, adults, or even oldsters!
If there are still unfulfilled urges that drive us to want to jump out of one difficult relationship into another that seems to promise a better experience, we often wind up in what are called "rebound" relationships. Here I would like to offer that not all "rebound" relationships are necessarily short term or unhealthy.
Modern psychology warns us against rebounding. However, I've seen that when a person falls into a "rebounder," sometimes it's not a bad thing. Even if it doesn't last all that long, sometimes we "rebound" right into the arms of the one we're supposed to be with for however long and for whatever reason.
Again, rebounds may or may not be temporary, except in an ultimate sense. We could find ourselves in an intimate relationship with someone who is really good to us and for us, and inspires our heart to be good to them and for them. Then what's not to like?
Again, to restate the obvious, the "square of right relations" applies to both genders across all types of relationships, whether romantic, business, friendships, or even just casual acquaintances. So if you're wondering if a relationship is truly healthy, ask yourself the 4 questions: Are they good for us? Are they good to us? Are we good for them? Are we good to them?
If the answer to all 4 of these are yes, then you can bet you're in a good relationship. And remember that these questions probably need to be asked from time to time from different perspectives. As we dance through life's experiences, there are many ways to be good to and for each other. That allows us the pleasure of discovering new ways to be and things to do, and keeps our relationships fresh!
© Copyright 2011, 2013 Robert Wilkinson