For Those Who Grieve the Loss of A Child

by Robert Wilkinson

Long time readers of this community know that January 9 is one of the most sacred days in my entire year. Many years ago I was shipwrecked in hell on that day, leading to a long and arduous journey in finding my way out of indescribable pain and suffering. Today I'll offer you an open letter I wrote to someone having an extremely hard time due to the death of his child.

I am truly saddened to hear of the death of your son. Having been a bereaved parent for many years in my life, I know you are shipwrecked in hell and having an extremely hard time. My grief had a very hard edge for many years, teaching me patience, willingness to learn, and a goal of lessening my pain and suffering.

My journey gave me a new understanding of the power of radical forgiveness toward myself and everything and everyone else. By surrendering to the process of grieving in healthy ways, I learned what really matters and how to maintain caring for those things. I certainly am transformed forever by the death of my daughter, but have learned how to live more fully with more compassion and understanding than I used to have.

Though it is natural to feel tired beyond description and as though no one else knows how terrible it feels, these are feelings shared by millions of others who also have lost a child. It's a major task to try to "snap out" of feelings of chaos and futility, and sometimes our best efforts to stay cheerful and task-oriented fall short of what we would like, which of course leads to more feelings of frustration. I know, as I was right there for about three years, directly in the heart of those feelings, a long time ago.

I'm sure your wife is also in her own turmoil in her own way, and I'm sure it is very distressing to your daughter. You each need to find ways to heal that is right for you. Men grieve in their way, women in theirs, children in theirs. I wrote a chapter on the similarities and differences between men and women in my book "Love Dad - Healing the Grief of Losing A Child." It is the story of my process, what I experienced and found along the way, and some things I needed to learn about life, love, and living with purpose in the moment, taking nothing for granted.

Grief comes in waves, and heals in waves. We just have to learn how and when to move into our healing process, the great mystery of reclaiming life after death. It hurts a lot in the beginning, but over time and with practice we can actually see how we are moving into an inner strength and power.

We are members of "the world's most reluctant club." None of us would have ever wanted this, nor would we ever wish this upon another. We will live with our experience forever, but by choosing to do "grief work" you can turn the experience into a strength and courage that nothing in this world will ever shake again.

Feelings of letting our loved ones down, our dead child, our spouse, our family, are natural, even if untrue. You didn't know beforehand, so how could you have done anything differently? If you could have, you would have. This is a Sacred Wound that many throughout the ages have experienced. Right now on Earth we number in the millions, with over 2 million added each year in the US alone.

This inner state of being is of course affecting all your outer affairs. You may need to portion part of your day to material things, and then allow yourself time to meditate, pray, and do other inner healing practices. That way both your inner Self and outer affairs each get their due. My mind was not on my work in the months after her death, nor should it have been. I needed to experience depth of feeling so I could heal my shattered ego.

I found it helpful when I felt overwhelmed by feelings to simply love and breathe and love and breathe and love and breathe and love and......

Though you may feel like giving up on life, that really doesn't solve anything, and actually sets your Eternal Self back in its evolution. Better to take the challenge to become someone deeper and wiser than you used to be. If we're open to it, we see there are opportunities to be effective and productive in the world, which can help restore a measure of sanity over time.

If you haven't read them yet, when you can, please go to these articles as they may help you reorient your view in ways that could be helpful.

Love, Dad - Bereavement, Grief, and Healing After A Significant Death

Coping With Loss and the Grief That Honors A Love

We all have physical, emotional, and mental things we need to clean up if we are to live our higher Spiritual Self. These are the sources of our suffering when we are wounded, and these are the things we must learn about if we are to turn pain into strength, experience into wisdom, and fear into love.

Please try to relax into the transition from death into a new life taking small steps while caring for yourself and your loved ones, and give thanks to Spirit and God that you have a heart and a mind and loved ones that love and care for you. Welcome small opportunities to embrace the Spirit of Love and Compassion, and simplify everything since externals are less important than that your hearts can be seen and expressed clearly. Though much has been taken away, there is also much to be grateful for.

Aum and blessings to you and your loved ones.

If you want to order a paperback copy of the book I wrote about my ordeal and path back to a loving, fulfilled life, you can find it at Love, Dad - Healing the Grief of Losing A Stillborn. (Just make sure the subtitle says “stillborn” rather than “child,” since this second edition clarifies this work was written as a result of a full term birth loss and updates all the global numbers related to pregnancy and infant loss.

