Interpersonal Misunderstandings - Knowing When "It's Not Our Fault"

by Robert Wilkinson

It seems this time of Pisces, with the ongoing tensions of Saturn opposition Uranus and ripple effect of recent and distant Eclipses, is marked by a number of relationships changing in big ways. Many are ending through death or estrangement, giving us opportunities to get clear about what motivates each, as well as where the subconsciousness of each is at, which is ultimately strengthening to our integrity.

People play out roles in our lives, according to our and their intentions. Sometimes harmony is inherent, sometimes learned, and sometimes rejected, according to individual circumstances. Each acts of their free will to give or take within the relationship, and usually there are many hidden agendas, both known and unknown.

Never discount the possibility of inadvertence. Sometimes there may be conscious motive behind an action or what is said, but remember that many things occur as a result of a lack of conscious intent. Then the dance manifests showing the "law of unintended consequences" at work. Many problems arise as a result of a lack of clarity about priorities and how deeply each has been affected by past experiences.

Some difficulties in relationships arise from misunderstanding something about ourselves or another. Since we don't have perfect knowledge, we can not and probably should not attribute "blame" to some of what happens, as often the frictions between people are simply another case of a human being crashing against another human being without meaning to. Some of what happens is preventable, some not so preventable, according to how much wisdom was distilled from prior experiences with similar elements.

There are mutual attractions that would work perfectly if only we were under different circumstances than the ones in which we find ourselves. Though we may be extraordinarily attracted to another, and they to us, it is important to remember that outer worldly pressures often intrude. These usually accompany inner transformational junctions, and show our weaknesses and our strengths.

Many times, one or both are not aware enough to say their decisions are made in full consciousness of the best possibilities for each and both. Generally, since people tend to operate from ego defenses, they do whatever they need to in the moment to relieve the pressure without thought to the ultimate causes and best response to those pressures.

When there are frictions, the best we can do is take the high road, while refusing to get jammed up around the choices another is making. Sometimes what's going on is truly not of our making, and there's little to nothing we can do about it. Then we have to figure out what is in our best interests and do that.

Eventually we learn how to be fluid at the hard edges of our interactions, and by knowing what blame or guilt we should not take on, we can lighten our load as well as whatever tensions are present in a given moment. If we don't yield to fear, blame, guilt, or shame, then we will not accept it from another nor project it on another. This frees us from falling prey to a host of other personality ills as well.

Since we are at a time of endings, perhaps the best approach offered by the "sign of the times" is to be as compassionate and forgiving as possible, of ourselves, others, and the whole generic human condition. When something's done it's done. As we recognize this, we can turn to the new life chapter that already awaits our consideration. Aum Namah Shivaya!

© Copyright 2009 Robert Wilkinson

Comments

[Damien]

It seems that our exercise in duality is the Tao's way of reaffirming its complexity and the extraneous circumstances we find ourselves are but particulates in solution, adhereing to each other even as they pull away...at least in duality. ;)

[shannon hughes]

Robert,
I have been reading your blog with great devotion and gratitude since November 08 when the Saturn-Uranus opposition blew wide open a relationship i was in for over two years. (9-7-1956 10:01 am san diego california) it was and still is so incredibly shocking that i am barely able to comprehend it. Reading this is invaluable to me, as are you and your wisdom.
When I do my daily prayers, I always include you in them, as your wisdom has been a guiding light, on what has been a very dark and painful path.
blessings.
shanita

[Lainie]

Very helpful and perfectly timed -- thank you Robert.

[Alix]

Dear Robert,

Thank you so much for yet another so timely article. It's been upsetting but really quite refreshing the way all my relationships are being modified, those that are not flexible enough to withstand those changes are indeed disappearing, there has been enormous frictions every time now that these two get on an exact opposition. It's been quite amazing.

Many blessings to you and your family,
Alix

[WarriorLady]

"If we don't yield to fear, blame, guilt, or shame, then we will not accept it from another nor project it on another. This frees us from falling prey to a host of other personality ills as well."

HOLY furry kittens, Batman! This afternoon, I'd written an article about the injustices of "tolerance", having expressed that "ignoring" matters equates to "tolerating" them. Tolerance, not intolerance, stems from fear and appears to be the root of most of our problems/conflicts.

Keep up the excellent work!

[Julie]

Hi Robert, This might well be track 12... as always thank you for the perspective and an alternative interpretation of a life situation.

