Thoughts On Getting Married When You're Not Sure If They Are the "Right One"

by Robert Wilkinson

Many times I've been asked by clients "How do I know this is the right person to marry?" I discussed astrological compatibility issues yesterday. Today we'll examine other, more human factors.

First, I'll offer some final insights regarding compatibility charts. Often when people ask me for a session to see if they're compatible with someone, what they really want is a blessing on the relationship. They usually want to know that it WILL work out, and would rather not explore elements that could in time break them apart. Unfortunately, we usually split because of the unexamined negatives, not what attracts us initially.

A true compatibility reading will cover strengths and weaknesses, harmonious traits as well as those personality traits that will create friction at some point or another. Both must be examined if we are to get an accurate picture of the factors both people must deal with.

Even these will change over time, so it's not like any "compatibility" is set in stone. In this regard, how each exercises their free will when confronted with major decisions determines whether they'll make it as a couple over the long run.

I believe there are certain questions that must be asked before we give ourselves over to believing we could have a long term relationship with someone. Are they violent? Do they lose their temper inappropriately? Are they selfish? Do they take responsibility for their behavior, or blame externals? Are they affectionate and respectful? Do they take care of their lives, or expect others to take care of them?

I once heard it said that marriage is not for the weak, the jealous, the lazy or the insecure. Obviously, weakness and insecurity will bring down any relationship, since the center will give way quickly when difficulties arise. When a being is lazy, then they cannot be a true equal with anyone else. This creates an imbalance in relations, also a major problem for a marriage, since marriage is archetypally a contract between equals.

Then there's the deadly "sin" of Jealousy. Jealousy is the ultimate deal-breaker for a marriage, or for any relationship. Jealousy is toxic, leads to very bad interactions, and is entirely the problem of the one who is jealous. No one can "make" another be jealous. Either a person is or is not jealous of their own choosing.

That said, it does not bode well for a future or current marriage if one or both flirt with other people or indulge in inappropriate or dysfunctional interpersonal behavior. A heart divided can no more stand than a house divided.

Jealousy is driven by insecurity coupled with possessiveness, and cannot be blamed on any external thing. More than once I refused to marry someone because they were jealous (for no sane reason, I might add!) Jealousy destroys trust, and it can never be "cured" by anyone or anything except the one who is jealous.

Jealousy is a dysfunctional personality disorder that cannot be blamed on any thing or person. Each has the power not to be jealous if they choose not to be jealous. No one gets over jealousy through repression. Getting over jealousy usually manifests as a relief from a personality trait that is toxic and not helpful in any way, shape, or form. It's more like setting down a horrible burden than an intellectual exercise.

Jealousy eats up a person from the inside, and I have seen it literally drive people crazy, to the point of suicide/homicide. Jealousy alone WILL break a marriage. Add violence and/or aggression, and it's a toxic mess.

It doesn't matter what's happened in a person's past. We are entirely responsible for our actions in the present. Simply because we or our beloved had to deal with betrayal from another in the past does not justify suspicion in the present.

Any healthy relationship will have all kinds of friends. Each will have their own friends, and the couple will have friends as well. Each should feel free to have as many friends as suits them, since true friends rarely create tension in healthy relationships. While there may be feelings of concern due to rough patches and misunderstandings, there is no place for jealousy.

Where two hearts are committed without reservation, there can be no jealousy possible. Even to be accused of thinking of another is ridiculous, since hearts that are at peace with one another are not yearning for anyone else. That is the gift of maturity. Even if both have had horrible marriages or relationships in earlier times, where love is true there is no mistrust or suspicion for the love each has for the other in the here and now.

Any healthy individual will need time and space to be in solitude, as well as time and space with loved ones and friends. That is important in any healthy relationship. All Beings feel the need for "freedom" and connectedness. What better way to demonstrate loyalty and affection than to be with someone wholeheartedly while still being the power, love, and wisdom of one's autonomy?

Regardless of outside pressures, we either choose to be autonomous in our relationships or we don't. We choose to continue to learn and grow or we don't. Either we trust each other or we don't. Either we respect each other enough to know that each must find what is best for them or we don't.

