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« What Is Our Soul Group and How To Forgive Abusive People - Pt. 1 | