Coping With Loss and the Grief That Honors A Love

by Robert Wilkinson

If you were here this time last year, you know that January 9 is perhaps the most sacred day of my year. This is the day each year I dedicate to the memory of one who was closer to me than my own breath, the heart of my heart. This was the day 19 years ago that my life turned upside down, changing me forever. I was thrown into a journey difficult beyond description, with no guarantee that I would ever find release and relief from the overwhelming grief thrust upon me by a circumstance truly beyond my control, or anyone else's, for that matter. If you're ready to go deeper, read on.

The death of a loved one is always difficult on those left behind; we grapple with feelings, thoughts, words that seem futile or even meaningless after the death of one close to us. Though we are still connected eternally, we grieve the loss of sense contact, the ability to touch, hear, see our loved one. We grieve the loss of the physical and emotional connection, though eventually we all pass into the beyond of existence to rejoin those who passed on before us, as well as loved ones we didn't even know existed while we lived in our bodies on this Earth.

Though the stinging acid of my sorrow has abated over the years, the death impacted me profoundly. For many months after the death I was overwhelmed and drowning in feelings too out-of-control to imagine that would come over me unexpectedly, again reminding me that I was shipwrecked in hell. Even if a lifesaver in whatever form keeps you afloat, you still wind up soaked to the bone by a storm that makes you wonder if you want to live at all.

There are many who give up the struggle and choose to die, whether slowly or quickly, by a variety of means. I have known those who gave up on life, as well as those who chose to do the harder thing, grieving as honestly as they were able, in hopes of coming to some peace after living on desolation row. Grief is not an easy thing, but ignoring grief only leads to more wreckage when the ego controls break down, which they always do. And of course grief work involves more than just feeling badly - it is the quest to find meaning, purpose, and life after the wreckage of whatever you thought or felt before, during, and after the death.

The price of love is grief; where there is love, one must die first, and the other is left to grieve. Denying grief is a fool's game and dishonors the love you share on an eternal level. No one is beyond feeling the loss of a loved one, even if death is a release from disease or debility for the departed one. I have known supposedly "spiritual" people who insist we should not feel sorrow at the death of a loved one. I tried that a long time ago, taking refuge in my "spirituality." Let me assure you it doesn't work, and even if one succeeds in denying or stuffing or avoiding grief, we are lesser beings for our efforts.

Death is the great leveler, and until we are fully realized we will deal with confronting our own mortality, and the deep feelings that accompany our inherent knowing that our bodies, feelings, ideas, and perceptions are impermanent. While we are here on Earth, we must learn how to feel all there is, so that by transmuting our responses we are able to walk in this world of sorrows, breaking the link between pain and suffering whenever we are able while witnessing the glorious impermanence of our human condition. Death helps us remember the eternal state of things, and offers us moments to pause and reflect on all the love we've known, and all the love there is.

We are taught by some contemporary schools of psychology that once we move through an experience we come to some form of lasting resolution about that experience. In my experience that isn't necessarily so. I have come to view it all more as a journey with some strange twists, surprises, plunges and revelations, with new realizations and resolve found at every turn of the wheel. Simply put, we never come to finality around death, but are always learning about life and living as we deal with the death of our loved ones.

I have come to value the rituals around remembrance, and honor the anniversaries connected to my departed loved one. Her birth and death are meaningful points in my experience, where the wave forms of grief reappear, each year in slightly different forms, showing me what I've learned and what I have yet to learn. Each time it reminds me of how far I've come, and how far I have yet to go. And I miss her. Less now than in years past, but I still wonder what life would be like were she still here.

And she is, just not in a body. That's related to us being living forms of unconditional love I speak of in my book, Love, Dad - Healing the Grief of Losing A Stillborn. the love that unites us beyond perception and belief systems. As I wrote, "I believe we Souls are individually radiant sentient spheres of love. We are timeless, changing, evolving beings. It is on that level of Soul that our relationships with our loved ones exist. I envision that we are overlapping radiant love, touching each other in a deep intermingled way, living our lives in an infinite sea of energy we call Love. Humanness is a life-long challenge to integrate our body, emotions and mind so we may wisely and lovingly express our Soul-Spirit."

That is why I continue to love her with all my heart, and have found strength in that practice of a higher love. So on this sacred day, may you pause for a moment to honor your departed loved ones and reclaim the greater love you have experienced through them all. Open your hearts to the wonder of feeling and knowing even a glimpse of unconditional love, and you will be far richer for your willingness to embrace and experience the greater Love within which we all live, breathe, and have our Being. Namaste.

If you want to order a paperback copy of the book I wrote about my ordeal and path back to a loving, fulfilled life, you can find it at (Just make sure the subtitle says “stillborn” rather than “child,” since this second edition clarifies this work was written as a result of a full term birth loss and updates all the global numbers related to pregnancy and infant loss.

© Copyright 2007 Robert Wilkinson

Comments

[Juliet]

Nancy

[Diane Scholten]

Robert -

What a beautiful piece you have written and what a beautiful man you are. I am assuming it was your daughter whose departure from this earthly vale you are honoring today. How lucky she was to have you as her dad - your rememberance of her speaks to the eternal nature of love. My dear departed mother always said that the prayers of a parent for their child are the most powerful ones known. I can't help but feel that your rememberance of your loved one reverberates powerfully through time and space and is creating more love than you know. Surely you awakened the consciousness of the eternal nature of love, again, for me.

So today I will honor you, your departed, my own beloved Mom and the souls of all those no longer with us on Planet Earth. may we feel their love always. And may they always feel ours.

Thank you, Robert, not only for your superb astrological expertise & life wisdom, but for your deep beautiful heart and oceanic soul.

With respect, condolences and blessings -

Diane

[Crawl or Fly]

Robert,

You are such a powerful writer; your grief deepened your talent and all who read your words are transformed, and in many ways, healed. That's a big gift, so thank you. I hope you have found some healing too. COF

[Robert]

Thanks to all of you who stopped to leave a comment. There's not much to say, and a lot to feel, right now. Thanks for your company today, and surely, I have found the healing I strived for. Aum and blessings to all who shared this day and energy with me, Robert

[Thea Lloyd]

Oh Robert.
How poignant and all encompassing.
You say it for me too.
Blessings,
Thea.

[Hypnotic Poison]

Oh Robert. sorry for your pain.
huggs and prayers

HP

[Patricia]

Hi Robert,

What a beautiful piece.

As you say, grief is such a strange emotion. It comes and goes unexpectedly for years and years, and every time the tide comes, it brings a different feeling. And we need to let it flow and dive into the strange places it wants us to.

Only one who has gone through such a journey can really understand it. I am a Leo (07.30.68) and last Saturn/Neptune opposition in August put my dad (also a Leo – 08.14.40) on a vegetative coma. He is still in coma and to see his physical suffering is one of the hardest experiences I ever had.

My dad was a journalist and a writer. His life passion was writing and he dedicated his whole life to that. I share his passion and was also writing in the last 2 years. I even finished my first book, put since his stroke I can’t write anymore.

In my recent dreams he always appeared smiling and happy. Two days ago for the first time I had a dream in which he appears in the hospital in the way he looks nowadays but I knew he could emotionally recognize me. I think my psyche is now accepting what happened.

I will pray for your loved one. God bless,

Regards,
Patricia

[jane]

wow... you so "get" the issue of death and loss. This explains a lot to me about the depth of your sensitivity--I found the loss of my best friend of 45 years made me different in ways I couldn't express. Words are difficult--here is a poem by Merritt Malloy that does a better job than I ever could. peace, jane

"...When I die if you need to weep
Cry for your brother or sister
Walking the street beside you
And when you need me put your arms around anyone
And give them what you need to give me.

I want to leave you something
Something better than words or sounds.

Look for me in the people I've known or loved
And if you cannot give me away
At least let me live in your eyes and not on your mind.

You can love me most by letting hands touch hands
By letting bodies touch bodies
And by letting go of children that need to be free.

Love doesn't die, people do
So when all that's left of me is love
Give me away...."

Merritt Malloy

[Robert]

Thanks again, all. You're truly the best.

[Jennifer Pruden]

Sending good energy and thoughts...God Bless you Robert.

[kiwa]

bless you Robert, I can't even imagine how deeply difficult that must be for you...
thank you for this generous outpouring that you share so freely with us all..
peace
Kit

[Robert]

Hi Jennifer - Thanks. I do feel blessed, in all kinds of ways.

Hi kiwa - Thanks. It was much more difficult the first 10 years. And I did persevere in writing "Love Dad" so that others who are shipwrecked in hell might have a reference point that reminds them they're not alone in "the world's most reluctant club." May the world come to a point where such sorrow does not occur.

