To Those Who Grieve the Death of A Loved One

by Robert Wilkinson

If you've been with our gentle community for a while, you know that today is a day of sacred remembrance for me. On January 9, 1988, the death of a loved one thrust me into a hellish grief, leading to a 7 year quest for healing an indescribable pain and suffering and a lifetime of insights into life, death, and unconditional love.

Death is a part of life. We all experience the death of many loved ones over time, if we truly dare to love and feel. Every death brings up some very complicated feelings, and puts us between worlds for awhile. The times we feel the deepest are excellent for getting beyond the superficialities of our world and experiencing the timeless connection we feel with our loved ones.

Each year I use this day for deep reflection and contemplation, since my life was changed forever 22 years ago. My daughter's death forced me to examine many things, including where my head and heart are at on a moment to moment basis. This process has also helped me remember others who have died that I still love, and made me more compassionate with others who grieve the death of a loved one.

Though I'm pretty familiar with walking between worlds, this past year provided me a useful checkup, if it could be called that. In mid-2009, I lost more than a few loved ones from their mid-50s to early 90s in the span of just a few weeks. In each case I went into deep spaces with others who also grieved those losses.

The succession of deaths and saying goodbye to each reminded me of what we all go through each time it happens. Though the pangs of parting be short or long, they still arise when we lose a dear one. Our grief honors the love we share.

It is the pain of parting (at least for awhile) that has to be "healed," since that can bring us out of suffering and separateness into peace, centeredness, connectedness, and love. It definitely helps us sort out our priorities and shows us the way to get beyond distractions.

Deaths are important in another way. In my years-long healing process, I found my "shell of personality" had been cracked open in ways that allowed me to examine other difficult feelings lurking deep within me. In exploring the mishmash of feelings of a lifetime, I began to see what needed to be healed, as well as those feelings we all experience as part of our human condition. Over time this can yield deep forgiveness and compassion if we choose that path.

The period after the death of a loved one can be very disorienting. There are usually conflicting emotions, some degree of frustration (even if the death is expected), and a feeling of being a bit overwhelmed by events that truly are out of our control. Others we must deal with often are not helpful here, especially if they offer inconsiderate or harsh opinions in their own pain and confusion.

When someone extremely close to us dies, if we feel at all, we will usually experience some degree of intense pain, along with asking all kinds of questions that usually can't be answered. Those that can only assuage the mind, not the heart.

Staying centered in the heart is crucial for any genuine healing. The mind tends to distract us from the direct experience of the heart. Learning to express our heart is important in the healing process, since it is our heart that must heal into strength, integrity, and a greater love.

One of the ways I found helpful in dealing with the death of my daughter was to journal, as well as write letters to her. Journaling and writing letters to the deceased seem to help many with the grieving process. Though it didn't start out that way, what I wrote eventually became the book "Love Dad," which offers my story of key elements of the healing journey.

My book "Love Dad" offers my insights into the healing process, common elements in all true healing, how men and women heal similiarly and differently, and rituals that can help facilitate healing. I have been told that many find it useful and comforting, as well as empowering. What I offer there is useful for healing the grief of losing any loved one, whether parent, sibling, child, pet, or any other that we have deeply loved.

For many years I felt extreme pain on this day. Over time and with a lot of loving and breathing and loving and breathing and loving and everything else it took to heal the pain of a lifetime, I learned a strength that allows me to occupy sacred space with others in timeless zones between worlds.

Each has their own ways to grieve and heal. While I can only offer you what I found on my journey, I can absolutely state that the excruciating pain has long since subsided, and I have found strength, courage, compassion, and a timeless loving connectedness with All-That-Is.

So today is my day of deep contemplation of what was and is. As I once wrote to another who lost her son,

"So many people grieving, so many lost in pain, so many walking wounded, nevermore the same. But we do find that 'love is stronger than death,' and find our way back to life if only we walk the walk." May all of you reading these words be present in this Sacred moment and heal whatever you have to heal. My heartfelt blessings on your efforts. Aum.

If you want to explore more about the grieving and healing process, please visit my previous articles. Each one covers different elements and approaches to healing our grief. And of course, give yourself some space and time, since they will bring up some very deep feelings.

From 2006, Love, Dad - Bereavement, Grief, and Healing After A Significant Death

From 2007, Coping With Loss and the Grief That Honors A Love.

From 2008, For Those Who Grieve the Loss of A Child

From 2009, Death, Loss, Grief and Bereavement - Honoring the Sacred Moment

Happy 22nd Birthday, Blyth. You've changed my life and countless other lives forever. Thank you for making me a better man. Love, Dad.

