by Robert Wilkinson
Though I've given talks on this subject for years, I haven't shared with readers of this site one process that fairly easily stops negative parts of us from externalizing. While some may think this is easier said than done, I can assure you the process works if we apply ourselves and don't give up through impatience, ego judgments, and other obstructions getting in the way of the discipline. I state this with authority since it's worked for me and countless others over many years. If you want to explore one technique to give up unhelpful patterns, stay tuned.
First, it is helpful to remember that we ARE Unconditional and Eternal Loving Consciousnesses, and it's only the personality that confuses who we ARE with all the other strange learned emotions, speech patterns, and behaviors that are not helpful to anything or any one. We pursue pleasure and happiness, and along the way often find pain and unhappiness for all kinds of reasons that often have little or nothing to do with us personally. Our 5 senses and minds tend to obscure much in pursuing life in this 4 dimensional existence, and the processes of sequence, selection, desire, fear, vanity, and attachment often don't help us see things clearly.
In the process of remembering we're Unconditional Love we often get frustrated when the conditions of worldly love are taken away or we are denied that which we believe is pleasurable and worthy of our desire. We have an unfortunate tendency to believe all things are possible, and often compare ourselves to others who seem to have it easier than we do or possess what we want to possess.
This of course is an illusion, since each has their own unique destiny to pursue, and that precludes many things that could lead us astray from our Higher Purpose, or Dharma. In this impermanent world things are taken away or denied and we move on whether we want to or not. It is how we deal with our reactions that determines whether we're having a good time or a hard time in this worldly process.
Though there are many schools of thought about how to deal with negative feelings, I don't believe it's useful to indulge or externalize those types of feelings, since a pattern is a pattern and getting into a habit of expressing unhelpful feelings usually only breeds more. The Buddhist training I've had over the years leads me to the view that when confronted with our own imperfect and/or negative response to a thing, person, or circumstance, we should observe with infinite dispassion and detachment the tendency of negativity as it arises and then release it however we are able.
There are 4 stages of realization in this process. The first stage is when we notice how we were negative in our responses and feelings after the fact, and resolve to change the behavior "the next time." This generates positive intention and mindfulness which are necessary to transmute negativity. That's why we can't get too down on ourselves even after we've indulged the passions, since self-loathing is not helpful to generate positive feelings and intention.
The second stage is when we notice the negativity while we're in the middle of the passions, and stop the behavior during the experience and move our mind and speech into different directions. We can train our mind to "flag" certain feelings, attitudes, reactions, and other learned behaviors and redirect the energies to more productive ends, which may or may not have anything to do with the thing that triggered our negativity to begin with.
The third stage of realization is when we feel the arising of the negative response and at the moment we could externalize it, we don't go there. We stop the behavior before it starts, whether not saying something we feel like saying, or not reacting in a negative manner to whatever confronts us. This is the true beginning of self control, since we are changing the pattern as it arises and move our energy in a different direction of our own choosing.
The fourth stage of realization is when we sense the beginning of the tendency that could externalize as negativity, and with infinite detachment and dispassion for ourselves see it as something unreal so that it never becomes any form of potential action, feeling, or thought at all. This breaks the pattern of negativity externalizing in any way even for a short time. Eventually the passions do not control us, nor even reside in us as something to be externalized, but only a prior tendency that isn't as strong as before.
Whether you're at stage 1, 2, or 3 of this process in any given stressful situation, do not judge yourself for doing it "good enough" or not. Simply apply this formula even to your own self judgments, and resolve to be mindful of your own thoughts, feelings, speech and actions so you can observe what moves you. Then you can choose your responses, and eventually eliminate the patterns of externalizing negativity in every way by transmuting them into positivity and altruistic intention. The rewards of pursuing this self-discipline are infinite.
© Copyright 2008 Robert Wilkinson
Hi Robert, Thank you so much for the metaphysical "group hug". Been working a lot on the internal things since the last reading, not much has been externalized. The Not Good Enuf feelings have been gently tideshifting and transmuting into a simple peace and knowledge that I am who I am and don't want to be (more like) anyone or anything else. Still more work to be done, but that will flow in its own rhythm. Have a safe trip!