© Copyright 2008 Robert Wilkinson

Comments

[fidant]

Robert, 17 years ago on January 9, I lost my brother with an inexplicably sudden heart attack. That day was the beginning of my conscious spiritual journey. Reading your beautiful expression, I understand one more time, with more depth, how deeply and infinitely connected we all are on this beautful planet.
Thank you, again.

[Henry]

Just an impressive article.
Well, I'm very sorry for that to happen in your lifes, I wonder if I find myself in that case I would be able to establish a relation between that "shock" and learn "eternal forgiveness"...
Certainly, there must be something after this life where we just play like characters or apprentices, if there wasn't I wouldn't be able to extract the "meaning" of such terrible periods...

Well, thanks a lot despite the sorrows for letting us know your deeper experiencies and how to make consciousness grow...

[Micheline]

I am not sure if this is valid but I lost my parents when I was really young, at age 11 my mother passed away first and then at age 15 my father left me.
I have many issues with all this even to this day though I think through maturity and understanding and acceptance I have reached a pinnacle of the difficulties of facing life on one's own and having to deal with many things morst kids (in north america) do not have to deal with. Also, realising that in many parts of the world some children had it or have it much worse then I have or had it. I grew up thanking whoever I could thank for what I did have and that I feel I am so fortunate to have the people I do have in my life. I lived in a dream for a while not understanding there presence or their lack of presence until it hit me that I would never have a normal family life. My kids (which I have not had yet) will never have grandparents to meet unless my future husband has his parents around. They would never know my funny father and his wonderful sense of adventure and humour like I did. I miss that connection, I think I try to look for that in other men I have relationships with. I am beyond now needing a father figure or a mother figure but sometimes, sometimes it is nice. I am not sure how to feel about my mother. I don't actually miss her. She was a great mystery to me with her problems, her strange behaviour and her alcholism. But my father, is still a spirit guide in my dreams. He is part of my subconsious. I do have dreams with my mother but they are usually negative. My father is there to guide me and always has been. Anyway, I have a very hard time sharing this stuff not many people ever hear me talk about this stuff. But I thought it would be good time cause my own mother passed away January 1, 1976.
Anyway, we lose, we win, we learn, we live and we hopefully help other people heal whatever is broken in the hearts in souls in our own ways.
micheline

[Felita]

Dear Robert, It is beautiful that you wrote such a compassionate letter to help one in suffering. I admire you strenghth and dedication to your soul and the upholding of the spirit of man , yes many have lost children but few respond with such spiritual devotion to love and knowledge and the ability to hold this up. May the angels of love and joy surround you with your beautiful daughter today.
And my prayers today and loving kindness to all in the world that grieve. Aum Shanti Felita

[Joanne]

Good morning Robert. Having come to this community only in the last year I was not aware of your loss, and want to convey my condolences. I really understand. I lost my daugher three years ago. She was 19 y/o. I attended a group called the compassionate friends, the first three months for myself, and the next nine in service to the others there, which also helped me. Though I have my moments, now, I can say that my daugher taught me a lot through her life and after her death. I'm a better person for her. I know she is always with me and that we will be together again. So the separation is only temporary.
Peace, love & light
Joanne

[Freewheelin']

Hello Robert,

Sharing my 'Self' as deeply n closely...

with you n all your deepest feelings on this day today...

with your daughter...

all our loved ones who've departed...

n us who find ourselves left behind, still in all our loving...

unconditional n all the way...

In my thoughts n breathing n Peace,
~ freewheelin'

[Elizabeth]

Robert and others,

Wow. Thank you for sharing your journey. I can't imagine what that is like.."the world's most reluctant club." I'd rather not join. I do worry about losing one of our kids (we have 5). I can't imagine the pain. But I do want to say to those that have lost children..I respect your courage immensely. If it were a part of our journey, then I'd know I have you as support and that brings peace.

I hope you find peace too.
Elizabeth

[Shelley]

Robert,

You have no idea how timely this article is for me, today. I woke up thinking about meeting the father of a classmate of mine who passed at 24 years old, 9 years ago next month. She was an "Earth Angel" (too good to be here), that's the only way I know to describe her. Robert, she visibly (to me!) glowed and had the energy, strength, and passion of an Amazon Queen. Anyway, I serendipitously met her father Sunday, during a visit to the ER- he was my ER doctor, and I could see the weight of his loss still weighing heavily on him, after all these years.

