by Robert Wilkinson
Death has again unexpectedly intruded in my life. An ex just died last night. Though we have not seen each other for many years, we had no animus toward each other, and spoke off and on for years after the initial cooling period. Now she's gone, like so many others I've known during my time in this acutely impermanent reality called human life. This has raised some profound feelings in me about our mortality and choices.
Anyone who dares to love will experience many relationships, some closer than others. Through our relationships we find out what we like and what we don't, what does and does not work for us, and what we should and should not do, Some relationships seem more "fated," some less, but all relationships help us fulfill conscious and unconscious needs and desires, whether good or bad.
We start with great intentions, and through the twists and turns of experiences wind up after a time with complex feelings. When these mesh between two people, we find happiness. When they don't, we find friction. Which of these dominate determines if we will stay together, and for how long.
We don't have to be in constant contact or living with someone to feel deeply about the death of one we once knew and had strong feelings about. I have found that for just about everyone, dormant feelings and memories can occasionally echo for years after the direct dance with the one we loved. And when a loved one dies, deep feelings come up. Not necessarily longing for what was or never was, but deep feelings about one's own mortality and choices.
It's a great time for reflecting on then and now and all that has happened in between those points in our life experience. I have been reminded of many other friends who have died since we were together, as well as living friends we once shared many years ago. I've already contacted a few, since they too would want to know that an old friend has passed from this Earth.
She was an important part of my life story, and helped me become a better man for the experience. Though years ago we shared a full range of feelings, for good and bad, ultimately I wound up (as a result of consistent positive intention) feeling compassion for her colored by a detached indifference since we had both moved on and become different beings than we were when married.
I've always tried to find Truth in all experiences, both pleasurable and painful. After a period of time with her and without her, I was shown a deep constant of our human experience.
We dance with strangers, we live with strangers, we hope with strangers, we love strangers. Even when we think we "know" each other, there is an iceberg that is submerged below whatever peak we perceive. And yet we strive to love on, since our heart calls us to an ever-greater intimacy with All-That-Is.
By the issues of our hearts we come to know ourselves. In our relationships, through our mutual and separate experiences, we grow toward some things and away from others. And sometimes people just go different directions,
Each has a Dharma to fulfill, a mystery to live, a story to tell, a song to sing. Sometimes we sing in unison, sometimes we sing in harmony, sometimes we sing solo. And solitude has its virtues. Each has its own appropriate time to happen if we are to live a full life.
That's why each person we love is so important, whether we had pleasurable or painful experiences with them. It's also why it's good to show our love for our friends while they're here. When they die, we get to move our love into timeless realms and take a moment or two to reflect on our own inevitable time when we too will check out from this mortal vale. The Mystery is always around the corner, and sometimes Maugham's "Appointment at Samarra" is inevitable.
Now there's not much left to fulfill in this important life relationship except the prayers to help guide her through the Bardo. We are told our prayers for the dead assists them toward whatever frequency of the Heavenworld where they will find peace and instruction until their next time to reincarnate. These honor and fulfill the contract of love we agreed to with the one we loved so long ago that had to become unconditional by necessity of our evolution.
So it's goodbye and bon voyage into the unknown OverSoul for my ex. Aum and blessings on your passage into a far more peaceful existence than you ever knew here.
© Copyright 2009 Robert Wilkinson
Shedding a little tear for you and all of us,
Shanti
Posted by: Morvah | October 07, 2009 at 09:53 AM
I am so sorry for this Robert and feel somewhat selfish for my comments demanding attention to my own matters...may the love you have shared always stay with you both on your separate journeys now...
Marie
Posted by: Marie | October 07, 2009 at 10:04 AM
I have read that our prayers of Love and Peace for a soul that passes into the next realm join with Divine Love/Creation--the power of both gives strength to the soul to pass and find peace. How important that your love continued in some form throughout the years. I hope you find Divine and human comfort now as well.
Blessings and light...
Posted by: Dina | October 07, 2009 at 10:48 AM
Your articles these past few days have been very powerful, Robert. Thank you for sharing with us the intimacy of your experiences; I know it cannot be easy, but you do it anyway. Thank you.