[Yeshe (Josie)]

thank you Robert! This couldn't have been more timely, as insanity is reigning in around me. Your words of wisdom just helped me unravel a most intense knot in my mindstream. Om mani padme hung, may the compassion of Chenrezig relieve all suffering of all sentient beings in this tumultuous time! I may be due for another reading from you soon,

Tashi delek,
Yeshe (Josie)

[wendy]

WOW, is this perfect timing!! Today we rented (rainy day stuff) Wall.E and Lakeview Terrace. Both movies made for a review on a broad impersonal picture in life, my own life stuff, and your article.
It's amazing how much one can project onto another without even understanding why, then have it lead to big troubles!! I've been in plenty of trouble from that and have become much more analytical and cautious. Even with my deep inner mind probings I still have blind spots that only become aware thru projection.
But over all I'm MUCH more Awakened and Aware!!
Also I've learned to discern others projections and thus avoid their troubles. It becomes easier with time and focused awareness. Kindness (not niceness) does help to clear up the clouds of ego drive, that's for sure!

Thank you for once again bringing up a brilliant blue print of part of the human psyche.
Thanks for such a liberating article!!!

Wendy

[zenisee]

Oh. So it's not just happening to me.
Having spent half the weekend crying, I guess this is some consolation. Wondering how to get through the rest... with sun 15 Aries and ascendant 23 Virgo, and my second Saturn return approaching, is this how life looks for the next few years?

Thanks, Robert.

[Debbie Mandel]

Wow you have great insightful info - i am an aquarius female 2-11-60 that ended 2 long term relationships last oct 17th, 2008. I don't know what happened - still grieving b/c i can't seem to shake this thing. any advice for me - i get really lonely at times & then seem to enjoy the solitude w/ meditation & yoga, etc at other times. love your blog

[Robert]

Hi Damien - Yes, much of our existence is within temporary constructs so we can learn detachment, discrimination, dispassion, and how to generate positivity despite the apparent losses.

Hi Shannon - Glad you found your way here. The thing about relationships is that unless a being is your true friend or "Twin Flame," at some point each goes their own way. Even Soul Mates eventually walk on, since our lessons of learning the difference between conditional and unconditional love eventually shows us the truths that set us free. We'll do many dances with many Beings as we learn what is true for us, "the limits of loyalty and disinterestedness" as the I Ching puts it. Thanks for including me in your prayers. I'll respond to your email later.

Hi Lainie - Of course you're most welcome. It was inspired by several friends and clients who are going through changes. It seems that we're all in this together.

Hi Alix - Well, disruptions are inevitable when two or more individuals crash into each other while moving through the intersections of life. And yes, flexibility is a key to maintaining good relations with people who are stressed or otherwise going through their own changes. I doubt there's ever been a marriage that did well without both being very flexible whether they wanted to or not. Of course, thanks for your blessings, and may you and yours also do well.

Hi WarriorLady - Some things should not be tolerated, like child abuse. Other things must be tolerated, like our personality tendencies to take the low road even as we transmute our responses to the higher levels. Ignoring things never cured anything, or helped anything get to a higher level of function. Some tolerance stems from courage, while other types originate from fear. Some intolerance stems from courage, other types from fear. It all depends on what's being tolerated or not. And as the I Ching states, we must learn to tolerate flaws that are harmless while rooting out those which are damaging or dangerous.

Hi Julie - Yes, during chart sessions I focus on personal stuff, but then there are always the larger trends and tides that affect all of us. That's why I began my work on the web. Glad this augments the session.

Hi Yeshe - Sorry the Grand Irrationality is plucking your strings! Very good that a knot could be undone through these concepts. I wondered why I wrote it the way I did, since it is of a slightly different style than most of my posts. Email me soon if you want a session any time before late April, since I'm already booked solid through early April.

Hi Wendy - Haven't seen those movies, but will look them up. Projections usually do lead to various types of trouble. And due to recent events, like the eclipses and Mars conjunct Jupiter point, we're all withdrawing from old projections both to and from us, and learning to plan anew. Many things we used to like will no longer be a part of our new life, given that Cosmos is pouring out new potentials based in what we have not yet done. Of course, you're very welcome. Liberating experiences are always a very good thing!

Hi zenisee - As you can read, it's happening to many, in many ways. Crying is a good way to "bucket the pond" and release pent-up feelings. You'll probably find a new approach to your light/life during the coming Venus RX period, and re-vision who you are, what you value, what you see, what you desire, and what truths you want to follow that will make your future more enjoyable than the past. I'm going through my second Saturn return, and it seems to be work, work, and more work, while getting real about my boundaries, limitations, and responsibilities. On the whole, not bad. But definitely not anything like my life pre-2005.