See, she called him on her last day, asking him if she should go see her doctor because she was feeling tired and run-down (she was living out-of-town at the time), and her father told her it sounded like she was coming down with the flu and to just stay home and get some good rest. Later that day, she made a call to 911 and was gone before they made it to her apartment (she had a pulmonary embolism from a sprained ankle). You can imagine what incredible guilt her father has lived with all these years. So, my life-threatening allergic reaction to horses on Sunday that gave me hives and almost caused my throat to completely swell shut (have never had hives or throat swelling or any allergic reaction to horses before!!!) was so I would have a chance to talk to him about his beautiful daughter. The ER wasn't busy, so we had a while to talk, and I broke down after he left the room, realizing what divine series of event that day had led me to him.

So this morning, I wake up knowing that my work with him is not yet done but not knowing still exactly what else I am supposed to do- and there it is! Your article today makes it very clear... I have ordered 2 of your books from Amazon.com (one for me and one for him). Her birthday, he said, is the 15th, so I'm hoping the books ship soon and I can find his address in time. If not, I trust in divine timing here, especially after what happened Sunday.

Thank you for writing this article, today- thank you for writing your book- thank you for writing your blog. You are helping so many people by sharing your most challenging experience, your grief, and your pain.

Peace, Blessings, and Much Love-
Shelley

[gaye]

Hi Robert,
This is beautiful. I especially appreciated, 'Grief comes in waves and heals in waves' and 'simply love and breathe, love and breathe...' Aum and blessings to you.

[Mary]

I have learned that we grow by sharing what we have learned with others who have yet to experience a type of loss in whatever stage of life. Thank you for sharing that grief experience with us. I have learned that the circles of grief get wider from the center as time goes by, but the cirle itself does not break up. I know that they are called waves of grief but they some how also travel the cycle of life as well. If we have never had to grieve, we have never had a chance to love or be loved.

[Carson]

Robert,

With blessings and unconditional love for the journey of heart and spirit you honour and share that we are all on. As the passing of my mother created the conditions for much internal work and transformation I feel that your grieving and loss has allowed you to boldly share the depth of your truth and authentic being with the world. My thoughts are with you on this day as we all prepare ourselves for the dynamic times ahead. Your work is exactly what people need to hear in order to trust and listen to themselves.

Be well and much love to you and this community of fine souls you have fused together,

Carson

[Jennifer]

Thinking of you Robert as always.
Jennifer

[Robert]

Hi all - Well, it's never easy. I recently heard of two relatively young men who died, one the brother of one of my best friends, the other one of my younger brother's best childhood friends. Both mothers are alive, so they too have now become bereaved parents at advanced ages. I have been sending them what prayers I can, since I know they too have been shipwrecked in hell. It never ends....

Hi fidant - I am sorry to hear of your loss. Without doubt it threw you into the Great Mystery. If your parents were alive, it may also help to explain their changes. Everybody who dies is somebody's child.

Hi Henry - May you never find yourself in my specific circumstances. And we all learn to move "shock" into Forgiveness. We are players on stage "here." We watch the movie after "here" so we may see what we learned and what we still need to learn. Rent "Defending Your Life." The only true "meaning" for what we go through here is to learn how to give and receive love.

Hi Micheline - Valid? All grief is valid, since where there is love, one must go before the other. The one still here in the body grieves as an effect of honoring that love. I am truly sorry you were left parentless at such a young age. Many take their parents for granted. I'm sure you've reached a self-sufficiency that many don't have, and your compassion for other children who "have it worse" is a great spiritual strength. I also feel overwhelming gratitude for all who have helped and cared for me even though my own parents are still alive. We all have metaphoric step-parents and step-grandparents that care for us if we recognize them. No one is isolated except by their own perception in our all-encompassing sea of Love. It's wonderful that you can sense your father's Spirit in your inmost consciousness. Your final sentence says it all. Aum Shanti.

Hi Felita - Thanks for your kind words. I spent many years NOT writing about it publicly, then two years ago knew I should post something, linked above. Thanks for your prayers for those who grieve. There are many who are bereft of hope, and our prayers do in fact assist whatever angels there are that assist, in this world as well as the next.