Posted by: Josie | October 07, 2009 at 11:10 AM
PS- it also seems very fitting that your article on love is followed by your article on death; they seem to complement each other well (two of the most important pinnacles of experience we will ever have to go through.)
Posted by: Josie | October 07, 2009 at 11:13 AM
Blessings of love and light for you and your loved ones, Robert
Posted by: AnneTexas | October 07, 2009 at 11:34 AM
Sorry to hear this news, Robert. Please accept my condelences for the loss of your ex. Peace in abundance to you.
Posted by: Mary | October 07, 2009 at 11:45 AM
My heart goes out to you, your loved ones, and the loved ones of your ex. I am quite familiarized with letting go... and wish you all the strength you'll need to get through this loss.
Posted by: Warriorlady | October 07, 2009 at 12:22 PM
My sympathy for your loss (or losses, as this loss brings others back into your heart). Light and love to you and your loved one.
Posted by: Leslee | October 07, 2009 at 12:52 PM
Josie: re: your p.s. - it's absolutely right! Robert is in the zone now more than ever. Forever keenly connected.
Robert: My condolences to you and your ex's loved ones. Thank you for your continued openness.
Much love,
Danielle
Posted by: danielle | October 07, 2009 at 02:50 PM
Wow, a powerful article Robert. And I can certainly relate. My ex isn't dead but you describe the relationship experience very well. We became two different people and are now total strangers to each other, but I wish him only happiness and fulfillment. My sympathies to you on your loss. The times they are a-changing. Peace and blessings to you. :)
Posted by: Valerie | October 07, 2009 at 04:18 PM
Blessings Robert during this time of loss and re-membering.
-=Terry=-
Posted by: Terry | October 07, 2009 at 05:13 PM
What a moving and powerful post Thank you, Robert.
Posted by: Lainie | October 07, 2009 at 05:34 PM
Hi all - While I no longer have the same strong feelings as I did when we did our Spiritual Work in the 70s, I still have strong memories of the woman I shared remarkable experiences with, as a husband and parent of a child and coworker and friend. We had some very extraordinary years together in Austin, sharing everything from holistic health to Willie Nelson. By the time our journey went in different directions, I had experienced my Saturn return and within weeks wound up at the intersection of Hell's Kitchen and 42nd Street. Interesting journey, but pretty weird....
I got over whatever many years ago. Life goes on and all that. I have enormous compassion for our daughter, my adopted step-daughter, who is reeling with the reality. No one should have to endure the meltdown of their parent. Still, having experienced some small degree of the same (without the drama of someone checking out), I am glad I'm here to tell the tale. We get over it, as a result of our determination to live with purpose and some degree of well-being. We live on as a tribute to the love we share with all others. So blessings be to her and all the others who have preceded us, and blessings on all who will outlive us and live to celebrate who we were in their lives. "And we all shine on, like the Moon and the Stars and the Sun, and we all shine on, and on and on and on....."
Posted by: Robert | October 07, 2009 at 05:54 PM
My hearthfelt sympathies Robert, to you, your daughter and stepdaughter. She will bring you even closer now.
Posted by: alessandra | October 07, 2009 at 06:00 PM
may all of you affected, including your ex, feel unconditional love and peacefulness around you and within you. may light surround you especially now during this time. thank you for all the wisdom you share with us! :)
Posted by: earth dreamer | October 07, 2009 at 06:44 PM
Robert -
Deepest condolences to you. I have always felt that once I truly opened my heart to love that that love is eternal, though it's earthly manifestation may change. This touched me deeply at a time of crux and change in matters of the heart on my path. May your path and that of your ex be blessed forevermore. You make a difference, Robert. I'm sure you must've made quite a difference for her, knowing how you effect all of us. Aum.
Diane
Posted by: Diane Scholten | October 07, 2009 at 08:03 PM
This was a beautiful piece of writing,so deep and heartfelt. My prayers for you and ex. Blessings.
Posted by: Gauri | October 07, 2009 at 08:11 PM
I found your piece deeply moving, straight from the heart and profound in wisdom.
My heartfelt prayers for you and your loved ones.