Posted by: Vahana | September 26, 2008 at 10:55 AM
Hi Robert... yes i second that thank you, just caught myself (??since mercury went retrograde & a few perceived stressors) slipping into less helpful grooves/patterns of thought. Amazing how the 'Gremlins' appeared to snowball & then hey presto with the wonder of synchronicity this article & a chat with a friend both occuring immediately helped to click me into realisation. So i'm off to mow the grass in the NOW :-) Blessings H
Posted by: H | September 27, 2008 at 04:00 AM
Robert,
What a great column. Thank you.
I thought I'd share with you something related about addiction that someone wrote today as well regarding addiction -- I hope you find it interesting, too.
Best, Annette
If you’re feeling a bit spooked by the intensity of the feelings you’re feeling, don’t go into escape mode, whatever you do. That is one of Scorpio’s MO’s... Addiction. Addiction is your spirit’s way of telling you you’re not comfortable. People who allow themselves their addictions have a basic belief that life is supposed to be comfortable, but that could not be further from the Truth. Life is like a heartbeat... Up and down, up and down. It’s down at least half the time. The true enjoyment of life is riding the up and down wave with abandon and joy. It’s a ride, an adventure, a game.
Posted by: Annette | September 27, 2008 at 04:48 AM
Maybe you are interested in this site,it's a guide of 4 best astrology web sites.
4 best astrology web sites
I wish you´ll like it and it´ll be useful for you. Regards.
Posted by: Sandra | September 27, 2008 at 05:48 AM
Hi Vahana - Sometimes the river speeds up, other times it slows, but it always flows. Peace and knowledge are very good things.
Hi H - Yes, gremlins do tend to pop up with amazing speed. That's why self control is a virtue. So is mowing the grass, especially if it keeps the mosquitoes down!
Hi Annette - Yes, Scorpio, being fixed Water, tends to perpetuate the intensity around the object of desire. Pisces is traditionally the sign of "self undoing," as well as the emotional rationalizations around unfortunate behaviors. The Scorpio in us "just does it" and is ready to fight if challenged. Pisces justifies the behavior to itself and judges others for judging. To me that's more an escape mode than challenge. Scorpio is the warrior in us that can hold the line. Pisces is the part of us that slips out the back. Of course, Scorpio and Pisces energies also express many other ways as well. Not sure addictions have to do with "comfort." Humanity has been self medicating since the beginning of time for all kinds of reasons. And some addictions are just fine - I'm "addicted" to writing. It's often not comfortable, but something I must do as an expression of my higher purpose. I'm "addicted" to experiencing forms of conditional and unconditional love as well, since it sustains me, turns me on, and finds 10,000 expressions that are all satisfying. Even when they're not, I'm still "addicted" to turning suffering into love. I'm "addicted" to knowing I'm fulfilling the purpose of my life, whether it seems that way or not. And I'm certainly "addicted" to petting my cat. You get the drift. To me, there are many things one can get attached to, and not all of them lead to comfort, but they all lead to learning the necessary lessons of detachment, which must be practiced to be truly "known." Thus the heart beat analogy is spot on. We attach to whatever, then learn to detach, if only from our view of whatever we believe we should be attached or detached from.
Hi Sandra - Well, I am familiar with Michael Lutin's work as well as Eric Francis' work. I chose to leave the link even though it is off topic and you never checked with me first to ask if it was appropriate as per commenting guidelines. I do take exception that these 4 are "the best" websites and astrologers given that two of them seem very superficial and commercial. I know of quite a few others that are much more informative on much higher levels of awareness and scholarship. I do like your pregnancy tips, however. They actually are useful.