Without love, trust, respect, and spontaneous affection there can be no lasting partnership. Either we offer our hearts to each other without controlling demands, or we put doubt and discontent over the blessing of a contented heart.

In my own direct experience, though a couple can be severely tested through very difficult periods, whether in terms of outside seductions or even worse things, they can come through everything more dedicated, more in love, more absolutely clear about the love they have for each other. No external thing can introduce doubt in a relationship where both hearts are secure.

When confronting a lifelong commitment like marriage, many feel fear to some degree or another. It is more common than most would like to admit. What is unacceptable is that one partner could evoke fear in the other - that is NEVER appropriate. The last thing anyone should feel is that their beloved is afraid of them. A true partner is one who can be the other's comfort, strength, support, defender, (and sometimes challenger), always from a loving approach.

Even when one fears, the other would never want them to continue fearing anything. While most of us must get over fearing whatever, we must never give our beloved anything to fear. A marriage should never be built on the fear one has for the other's behavior.

I am a staunch advocate of love and kindness between people, and believe that when two beings suited for each other are ready, nothing can strain the bonds of love they share. Though the way be thorny, rough, difficult, perilous or uncertain, where there is true love there is an eternal bond.

Ultimately, any two people are friends or they are not. It take two to make and keep a friendship. Friendship never wavers in its love, and where there is no friendship, there can be no lasting relationship, regardless of vows and the other human constructed rituals.

That's why I always maintain that we should cultivate the friendship first, and let the romance follow. That gives us the strength of a loving friendship to rely on even when the rest of it gets strange or outer circumstances become difficult. As we cultivate the friendship, our past, any dysfunctional elements of personality, as well as personal baggage are all revealed. Then we see if we are suited for each other.

While we may have a strong attraction to someone, even be with them awhile, but that doesn't mean it's the "right" person who could fulfill our hopes and dreams. Our ideal mate is one who is good to and for us, and we will be good to and for them, a person who will bring out our strengths and call us to become a better person.

Just a few thoughts from my own experiences with many different kinds and levels of relationships and marriages. While attaining the ideal may seem daunting, it's definitely worth the effort!

© Copyright 2009 Robert Wilkinson

Comments

[BritLitChik]

Robert - this is a beautiful post. And find your thoughts coinciding with my own. My best friend and I were just talking about this last night...wondering what we'll be like when we're old, reflecting on our lives from our first meeting when we were very, very young. We laughed a bit about it, then we both sighed heavily. It WILL be wonderful.

[kachina]

Robert,

Thank you! Your articles concerning relationship and compatibility these past days have been a joy to muse upon as I find myself these past months going deeper into what committed relationship is for myself, what I wish to receive(and not), what I am willing to give(and not) and what my duties are within said relationships. Seems Saturn approaching Libra is bringing this forth quickly.

I felt your article above demonstrated balance in relationship, in all things. I cannot say I have had balance within past relationships, nor within myself of course, yet I hope to bring forth my more balanced self into all of my relationships, of which I have very few outstanding after the transits of these past years yet look forward to now expanding my social circles in a much healthier form. :) All is well!

Bright Blessings~kachina

[AceStar]

my relation end today with my girl :)
Life it is

now gonna read this article Dear Robert :)

[Josie]

thank you, robert, for that wonderful article. i check your website daily because i love following up on what you have to say, but this was even more great than usual because i am facing these very issues right now in my relationship. imagine my surprise when i find myself pondering whether my relationship has what it takes, while going to my favorite astrology website and....seeing an article in its entirety about how to know if the two of you have what it takes. i liked it so much i shared it with my friends. have a wonderful day.

[81]

A timely article Robert, especially given the universe is asking each of us to look at human existence in a different way, particularly relationships, be they personal, business, or on a national scale. Great article as usual!!!