Hi Debbie - Doing healthy grieving often brings up other past experiences buried at earlier times. It helps us move through other times of grief, our own and others', with greater grace, tenderness, and forgiveness. I suspect many new things and people are on the way already, and you'll glimpse your future over the next few weeks.

You'll definitely understand more about those losses by this Autumn when Jupiter goes SD near your Sun. Welcome to the end of a 12 year cycle, and the beginning of a new 12 year adventure. Opportunity is all around you this year, so open the door and greet the Guest! Since you're at the end of a long cycle that began in your 20s, try to keep in mind that you're now at a point in life where if it works for you it's true, and if it doesn't work it's not true, regardless of previous or potential conditions.

Solitude is good when we need to be away from outer things, but it's a bit like breathing - we go in, we go out, the blood circulates, and we do too. Meditation definitely is a good thing. This blog is a gathering place so we know we're not alone in our difficulties, and many find community here.

[Annette]

Robert,

Your post sounds eerily familiar -- I guess there are a lot of us going through exactly the same thing. How challenging it is to be human. How challenging it is to be human among other humans. I guess we can only do our best.

Thanks for reiterating the "don't blame yourself" bit.

Annette

[shanita]

thanks again robert for your generosity in replying to all of us!
it looks like there are many of us experiencing these transits synchronistically!
i appreciate the particular wisdom you offered me and it does resonate perfectly.
i will be looking forward to hearing from you!

[alessandr]

Dear Robert,
How do you do this ? As always, when i get to read your column, your words soothe the turmoil i'm in...and i suddently feel better. This past week i received what i can call a very, very aggressive response from someone i thought wanted to offer his direction with my work. I am still wondering why this person wanted to meet with me... I was so sad and so shocked after that meeting!
Will we see calmer waters soon ? As you have described it, it seems like a general state of things, but i always wonder sometimes if i react in certain ways because of my ridiculous sensitivity (i'm a cancer born 2 july 1967)...
Thank you for sharing your precious gift with all of us that can't always see what we are facing.

alessandra

[Cris]

Robert! Great message! Thanks. You are brillant indeed.
Sharing now with people that read your blog an interview you've done which is on youtube and am recommending others to check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBNC7AVYg9E - again, your words have so much wisdom.
I am curious to know about some of your aspects though. Where is your asc, moon, house 10...? I am just learning the basics of astrology but would like to know what aspects make you so clear of what we are and how we are. I have great admiration for your soul and the progress you are in on your spiritual evolution/journey. Hold this Light higher and stronger for more people to awake to it. A wink and High-5! Cris

[Josie]

what a lovely and informed blog. i felt like you were talking directly to me and to my experience over the past half year. the sign of a great article, when you can connect to a 'random passerby' (aka: drive-by reader such as myself) so deeply. thank you for your words.

[melusine]

"Guilt" is a delusion of ego, and is not ever a part of cosmic consciousness. Blame is extinguished the moment we realize and sincerely repent our mistake/error. None are required to hold onto it.

[Aditya]

Hi Robert, Great article as usual. I have decided to move away from a confrntational relationship with my wife. Its better this way as I am more calm and focus on the things that really matter. Ofcourse I can never break connections with her completely as she is taking care of our two children.
Its just that after reading this article I realize that I am not alone going through this. As I said to you in my last post, I still hope I can find and be with my twin flame.
Could you please tell me in brief what I may expect this year. It would be much appreciated.

21 Mar 1974, 1755 GMT, Dehradun, India

[Viki]

Hi Robert,

Thanks for this article. Timely, as always. Detachment and honest self-examination are valuable tools when navigating through the sea of humanity. As always, balance is a key.

[Larisa]

Hi Robert - so right on on what is happening - weird stuff. Eye of the storm. Endings. Strange decisions, not sure made consiously or not. I am going through a very hard time for the last two weeks. Not sure what it is. (Aries sun, Scoprio moon, Leo rising). Thank you. why is it happening?

[tolly]

In the midst of such traumatic times when my heart really feels harder than I can ever recall, I am taking comfort in Losar, and raising my compassion to join in the stream of blessings being offered by the Bon. I recently received the following from the Abbot of Menri monastery, a Tibetan Bon monastery in the Indian Himalaya:

Tibetan New Year (Losar)at the Yungdrung Bon Monastery of Menri.