Posted by: Robert | September 27, 2008 at 06:31 AM
Hi Robert,
I have to admit I find stuff like this very confusing. I know for me, at least, dispassion often translates into repression of negative emotion (the whole "Serenity Now!" thing) and it is very hard for me to tell the difference until it expresses itself in some other less than healthy fashion. I believe the kind of self-discipline you are talking about is possible...but I have known quite a few people who presented themselves as lovingly detached and were really just seethingly passive-aggressive. Isn't emotional expression necessary sometimes, even when it is not all sweetness and light? What is the difference between dispassion and repression?
Thanks,
Christine
Posted by: Christine E | September 27, 2008 at 12:38 PM
Robert,
I don't know the astrology, but I do know about addiction. You use it loosely -- as people do with "love" when they say they love the weather -- and mean it in terms of attachment, I see. Addiction is attachment that can easily be different in kind (not in degree) from the sort you talk about (writing, cat petting, etc.).
To say you're "addicted" to writing means that you seem not to be able to help yourself -- but that's obviously very different from a chemical dependency on heroin or alcohol. Withdrawal from the latter is much more severe and pushes people back into the behavior (or attachment) with a different kind of force.
I do agree that attachment comes in many forms, as does comfort, but I don't think your comparison works in practice (although theoretically it does).
Posted by: Annette | September 28, 2008 at 02:49 AM
Very helpful. Thank you for posting.
Posted by: Pepper | September 28, 2008 at 12:22 PM
Robert,
Greetings again from a region where the snow is covering the jasmine.
Robert you speak about eliminating those destructive voices that lead us to nowhere.
I find they only exist if I am thinking, because thinking can only occur in the past or in the future.
So whenever, I feel any contraction or unease then I know there has been thought, then it is just a question of taking awareness back to where my body meets the chair, the light falling through the trees, the rising and falling of the breath.
No more, no less.
As one becomes more and more aware of this, the spaces of peace become deeper, stretch out for longer.
Suffering = thought. End of story.
susana
The strangest thing for me is that I was sorry that the particle collider went smoothly. I really see no way out from this mess that this planet has become.
Okay going away from thinking now.
Posted by: susana | September 28, 2008 at 11:22 PM
Dear Robert
I am born 1962, july 29, 9.29 pm at delhi.
I have an addiction to anger especially with people I love.Most people I love have left me and while leaving have told me to please see things in perspective and get a hold over myself.The funny part is I am very self denying and austere and challenge myself into extreme self discipline most times.
I am also extremely vindictive and dont let go ---so much so that my pulse rate is a high 104 always.Also I am push people away with my seriousness.
What in my chart do you think contributes to this?
I want to honestly get rid of this but none of that meditation , counting till ten has ever worked. I feel so foolish and outa control . Please help. I feel this is my last chance.
Two your comments abt pisces make me feel we guys dont have a chance from escapism and bamboozling ourselves into self destruction. I am a living example I know.
Three , I lack persistence. Is it coz of too much water element in my chart. How to get the leo sun going? I am so withdrawn and easily whacked back . Please tell me a way to be less inhibited because I have so much desire to give and share and love.
Posted by: anu | September 28, 2008 at 11:55 PM
thank you robert
I read the article again and again
It's about doing it over and over right?
Posted by: anu | September 29, 2008 at 12:13 AM
Hi Christine - Dispassion is the ability to regard what's going on as though it's happening to a thing you created, but not YOU. It involves detaching from getting worked up as a separate self caught in suffering, and finding a balanced sense of perspective, and if possible, humor in what's going on. This should lead to a sense of decisiveness and empowerment, not frustration or struggle. I don't believe negative feelings should be repressed, but also know it doesn't help to indulge them either. Name the demon and it loses its power over you, but dancing with a demon keeps you struggling with it. As for people who are not as they seem, well, we all have bad days from time to time, and even have a harder time with some people than others. Passive-aggressive is not dispassion. Honest emotional expression is always necessary - but it's up to us to choose which feelings we express, and how, so we don't perpetuate unfortunate patterns.