[bethincary]

great post Robert..
very true for now...seems to be a very intense period for introspection and Saturnian "getting real" with self about those ideals which are necessary for the individual self and prioritizing things you as an individual can compromise with others on to determine whether it's worth it to give focus and energy to if recieving/or not in return and those that are non-compromising for individuality-like personal space/freedom/respect/understanding/same morals & ethics..
-"protecting ones' boundaries"-as well as opening up to those, whom through self-analysis of ideals that you have/or had to even call "friend" to surround oneslef with the people whom you trust to get the best from and whom bring the best out in self..
-especially true if one is more creative, needs more time to self-for reflection and balance (which I'm sure you must know)..
-need to examine and notice what makes self happy V what makes others happy to both fight for God-given autonomy of self and to live with compromise in real world to find balance..
Sept. is typically a time for cleaing out the closets and getting rid of things that are no longer useful/desired by us--as life constantly is changing and evolving and forces us to do
this. We sometimes hang onto things that we want to fit us--but keep trying and trying to make it fit-only to realize some things just will no longer fit into our own lives..

[bethincary]

Addendum:
I also notice in nature right now--watching all the natural world-"squirrely" behavior now in preparation of foraging for food-marking territories for that basic survival instinct in foraging in prep for winter..
Please be careful when using words like "laziness" as this is an unfair label..Thinking alone, finding balance with emotions, looking for creative insight or wisdom could be percieved by an observers, cleaing or weeding out various things/emotions/thoughts to find new ones-is something seemingly "frowned upon" by societal standards of "action" over introspection.
IMHO people don't do enough actual "thinking" which can appear to be doing nothing-and is a very underappreciated gift one needs to do for self over constant doing, thereby repeating mistakes and NOT learning and evolving the way nature does.

[Warriorlady]

Hi Robert:

Thought provoking article. I've never been a jealous type but have had to deal with loads of jealous types-- not men but women, believe it or not! Some have gone after men I've been interested in... just for the heck of it, I guess, while two have deliberately attempted to stir up trouble in my biggest (and only) love relationship turned marriage.

For me, the best way to have handled this stuff was to either (A) clear these women out of my life or (B) talk about it with my partner or (c) both. I can't tell you how much it sucks to have had a fellow woman spread vicious rumors about me when they've never gotten to know me. It's not the rumors that hurt, but the tormenting act itself that does. It's vile. And I realized that I deserved better "friendships" than that.

I agree that jealousy is an ugly thing as it has such potential to destroy. I've been lucky enough to have a man in my life who hasn't allowed it to destroy us, though. And I've also been lucky enough to handle it all.

Keep up the great work, sir! Love it.

[Mary]

Fantastic! This article forces us to think about the equality in relationships and allows us to see from our partner's perspective too. I like your quotes on fear about anything. As days pass after the marriage, our thoughts become different and we seem to choose the thoughts that are comfortable for the situation rather than for the relationship. And, your words directs us to rethink the values again and thats great for an enduring relationship. I do rethink about my possible mistakes in viewing things or atleast analyse the possibilities, if I were wrong in my views. Thanks as always.

[Warriorlady]

"In my own direct experience, though a couple can be severely tested through very difficult periods, whether in terms of outside seductions or even worse things, they can come through everything more dedicated, more in love, more absolutely clear about the love they have for each other. No external thing can introduce doubt in a relationship where both hearts are secure."

You're darn tootin' :)!

[AnneTexas]

Beautiful post, Robert.

[Rhonda]

Addressing the flirtatious behaviors.... when confronting someone who is actively flirting with one's mate, husband, boyfriend, etc. does it fall under the banner of "jealousy" to react in a possessive manner, if only by instinct?

[Marie]

Hmmmmmm it seems so many people are wanting to sort this stuff out for real right now! I have seen glimpses of it before especially at this time of year but it really seems like it's time to either assert our course or veer off the path altogether...am I right? I can see my own patterns so clearly and the delicate balancing act, speak one's mind or stay calm and quiet and let it run it's course. When to push, when not to it's so crucial now:)))
Thanks for being here now, Robert!

[Marie]

Also...I wonder Robert, could you talk about a marriage where it is not the first for one of the people involved and not the other!!!
I'm sure you have experience of this, on how it should be handled and though jealousy exactly would not be a factor but the conscious awareness of the differences in experience etc...wow even more to think about on this subject!!
(sorry)!
M