[Susan]

Robert, Thank you so much. My first son died hours after his birth on Epiphany -- January 6, 1988. It's been a long journey, much as you described yours. Although I did finally manage to come to a sense of peace around Patrick's death, I do miss him, wonder what it would be like if he'd lived, and every so often surprise myself and others by bursting into tears with renewed grief even after all these years.

I reserve Patrick's birth-and-death-day each year to honor him. Some years, my need to be alone or just with my immediate family is strong; other years I seek support from friends who know and understand the history; and every now and then, I manage to actually celebrate Patrick's short life and immense gifts to me, not the least of which is an ability to be comfortable and comforting in the presence of dying and grieving people. My experience, in fact, has been that the presence of Spirit is as strong and palpable at a peaceful death as at a joyous birth.

Bless you for having the courage to share your experience so publicly, and for helping to salve my own sadness, which is much deeper this week than any recent ones I can recall.

[Robert]

Hi Susan - So our kids were the same vintage, eh? Glad you made it here. We do find a peculiar sort of peace, don't we? And it's okay to feel whatever. whenever. But you already know that. This year I spent hours working in the gardens.

Yes, Spirit becomes more omnipresent in a number of ways. Those who walk between Life and Death for any length of time are transformed forever in ways that are difficult to describe, since much of our experience is beyond description. Life is like that for everyone, isn't it? It's just dealing with death and grief makes everything more intense. And getting beyond old fears allows us to be authentic regardless of whatever is happening in the outside world.

I did feel much deeper this year. Besides a natural anniversary, I suppose it's the current Mars conjunct Pluto conjunct the Saturn-Uranus degrees in late Sag happening back in early January 1988. Also Jupiter square Uranus in Pisces unexpectedly expanding larger feelings at the advent of a turning point.

Thanks for being a good hand-holder for others who are checking out as well as their loved ones. Welcome to the site.

[Wendy]

This was on the back of my friend's mother's funeral card. I thought it was so beautiful. Here it is:
"Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glint on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the autumn's gentle rain
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there, I did not die"
Another favorite of mine:
"Love is eternal. It does not die when the body dies. Hearts and souls that are joined on earth are united forever."
Robert, You have the gift of written expression. Reading about your loss flooded me with emotion as I remembered my own loved ones who've passed on, many under the age of 30. Thank you for sharing.
Your friend,
Wendy

[Susan]

I am reminded that the poems of Dylan Thomas really helped me through my darkest times, and of course those of John Donne, the great metaphysical poet. Theodore Roethke also. The all wrote from an awareness of the grander cycles of life and energy, and that larger perspective can be very comforting at a time of loss.

There's another poem, too, author's name escapes me for the moment -- it starts out, "Margaret are you grieving over Goldengrove unleaving" -- that in some way salves losses for me as well.

[Robert]

Hi Wendy - Thanks. As one who has also lost many friends at way too young an age, I have come to appreciate what friends I have left.

Hi Susan - I found comfort in Robert Frost's poetry, as he also lost a child at a young age. He produced some very powerful poetry about that, one of which I was going to use in "Love Dad," but Holt & Co., his publishers, were beyond greedy and set impossible conditions on using even one of his poems.

As for your final comment, I found this by Gerard Manley Hopkins:

'Spring and Fall, to a Young Child'

Margaret, are you grieving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
Leaves, like the things of man, you
With your fresh thoughts care for, can you?
Ah! as the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By and by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie;
And yet you will weep and know why.
Now no matter, child, the name:
Sorrow's springs are the same.
Nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed
What heart heard of, ghost guessed:
It is the blight man was born for,
It is Margaret you mourn for.

[Kim]

Robert,
That was the most honest take on death and loss I believe I've ever read. Thank you for the valididation.....it seems when one tries to express the ideas you did, people worry....or at least they do/did with me....so you just learn to keep it to yourself.
And the poetry references in the posts reminded me of my favorite one on the subject. Forgive me if it seems like a downer, but to me, it's beauty is in it's honesty. It's the last few lines from Auden's "Funeral Blues" (and also the poem that Mathew reads at Gareth's funeral in "Four Weddings & a Funeral"):
"The stars are not wanted now, put out every one.
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour out the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good."

This is the first time I've ever posted, but I've been reading your pages regularly for over a year now. No other site I've found has been near so insightful & helpful as the pages you write. Thank you for sharing so much.