If you want to order a paperback copy of the book I wrote about my ordeal and path back to a loving, fulfilled life, you can find it at Love, Dad - Healing the Grief of Losing A Stillborn. (Just make sure the subtitle says “stillborn” rather than “child,” since this second edition clarifies this work was written as a result of a full term birth loss and updates all the global numbers related to pregnancy and infant loss.

© Copyright 2010 Robert Wilkinson

Comments

[Annette]

Your writing is very beautiful and moving. My thoughts are with you.

[Alix]

Dear Robert,

I had been contending for several years with the serious problems my mum was causing knowing all too well she needed to be committed, but didn't have the family's support to do so, in 2003 I've wanted her to go through an evalutation for Alzheimers but she refused, again no one was on my side. Things only deteriorated year after year, until this last year (2009) people finally had to agree with me that it was no longer possible for her to cope on her own. Still, the dirty job of choosing a clinique/care home, having her committed, flying there to get everything set up, empty her home and put it up for letting, get rid of her belongings, and last but not least, which is part of the whole process of having someone committed: deprive her forever of all her civil rights, all of that was all left to me to do it on my own. I knew it that she was gravely ill, but having to do that, with as much cold blood as I could possibly gather, still felt like I was burrying her alive. In that sense I realised how much of a Saturn I had to be, the one now with all the authority to so to speak castrate a parent who had gone completely insane. Her state has been declining so quickly, she no longer makes any sense of what she say, that by now I know she's gone to the other side, I mean she's no longer here amongst the living, and hasn't actually been for quite a while already. The fact that she still inhabits a body doesn't absolutely mean she's here, in this dimension. And that was the last chapter of my Pluto over Moon experience, it first started with letting go of everything that was decaying, a whole world and structure that once meant security in my life, I even lost a beloved pet, left the country, cut the umbelical cord with my daughter, lost my grandma who was in fact my role model in this life, having had my mum committed was the cherry on top of the cake... all those necessary losses... my lunar functions don't seem to have yet healed from all this.

[Siri]

January 10 is just such a day for me, my father's death. His dreadful illness was discovered as transiting Pluto conjuncted my natal 4th house Pluto, and he died 1-1/2 years later as transiting Pluto conjuncted my 4th house natal Sun. As you might imagine, this was devastating for me on many levels, though the years have brought much healing and understanding. Thank you for sharing of your own pain and losses with us. My deepest sympathy and encouragement to you.

[Valerie]

Dear Robert, everything you list above about going through the experience of death of a loved one applies to me, especially the disoriented part. During the last year you helped me a great deal on other streams, in healing from the losses of my mother and sister, and I thank you for that. I commend you for your empathy and great wisdom. And my heart goes out to you today on this special anniversary. Blessings to you and your family... Namaste :)

[Lainie]

Robert, you've taken terrible loss and suffering and turned it into gold for all those that you help and guide. thank you so much. And I am truly sorry for your loss.

[tolly]

Dearest Robert,

My heart is with you on this day.

A year ago this month my husband died, only in his 40s and alone in a hotel room in a foreign country. A good friend lost his son to a motorcycle accident a few months ago. His son was a newly minted adult, a wonderful young man, who was hit by a car going against a red light, driven by an 18 year old who was supposed to have his driving privileges revoked only a week before for being on drugs while driving.

The circumstances, the stories are compelling, for a while. But beneath all of it is the choice to let the pain and awe of death shrink our hearts or break our hearts wide open so that our hearts may grow large enough to hold the pain if deep loss and the naked awe of death.

I'm printing out your article for my friend. He and his wife are doing admirably, both are great givers and wise people in their community and have much support, as well as a long established spiritual practice. But part of the path of grieving such a loss is solitary, deep and painful. I see it and feel it all around them. I know they will turn this into an even deeper heart strength eventually, but I dearly wish it had never happened to them.

My heartfelt consolation to those who are grieving. And much thanks to you, Robert, for choosing the path of growth, service and sharing. We are all well nourished by it.

[Matt]

Robert - Thank you for sharing yourself with us every day but particularly on this day every year. Thank you for showing us how to dance during life's more difficult numbers. Aum & Infinite Blessings to you.

[Morvah]

Aum Shanti my friend, Peace be with you.

[bethincary]

My heartfelt blessings for your pain,growth and expanding wisdom and insight into yourself that you give to us here Robert..