Hi Annette - We're in fundamental agreement, so I'm fleshing out what I said a little for the benefit of those who are not schooled in the psychology of addiction. From one point of view ALL "addiction" ultimately is attachment to a pattern. All desire creates a pattern which at some point will lead us out of pleasure into pain, except the Higher desire for union with "God," whatever form that takes. (And even that creates a lot of pain for ego!) All "addictions" of any stripe whatsoever are habits of desire fulfillment, whether the object of "addiction" is actually fulfilling that desire or not. And of course I agree that some attachments lead to much different outcomes than other attachments.
If I didn't write I would feel frustrated and unfulfilled in not having a vehicle to communicate some truths I've found that can help lessen the suffering of others. I have a desire for union with "God" that would wreck my life if I didn't pursue it 24/7. And I truly can't help myself from wanting to pet the cats, now and for as long as he/she is alive and even beyond. They feed me on a level that is harder to break than heroin use. At least they don't wreck my life, but they do keep me humble and on my toes!;-)
Years ago I knew many junkies, some of whom could easily stop doing heroin, for weeks or months. Others were a mess from their first dose. I broke a very bad (different) drug habit decades ago by simply walking away in a moment of clarity. Never looked back and had zero desire from that day on. Breaking that habit, and knowing many others in the old days who also could break very bad habits using a variety of techniques showed me that some people withdraw much easier than others, with no unfortunate behaviors or displacement of addiction. A long time AA'er who's a dear friend put it to me this way: If drinking is creating problems and wrecking your life, you're an alcoholic. If drinking is not creating problems or wrecking your life, you're not.
To me that brings it full circle to the relationship of a being to an object of desire. We're all "addictive personalities," in one form or another. Some handle drinking well, others not so well, and others not at all. Some are addicted to being right rather than being happy. Some are addicted to "being happy" rather than seeing the eternal need to renounce desire for union with the Eternal. There are plenty of problems arising from "the urge to merge," but some handle them better than others. Again, a desire that is impossible to break. That's an addiction. But without it, we'd have no human race. Some things to consider.
Hi Pepper - You're welcome.
Hi Susana - A land of jasmine snows sounds magical. You're on to a powerful technique of transmutation, since all material and emotional expressions originate in the mind. There is a desire mind, which is the positive (strong) pole of the lower self. Reason is the weak pole, which is why any desire can be reasoned out. Intelligence is the weak pole of the Higher Self, but alone is not strong enough to overcome a desire that has been reasoned out. But the strong pole of the Higher Self is Will, and that alone can immediately surmount any desire of any sort. In your case, the Spiritual Will is strong enough to stop the mind in its eternal restlessness and curiosity. Actually, thinking is only in the NOW, but it always references past and future images due to its inherent binary sequence-selection process. Unease is recognizable so we can learn Divine Discrimination, which while being a mental process, is also the way we come out of illusions that create suffering. What you're describing is a very powerful meditational technique of detachment coupled with mindfulness. Not sure the particle collider went well since it's no longer functioning, and won't be for awhile. But it went well in that it definitely took a very expensive and dangerous toy out of the hands of the magicians.
Hi anu - Yes, it's all about setting a pattern of intention so that even when we get caught in negativity for a moment, we know how to redirect the energies to more altruistic ends. Anger is an expression of Mars. There is healthy anger and toxic anger. We learn toxic anger. That's what must be released through transmutational techniques. The basis of toxic anger is usually fear, mixed to whatever degree with vanity, desire, and attachment to sensations of feeling strongly.
If everyone is telling you to get perspective, then I suppose you should do that, whether they are there to agree with you or not. We all can definitely profit by disciplines of self control so that our lower self doesn't run our lives into the proverbial ditch. We must always be careful with austerities, since we may be denying some perfectly good parts of us and indulging some elements that are not so helpful. "Vindictive" is always unhelpful, since it shows a lack of faith in the Divine Law known as Karma and perpetuates thoughts, feelings, and actions that will rebound on the one who is vindictive. That unhelpful intention usually arises from a combination of vanity (pride) mixed with fear and attachment to an illusion.