Kim

[Robert]

Hi Kim - Welcome to the site. As I noted in my book, Love Dad, people will think all kinds of things to avoid dealing with the deeper feelings present in one who grieves. What they think doesn't matter. We have to learn to live, the best we are able, doing whatever it takes. Honesty in poetry and feelings never require asking for forgiveness. As for what you posted, I did feel exactly that for months after the death. Eventually I got past the "flat and grey" part of viewing life, but only after some time and a lot of needed grief work. Thank you for posting and your praise of what I'm trying to offer here. May all who grieve find some solace in our gentle community.

[jeanette]

dear robert....what a shining light you are...i grieve the loss of two very special friends in my life.....and this year...now for some reason its worse than ever...as others have said also...the loss of a child is the worst grief i could ever imagine....and i feel so selfish in the daily grief in dealing with my adorable 15 year old dealing with daily insulin injections after contracting diabetes 5 years ago....she is still with me and we can manage this ....you dont have your beautiful child .....it just isnt right ....we can search for reasons why .....we will never know but we can be there for each other .....its been 15 years since i lost my best friend ....but as a mother you just have to go on ......i do believe there is a reason for everything......god bless your precious aries heart and thank you for sharing such deep personal feelings with us lucky ones to have been blessed to find you....i think our departed loved ones are consorting from above to unite us all on this website.....i innately know this to be true ...an aries friend .....love and thoughts to you.....jeanette......xxxxxxx

[jeanette]

Robert,just wanted to add that i will recommend to a friend who also lost his daughter on the 3rd january 2007 tragically....to read your inspiring, uplifting words in his time of grief.....and mine too that never ends....they are with us eternally....and we must honour them in the songs and poems that we could not bear to hear.....i am starting to sing them again even though they bring the tears......a great read i found recently was "the five people you meet in heaven".....we will meet them all again in the gentle community on the other side.....love is all there is.....Jeanette....xxxxxxoooooxxxxxx

[Robert]

Hi jeanette - Thanks for your words. Truly, grief is a part of life, and honors the love we have for those who have touched us deeply in our lives. Some seasons remind us of departed friends and loved ones more than others. Even now I remember young faces as they remain etched in my memory, though their bodies departed many years ago.

My heart goes out to you in your daily vigil with your daughter. Though not exactly the same, I have to give daily injections of insulin to my cat, cannot go anywhere overnight unless I board him with someone who will inject him, make sure he's fed exactly the right amount, and all the other small details of caring for a diabetic. I am in awe of his noble enduring attitude about being poked regularly and being forced into a low-carb diet, and as I hated being stuck so many times in my own childhood, I have great empathy for your courageous and patient daughter. I hope the day will come when she can find an oral treatment that works.

My daughter's Spirit is with me always, as are the Spirits of my departed friends. I lost one of my best friends about 23 years ago, another about 19 years ago, and another about 13 years ago. My memory still bears witness to the love and friendship we shared.

In my book I sketched why I no longer believe things happen for a reason other than the reason we choose to bring out of the experience. We are simply put through "big K" karma, and we have to distill what we can out of that experience. I wrote something about that in the article Karmic Storm Zones which you may want to revisit. Of course your tenderness and compassion are gratefully welcomed here, and I am glad to have this forum so that as we tune into "the ALL," many different kinds of Spirits are free to come around. And by all means please refer your friend to both the recent article as well as the main one on the topic listed on the left hand links. My heart goes out to them, as they are truly shipwrecked in hell. You're a very good friend to help them through this. Aum and blessings.

[jeanette]

Thanks robert....my beautiful Julia says thanks too....she amazes me daily with her courage and strength in dealing with diabetes...we were just talking about having a cat with diabetes...as you could not leave him in case of a hypo ...do you have to do blood glucose checks on him?? We are cat lovers too...we have two cats who are sisters ....they boss us around everyday...cats are the best therapy...and are the best grief counsellors we have found....so much joy and pure love.....anyway thanks for your kind heartfelt words and our thoughts go your way and to pussy too! take care...Jeanette and Juliax

[Robert]

Hi Jeanette and Julia - They are joyous goofy bosses, aren't they? Yes, I have to have BG levels done every so often, as well as BG curves and fructosomine levels. As I can't bear to prick his ear to draw blood, I take him to the vet where they take it once in the morning to get a baseline, then once in the afternoon to monitor the insulin effects. I can't afford to do it more than once every three weeks, but as long as he's stable I suppose that's enough. And his purring is so comforting that it makes me relax more than almost anything else in the world. My blessings to you and Julia.