Thanks for sharing about your book-glad you mentioned it..
Had a friend who lost a young son due to a motorcycle accident who had a hard time dealing with it--so I bought her several books: Jimmy Carter has one--can't recall the others...
She was extrmely grateful for it--though I felt almost cruel or unemotional giving them to her so soon..
She told me she'd gone out and bought as many books as she could after reading the ones I'd given her--cause she was having such a hard time/was overwhelmed by her gief and figuring out her own emotions and could not really put into words either....
Anyhoo..good to know for future unforeseeable events for friends..

[WarriorLady]

Hi Robert. I wish you lots of love and comfort (and hugs) at this time. I tell you, the hugs help so much.

I lost my younger brother, E, in 2004 to Cancer (unbeknownst to us-- we never knew he had it). He was twenty-two. E battled a long-time drug addiction at the time, but, underneath it all, an immense heart. I cared for him like a son in a way since our mother was ill from the time we were children until she passed on the same year (2004, just 7 months before E did). Our dad wasn't really "there" which made growing up in that household so difficult.

Ups and downs. It's been five years, so E's death is easier to talk about and I experience more ups than downs. But it also took me five years to really open up about him, really discuss what happened in that house, really face all of it because... Well, who wants to resurrect or recollect the bad stuff, right?

The best thing I remember about him, besides his heart, was his sense of humor. We each have a good, wacky one, and I guess that is what keeps me going...

Peace.

[Wendy]

Hi Robert,
I've lost just about everything in this life. I've known/know grief. But never was I able to grasp it. I've been living in that "tween' place.
But you! You take the endless confusion and turmoil and put it into print like no other!! Grief swirls around my Being like a hurricane, your articles are the eye in this hurricane. Now I understand more and can make it thru the spiral torrent. I'll never be all the way back, I don't like this plane of existence anymore. But you've inspired me through your honesty to think about ways of helping. After all is said and done that's the only thing left to do on this planet.
It's sad here how someones loss is anothers gain........

I'm sorry for your loss.

Lots of love and so much appreciation,
Wendy
Wendy

[solli]

Peace to your heart Robert, on this day and always. May you know that the source of love is forever constant and our dearest departed have been embraced and infused by the resonating, joyous, harmonic fullness of Love.

[Laura]

Dear Robert,
Ah, yes, the inbreath and the outbreath. Birth and death. I too have experienced the wonderous moments of each. And believed that I understood death until the quick and unforseen death of my daughter in 2001. She was 28, had just completed a four year degree after getting herself back ontrack after years of emotional drama (including single motherhood)....When the police came to my door at 11 PM and told me they had serious news, a car accident. She died instantly. My world, as I knew it, blew apart into a million pieces. Nothing made sense anymore. I didn't want to live. But there was a child to raise and nurture. And I made a decision to honor this child's life (my grandchild) and raise this child to adulthood with love and devotion.
Thankfully, my choice to devote my life energy to the service of another has made all the differnce in my own healing. It could not have been otherwise.

Much love and light to you, Robert. Your willingness to share your journey is a balm to those of us who endeavor to live in peace, love, and courage!

[chickie]

One lavender scentd candle lit for Your Highness's Bambina!!

[Heather]

I think of you every year on this day and always with the hope that your pain is less and less with each passing year. As your words seem to indicate, you are very much in touch with how best to honor Blyth... by sharing your journey with all those fortunate enough to hear/see/read you. Thank you for all your wise and wonderful insights into the grieving process, they are immensely helpful and very validating for anyone who finds themselves on this confusing path that eventually turns into healing. I send blessings your way on this day especially and wish you peace, love, and joy the whole year long.

[AnneTexas]

Thank you, Robert. Blessings on your journey of healing.

[Sue Moon]

Too much to bear sometimes, but as always, your wisdom helps move away from pain and into deeper understanding. Peace

[BrightStar]

Such the man you are...and giving peace to many others each day through your warm and deeply profound discoveries. The painful journey for you has opened your heart wider than ever imaginable...and we are Blessed to share in that glow! Thank you....

[Diana]

God bless you for being such a loving wonderful father and know that you daughter knows this and loves you from the deapths of her soul as she will always be with you. What a blessing it is/was for
to be feeling the love you feel. She was here to help
you so you could become the person you are today.
You have so much to offer, so much love inside. One day you will understand why this happened and look back in love and grace.
You are a very special man.
I feel like this is a message for you, brings tears to my eyes.
Much love,
Diana

[Robert]

Hi all - Thanks for all your condolences and very kind words. I am glad my ability to articulate my experience can help others however it may happen. Even if one of us helps another through a dark night, we are all blessed by that ability to "pay it forward." That's why I encourage all who come here to go as deep as needed to find the strength and integrity of their experiences, since in sharing our stories we come to understand our common humanity.