Hi Joanne - Compassionate Friends is a truly blessed organization. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter at such an impossibly young age. Over the years at various bereavement groups I founded or attended, I learned that no matter how long it's been, all bereaved parents still feel the loss in very deep and profound ways. I also can say I'm a better person for Blyth having been in my life, as painful as the journey has been. And yes, as noted in my book, the time we are apparently separate is far less than the time our Souls are together in Eternity as well as in various bodies.

Hi Freewheelin' - Thanks. We who are here witness the Unconditional Love we share with the departed, who always exist on the Soul level.

Hi Elizabeth - Well, I believe I have found a measure of peace, though it's taken many years to achieve it. Please don't even imagine what it's like - instead, just love your children all you can all the time for the rest of your existence. Don't worry - just love with all your heart, body, mind, Soul, and strength. And your words are a support. May my experience and others here who have shared theirs give you words to comfort those in your life who grieve. Pass it forward!

Hi Shelley - I'm sure that Dad hasn't had one day go by that he hasn't wondered on the deepest of levels why he said what he said. I pray that he can find peace in accepting the Mystery that some things are beyond our control, and his daughter did as she knew she should do despite whatever he said to her. If he had known, he no doubt would have told her to take care of herself differently. It sure seems serendipitous that you would have to go to him that day. Spirit does work in mysterious ways! I'm sure the book will help him in some ways neither of us can anticipate. Of course, you and all who have grieved, are grieving, or will grieve are welcome to whatever help you can find in what's written here.

Hi gaye - I explained in the book that having noted that grief does come in waves, over time we can ride the waves of grief through the moments of healing into a renewed life with renewed purpose. And that "breathing and loving and breathing..." is often the only thing we can do when life and feelings become chaotic.

Hi Mary - Yes, just as grief expresses in wave forms, so does community, and those of us who learn how to deal with chaotic situations are often called to assist others who also are in chaos. It's the Law of Magnetic Attraction, or Love, that binds all of us in the Circle of Life/Light/Love.

Hi Carson - Thanks for your kind and encouraging words. The loss of any loved one throws us into a quest for meaning, resolution, and renewed and deepened understanding of the mystery of who we are on Earth. My daughter's death (and my own NDE as well) have allowed me to know what matters and given me strength to "call it as I see it." When ego is shattered beyond recognition, there's not a lot to hold on to in the way of appearances. I also believe that listening to and trusting the inner Self is exactly what we need to break the illusions of fear, desire, attachment, and vanity. And thanks for your recognition of the "community of fine souls" that show up here. We're all in this together, and far less separate than it seems.

Hi Jennifer - Thanks. May the words of experience, comfort, and wisdom expressed by those in this community help you to help others.

Hi all again - And now it's off into the Silence for a while.

[dcu]

Robert: I am with you and thinking of you today. Also with the others that you mentioned in this posting. Surrounding you with Love, dcu

[Jilly]

I'm sending good vibes.

You are very brave to take a path that keeps your heart so open.

[michele]

again, your heartfelt wisdom is expressed, relayed and felt....
thanks for the revealing and connecting...
yes, to love, to open deeply there is the loss in whatever form it ultimately takes.

thanks for sharing a bit of you and your path. it is so helpful to me and so many.
i send prayers and light to you at this time....knowing that your inner knowing gets you throught...and, the realization of our inner connectedness with the All That Is and all the forms it takes....

peace, hugs

michele

Thanks for being you and all you do and share :-)

[Aditya]

I wish you eternal Peace and Happiness, Robert. I hope I am did the right thing to leave my job in 2005 so I could be with me children everyday and give them all my love. At this moment of time they are all I have spiritually.

[Phyllis]

Robert, We've shared an email on this subject and on our personal pain of losing a child. My heart and prayers go out to you today. For those who have not suffered this loss, I pray you never have to. There is a hole in your heart that never closes. You learn to smile again, but a big part of you is missing. Find strength knowing you will hold your precious child again in the next life. It is that fact that keeps me going when the days are blue. God bless you Robert. It's been 11 years for me and at times it feels just like yesterday.

[Christine E]

Peace of heart to all who have suffered this kind of loss...and every loss, really.

[Helen]

Robert,

Wanted you to know that I was thinking of you yesterday.