Mani
Posted by: Maneesha | October 07, 2009 at 09:34 PM
Your writing goes straight to the heart, Robert. I wish you and your step-daughter strength, love and wisdom.
Posted by: Dirk | October 08, 2009 at 12:08 AM
Robert, I am very sorry for your loss and that of your stepdaughter, too. I do wish that some people would realize that life is very fragile and sometimes very short. I am glad you had the opportunity to have this love in your life. More importantly, the two of you remained amicable and caring despite the different paths you chose and that is a wonderful gift. It doesn't happen nearly often enough in this world, it seems.
Posted by: BritLitChik | October 08, 2009 at 03:02 AM
Roebrt, I am very sorry for your loss and grateful that you share this in such a real, powerful moving way......you are a blessing each and every day......
Neeta
Posted by: Neeta | October 08, 2009 at 03:22 AM
Hardly have better words to say than all of the above, I reiterate them
.......aum........shanti.......shanti....shanti
Posted by: Sue Moon | October 08, 2009 at 07:08 AM
dearest robert,
my heartfelt condolences to you nd your step daughter. your beautiful wisdom shines in this post and i am grateful for this piece and your generous heart. i hope you are reveling in this beautiful
Autumn, as you explore the depths of your heart's story.
Posted by: shanita | October 08, 2009 at 07:16 AM
You truly write from the heart with a mind that's full of wisdom, my condolences and blessings to you and your family. - Morlokk
Posted by: Morlokk | October 08, 2009 at 09:14 AM
Very human -in the positive sense- reflection, it revels your wisdom that comes from true human condition at heart -not everybody can tell he's truly "human"-. Still having faith in what being human really means for good and not for ill as the trends show a clear imbalance.
Thanks.
Posted by: Henry | October 08, 2009 at 08:06 PM
Robert, blessings and peace to you and yours as you integrate this loss.
Posted by: Siri | October 09, 2009 at 06:19 AM
Your Highness,
I've been surrounded by death and illnesses in the last 4 years...that Jupiter in Pisces has taken us for one hell of a swim, hasn't it, my friend?
I will light a candle.
chickie
Posted by: Chickie | October 09, 2009 at 12:15 PM
Dear, dear Robert!
I can very easily relate to what you tell. Sharing our Love, Life and Children (whether our own, or simply step Children) is a Blessing and a definite tie that binds us to once Companions! How would it be possible not to feel this sense of immense loss? These people have so often been "the better half of ourselves"!
Dear Robert, Daughter and Step Daughter, my Love and prayers are with you and your Ex. May she find ever more Light!
Love wins all - Amor vincit omnia.
Isabel
Posted by: Isabel | October 09, 2009 at 03:11 PM
Grace and love be with you and those whom walked this journey with your beloved friend.
Posted by: kachina | October 10, 2009 at 05:03 AM
Robert,
Hey just read the note about your ex passing away. I feel for you, I know how it feels when a loved one passes away. As I am sure you are aware, my little brother Jeff committed suicied a few years back. It is hard and I miss him. Granted we use to fight like cats and dogs in our younger years, but as we got older we were really becoming closer and closer. You know I would really like to get back in touch with you.
Posted by: Charles Rogers | October 10, 2009 at 06:40 PM
Robert, I just read this and wanted to offer my condolences. Beautiful times will always be golden in our heavenly garden, and good works still provide. Love and Blessings to you - Michael
Posted by: Michael Tyler | October 12, 2009 at 06:37 PM
I am sorry Robert. We are with you. Blessings from Budapest. Kati and Andras
Posted by: Kati | October 15, 2009 at 04:26 AM
Hi All - Thanks once again. Some reflections since I last posted: When life chapters end, new ones begin. Doors close, with new ones that will open at the right time. We remember old friends (two I hadn't heard from in a while checked in on this thread!) and embrace new ones. If "planets are people," then as some people in our lives check out, new ones are waiting for the right time to check in. By our stories we recognize our Brothers and Sisters on the Path. Breathe in, breathe out, again and again, life after life, until we learn to know pure compassion and the bright light of clear consciousness where we are individually unique and all one together.
Posted by: Robert | October 17, 2009 at 07:09 AM