[Marieke]

*wow*

Hi,
I stop by and read your site once or twice a month, though this last month has been exceptionally crazy, and I haven't had a chance to stop by until today. The very first thing that I wanted to look at was what you had to say about the days around Jan 9th... I know that it may seem trivial in comparison... but I lost one of my family members on that evening of this year- my dog, Conan. It was quite sudden and unexpected... and he was very young- only a year and a half. I can't say that I was shocked to find this post sitting right there under 'jan 9th', but I wasn't expecting it. Your words were beyond perfect- thank you for reminding me that there are others on this path... often the road feels lonely even when I have managed to keep my perspective =) Perfect. Perfect. Thank You!!

[Robert]

Hi Marieke - Welcome back. Things have been fairly hectic in everyone's life that I know. And death is never trivial, whether human or animal or idea or feelings or, well, you get the picture. My condolences to you at the loss of your beloved pet at way too young an age. It's ALWAYS too young an age! And thanks for your kind words. There are too many who feel too alone when a loved one dies, even though we ALL share the grief of losing a loved one, or more than one. Be kind to yourself, and observe and move through the grief the best you are able. I'm sure you already are.

[Helen]

Dear Robert,

Ten years ago, on April 30th, I lost my own mother. Needless to say, it took my years to break the cycle of suffering. But even today, I still feel the tinges of it.

I heard something that gave me great comfort. Someone told me that what my mother is doing now is that she goes and sits with terminally ill children until their soul makes the journey to the other side. This woman didn't know my mother, nor did I feed her any information about my mother. HOW did she know that this was what my mother was all about? She always wanted more children, but all she had was me. At that point, I could release my mother, knowing that she is happy now.

Do I miss her? Of course, I do. But now, I have a certain level of peace because I know my mother is happy.

So like you, Robert, I honor April 30th, for all that my mother was.

Peace,

Helen

[Robert]

Hi Helen - Honoring the departed and establishing a conscious communion with the Eternal world are great preparations for our own part in the larger play of manifestation and nonmanifestation. Blessings on yesterday, your sacred day.

[Felita]

Dear Robert I express my deepest healing love to you. Your beautiful daughter was the essense of your own beautiful soul who rejoices in the higher love you give to the world. It is the missing. For me initially my determination was to find him and my incessant asking the universe why? why? and why?
I empathise fully with your emotional response to you loss. And as we know the universe does answer why eventually. I would not have brought up this issue and been more sensitive to your feelings of child loss if I had known. My grief release for my brother was a tangible one and I was referencing them to the Transits and your vast knowledge as to all there is in Astrology as Truth. My intuition (which i questioned) said that a close friend of mine who died 6 months after my brother came and took his hand and led him to higher realms. Last Friday night my daughter had a dream that validated this,another why? answered. I seem to understand there is no earth time for the departed and 6 years could be just a twinkle in the afterlife. I intuit his release and I am happy for him now. Being somewhat untraditional and lacking sometimes in practical ritualistic resposes to life. I do not hold rememberance days(I should) I seem to allow all things to ebb and flow,lead by my heart at the varying pace of the river of my life. I will recognise to bring more order. I will fill you up with the pink glow of loving kindness and healing and all others who feel the wounds of their grief if only fleetingly.
Aum Shanti Felita

[Robert]

Hi Felita - Well, I suppose we'll know "why" after we hit the other side and get to watch the movie with them present. As for bringing up the issue, it's perfectly perfect for anyone to bring up whatever grief they were or are dealing with. This is a fairly safe place for people to heal. We go through our trials so that we can share the experience with others who may be feeling more alone than they need to. And my experience is important in your own life story, given your parents are bereaved and shipwrecked in their own kind of hell, which may help you understand how crazy their world has become since the death of their son. No wonder they hardened! Perhaps some of what your journey entails is walking between worlds, helping others understand the mystery of life and death. Great that you're allowing yourself to be led by your heart through the pulses of the river of Life. You truly have a compassionate heart, and no doubt are a light for those lost in darkness. My Namaskarams and highest respects to you for that. Thanks for being a worker in an area where few want to go, since it takes direct experience to do so. It is truly "the world's most reluctant club."