Peace,

Helen

[Valerie]

Thank you for a very fine, compassionate article, and I see that it has touched many people. I think it gives wonderful advice for all kinds of grief. Presently I am watching my parents (especially my mother with advanced Parkinsons disease)as they age and I know that my turn is coming. It's very difficult for me and I really appreciate your good advice. I'm very sorry you lost your daughter; you have shared your experience so that we can learn from it also. Thank you and God bless you.

[Robert]

Hi dcu - Thanks for your love and best thoughts. May all our relations find peace on this Earth so we may LIVE peace for all.

Hi Jilly - Well, it sure beats the alternative! Would not want to watch the movie and realize I blew chances to love.

Hi Michele - "Something's lost and something's gained in living every day..." There are so many who have lost loved ones that it's GOT to be a good thing for us to share our stories, if only to let us all know we're not so miserably alone in the depth of our sorrow, regardless of how often or seldom we find ourselves there.

Hi Aditya - I have never once doubted that the time I consciously choose have with my loved ones is the best spent time of my life. Someday your children will leave home and move into their grown lives, and you will never regret the precious hours you dedicated to them when young. I don't think they're all you have spiritually. You have your heart and mind and Soul, this community, and your friends, near and far, however many or few they are.

Hi Phyllis - I am sorry to hear of your loss. It is truly devastating. While the hole never has closed, I keep filling it with love, compassion, and the willingness to hold the Great Mystery, and it has brought me solace over the years. Truly we ALL pray that no one else will every join this club. I figure everyone I get to "hold" this lifetime is in some way emblematic of my child, since I had/have a lot of love for that being which must be expressed in some way. Sometimes it does seem like day before yesterday, even though it's been 20 years. But I have found love and life and purpose and perseverance, and a lot of strength and compassion that had not revealed itself before the loss, so all in all I suppose Blyth's death did me a huge service to the extent I was willing to walk the walk. Not that I believe I HAD to go through that to learn those virtues, but since I did go through the experience, it served to challenge me to open even more to my Higher Self.

Hi Christine - Thanks for your kind words for all who suffer. Eventually we'll experience the end of this kind of suffering, but only in the next Aeon.

Hi Helen - As someone of great feeling and deep compassion, I figured you were. Your open heart just can't help it.

Hi Valerie - Well, as I wrote in my book, eventually our personal pain becomes the pain of the world, we see how we are all linked across space and time in basic human experiences, and in that way find the door to a timeless compassion. Stepping through that door, we can never take some things for granted ever again, nor can we ever wish ill upon another (though we may wish them the "opportunities" to learn a greater compassion for others!);-) All grief feels bad. May your parents not suffer one minute more than they have to, nor you. I'm glad they have someone that cares in this very weird world that has evolved since they were young. Your prayers and meditations will be of help to them as they move through the transitions of this endgame to their lives.

[anu]

Robert and everyone else,

I just read this over and understood the deep springs of anguish and loss of so many souls.

And I feel so small and smug.

I am so glad to be connected to such a sensitive community that you have created.

I don't know about you all but I feel sadness simply gets layered over unlike anger that eventually does dissolve and gets boiled over and evaporates.Sadness on the other had becomes a fine alembic,eventually hardening into a hard metallic nugget that knocks about in your unperceptive subconsious gut and corrodes and scratches and irritates even in the midst of enormous exuberance.Especially the loss of a child.

I also love Felita's posts

[Robert]

Hi anu - You're so right that often grief gets layered over, since mostly the world never misses a beat demanding that we attend to our usual routines despite us finding ourselves shipwrecked in the grief zone. We all learn to deal with it the best we're able, and hopefully can help others who also are rattling around in their own form of suffering. When we can transmute sadness into a healthy form of grief work, then we cease to be in pain from it and actually come to a timeless peace of knowing that we share grief with countless others, and all our grief together offers us opportunities to learn ways to give and receive love.

[Tanya]

Robert,

I found your site for the first time today and I'm speechless, my husband's birthday was January 5 (just a few days prior to the 9th) AND in a few days from now it will be four years since I lost him. A sunami wave recently returned, knocking me off my feet but I feel my "finding" (if you belive in coincidence) your site so close to the day he passed is to provide us both comfort that their souls are together right now.

May your heart mend quickly and your thoughts bring only prescious, happy memories of your loved one. Both losses are immesuarable and bring gut wrenching pain and heartache. Time cannot heal all wounds. It is a daily challenge to move forward in our fast paced world but I'm confident our loved ones are sending us both a message of love today.

Namaste'