This year the meditation felt different than other years, more peaceful and centered in a timeless powerful love and connection. I am glad so many of you found these words useful/comforting/beautiful. I do appreciate those who check in, since we're all in the position of sharing what we experience with others in ways that help all to feel more connected.

It's very difficult to do what we must when confronted with a necessary life choice, or the forced ending of a chapter whether we want to or not. All endings are losses of sorts; the trick is to see them in a broader context of learning unconditional love and strength of purpose.

Of course, all hard lessons and choices are ruled by Saturn. It's the part of us that shows us how to "grow up," or mature into our Divine Estate. Again, Saturn's duality of "dominion" and "slavery" say it all. It can help us grow into the responsibilities perfect for us at whatever stage of life and awareness we've come to.

Each loss helps us remember to love ourselves and our process of dealing with past and present losses. After enough loss, we can begin to see larger patterns offering us chances to be compassionate and gentle with ourselves and others. There is life after death, if only we know how to prepare and wait for the Spring that inevitably follows Winter.

Holding the tension of grieving the death of a loved one is difficult, sometimes more than others, but with intention and a willingness to do whatever it takes, we can be a beacon of light, life, and love for those who follow on the same path of sorrows. Since we have all had to deal with loss, that offers each of us the chance to be that light in the darkness of the hell of death.

Staying connected to the source of love and life helps, since the more we practice that the more we find the perfect equilibrium of a timeless "Is-ness" with all that is visible and invisible. Though it can be difficult, and it does take some time and practice, eventually we can find a state of Being beyond the changes, suffering, and turmoil. And that's not a bad way to live.

To echo the sentiment, much love to you all, and all you know who have had to endure the pain of parting. Love is stronger than death.

[Isabel Nobre]

Dear Robert,

Even though my time overfilled with work does not always leave me free to come here and comment, I come regularly to read, enjoy and feel thankful for all the wisdom and astrological skills you always share freely with us.

Today, I had to take the extra time to write to you, feeling deeply your pain as if my own - and yet, no pain con ever equate the loss of a son or daughter or of a twin soul.

I have had a close connection with death ever since I was a child. Being brought up by spiritual Parents introduced me early to the fact and spirit that "death is but a part of Life" - like being born in reverse, and at 12 my Grandpa's death(which I announced to my Mother after a premonitory dream a few days before it happened) prepared me for the death of my own DAD, when I was 15 - if ever anything can prepare us for that type of pain!

My heart goes out to you this day, and always, for all you have been through, BUT MORE SO FOR ALL YOU HAVE TRANSMUTED and which allows you to come and GIVE OF YOURSELF so fully to all of us! THANK YOU!

Now my Mother, who is 87, has started her own process of departure, a slow one albeit. She has circulatory problems in her legs and gets these wounds that I treat. They get healed and after some time, new ones appear... Astrologically, she has overcome her Uranus return, is on her way to her third Saturn return,has overcome her Neptune opposition and her Pluto opposition and has now Mars opposed her natal Mars (with current Mars in the eighth house. I am not expecting too much.

Your words of wisdom really help!

Bless you.

Isabel

[Parenting Magazine]

Death is something we can't avoid. We can just delay it, but we will experience it no matter what happen. Let us live our life to the fullest as we can.

[Susan]

Coming into this conversation a little late, but wanted to send blessings and deep comforts your way, and to share a little about my similar story. January 6, 1988 (Epiphany) was the day our son died, and what a journey we began as a family on that day. Finding peace and acceptance took a lot of work and tears and beating on pillows and screaming until my throat ached. Coming back to God was really hard, but my faith was stronger than ever, once I was able to forgive. I still miss him, and feel gratitude each day for the gift that he was and is in my life.

With fondest wishes to you, and heartfelt thanks for the beautifully written articles you share with us here.

Susan

[Robert]

Hi Isabel - I hope you know that all are free to come as often as they can, and there are no attitudes if the members of this community have to take care of themselves and their personal business. My condolences on the loss of your father. Your mother's trials are a great opportunity for you to enter into a deeper relationship with her and your timeless bond.

Hi Parenting Magazine - Well, yes. What else is there to do?

Hi Susan - Late? In a timeless forum?;-) Thanks for your blessings, and my sincere condolences on the death of your son. Always too fast, too soon, and too intense. The journey out of being shipwrecked in hell to a measure of peace and joy is quite a trip indeed! Truly, it involves "whatever it takes," which sometimes is just breathing and loving and breathing and loving and breathing and.... Thanks for your wishes and blessings, and may you also be given the opportunity to create hope and strength in the lives you touch.