Many warm greetings and Tashi Deleks from us all, lamas, monks, nuns, and children.

We wish all of you a happy Tibetan New Year of the Earth Ox !

On February the 27th morning, a wonderful yearly event will take place. His Excellency Ponlop Thinley Nyima, the geshes and senior meditation monks, the Dialectic School monk students, the Redna Menling Nunnery nuns, the BCWC boys, the BCH girls and boys, and the Dolanji camp Tibetan people will all gather on the hilltop above the Menri Monastery.

We shall recite prayers for universal peace and happiness for all sentient beings in all the existing worlds. May compassion, happiness, love and peace develop and prevail!

We shall make plentiful offerings to the world deities, to the local gods and to the Nagas of all the existing worlds for a happy and peaceful Year of the Earth Ox 2009.

Offering sounds: we shall play music, blow conch shells and long Tibetan trumpets (dungchen), beat drums, cymbals and Bonpo flat bells.

Food delicacies: we shall offer barley and wheat dough cake sculptures (torma), with wonderful sweets, pure butter, cheese and milk, roasted barley (tsampa), popped barley, popped wheat and corn, puffed rice.

Fine nectars: we shall offer precious gold liqueur (serkyem: medicinal tea in which a gold ingot is steeped) and turquoise liqueur (yukyem: medicinal beer in which a big virgin turquoise gem is steeped), silver and jewels nectars, tea, wine, whiskey, Tibetan beer (chang), and we shall multiply all their amounts by prayer, visualization and meditation.

We shall make aromatic offerings, burning incense, scented juniper branches and medicinal herbs, and shall throw printed paper fliers (lungta) in the hot air rising above an open fire.

New prayer flags will be stretched across the hillside.

There will be a tea party with tasty Indian sweets (the ball-shaped ‘ladu’) offered to everyone attending the ceremony.

You are always in our thoughts and prayers !

Menri Trizin Abbot

[Larisa]

to: Menzi Trizin Abbot - I want to visit Indian Himalaya.

[AnneTexas]

Loved the article. Off topic, but here is a link to Comet Lulin and Saturn as they near opposition on the 8th. Enjoy. http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/ap090227.html

[michele]

so much of this going on right now.....

i spoke of this on awakenings....

robert, such a timely post :-)

[Valerie]

Hi Robert,
As an oversensitive Cancer I appreciate this article. Very reassuring.

Wall-e, a must-see movie!!!

Namaste :)

[Larisa]

Robert, really, so much is happening, volatile energy, crazy stuff.. why? what is up there triggering it?

[Robert]

Hi all - Will try to begin answering some questions but am still on the road. Please cut me some slack.

Hi Annette - Yes, many are going through the same thing. I believe we're all being taught that we're all in this together.

Hi Shanita - Trying, but it's getting impossible to answer everyone. Things will be changing after my next solar return. Hopefully all will be answered, but by (or in) a class instead of only me. Just too many questions.

Hi alessandra - Just tuning in. Sorry that aggressive people are on the loose. Welcome to everyone's reality, mine included. The waters will NOT calm soon. Best thing is much distance between us and an irritable being.

Hi Cris - That interview was truly a long time ago. Glad it still yields good insights. I was born 1 April 1951, 1:13:40 pm, Chester, PA. Still shining the light the best I can....

Hi Josie - You're most welcome. Glad that this blog can assist everyone who drops by.

Hi Melusine - Realization and repentance are merely the first part of the equation, since karma doesn't really care what we think or feel. Only doing whatever it takes to correct things in real time changes pattern.

Hi Aditya - Thanks. Good that you're changing pattern of response. Be as compassionate and responsible as possible. You will no doubt find everything changing radically over the next 1000 days. Cannot possibly forecast - no time and too many questions to answer.

Hi Viki - You're welcome. Balance is the key to the equilibrium of the universe.

Hi Larisa - Sorry you're going through your stuff. Already answered you, but the email got sent back.

Hi tolly - Sounds like powerful rituals! Taking refuge in the Wisdom, the Way, and the Community are truly a good focus in the midst of the Great Transition. All outer forms conceal the true essence of things.

Hi AnneTexas - Again, Lulin may be one thing or another, but EVERYTHING depends on the human heart.

Hi Michele - Off the road in a few days, catching up on everything. We will commune soon.

Hi Valerie - You're welcome.

[Aditya]

Thank you, appreciate your reply. Love