Sun opposed Saturn makes for hardness and rules learned in childhood that must be overcome to move beyond enslavement and frustration by external forms. Your powerful T-square between Mars, Jupiter, and Venus/Pluto shows much forgiveness work to be done this lifetime, along with detachment from getting hassled and doing things not in your better interests. Be more clear about your role in things, and move toward that which is more fulfilling to you. Over time your life can be much improved from when you were younger due to some very favorable aspects. Having a Jupiter in Pisces opposition Saturn in Virgo, I know something about the unfortunate manifestations of that polarity (which we all have to one degree or another.)
We ALWAYS can turn self-destructive tendencies into higher ways if we engage our Divine Will and stop allowing the desire mind to dominate. You have plenty of persistence when it's in your Majesty's interest to persist!;-) It is said that if the ruler has a wound that will not heal, it is due to a betrayal in early life by an elder. That is what has "orphaned" you leaving you not in dominion of your realm. Heal the wound and your realm will prosper. Akbar is a great historical example of how a damaged king can become a great sage and exemplar of the higher possibilities of humanity.
Posted by: Robert | September 29, 2008 at 10:55 AM
Dear Robert
thank you
You are really so kind ;I am overwhelmed
I am saying this once again: you are a very good astrologer ;you intuit rather perfectly.
I had a miserable childhood where I used to be shamed by my brother who was 10 years older;
It was the emotional equivalent of stripping me naked and turning me lose for everyone to see
Physically used to twist my arm, roll me in a blanket and punch me, kick me down the stairs, lock me up with the lights all off and my head rolled up in towels everyday, beat me --all because he was my babysitter;I used to live in a state of terror ;
my parents I hate because they were powerless and were scared of his anger and chose to look away ---never protected me even in my adolescence which was just pure war.
later he used to sneer about my body and sexuality,he sneers even today about my job, my inability to make money like him.I tried very hard to forgive him but he hasn't changed ;now I do not meet him
To top it all my husband strung me along for years and then left
Thankfully the one thing that has evaporated after he left is self pity.
And I will sure take a hard look at myself and my unforgiving hard nature.
And yes, humor should be a better balm
But joy? one can even be equanimous as you say repress, depress feelings and patterns.
I'd like a sliver of pure joy, exuberance, some bliss to drip into my life
Asking for too much am I ?
Posted by: anu | September 30, 2008 at 03:32 AM
Hi anu - You're most welcome. I am so sorry that your brother seems to be such a cruel person, and apparently hasn't figured out that making others suffer will never make him happy. Physical battering should never be endured one second more than it takes to leave the situation. And truly, I am sorry your parents allowed his temper to dominate your home. He sounds like he's very competitive with you, and jealous of you. Here I am reminded of the old phrase, "The best revenge is living well."
Good that you have abandoned self pity, since it's a useless emotion. Please take a forgiving look at yourself, not a "hard" one. Seeing the leela, the absurdity of the human condition, can lead us to laugh at the fallibility of things, and move on into more happy circumstances and experiences. It is said that "Happiness is of the mind, Joy is of the Soul, and Bliss is of the Spirit." The life of Ammachi shows us that even one who as a child is severely abused in every way could become a living Saint living in Joyous Bliss every moment of every day.
Joy cannot be found by depressing anything, since the Soul, the feeling-form of the Eternal Self, IS Joy itself and merely loves all that is, connected with many others within the eternal Soul-field of the Buddhic plane. And of course, we ARE Atman, and therefore Bliss, once we tame the mind that allows the feelings of suffering to dominate.
You ARE the Joy and Bliss you seek. It is merely a challenge for you (and all of us) to behold the glorious Eternal Being that we ARE and always will BE, and put the other perceptions in their proper place. We have a body, we have feelings, we have a mind, but we ARE Eternal Beings whose nature is Joy and Bliss, Love-Wisdom-Intelligence incarnate. We are told by Rishis in ancient sources that "Those who seek shall surely find." Your growth is limitless, and you are only bound by your imagination. Throw off your chains of suffering, and claim your Eternal Self. Then you will find the joy you wish to experience.
Posted by: Robert | September 30, 2008 at 08:47 AM
very helpful. many thanks.
Posted by: tony | May 14, 2009 at 10:05 AM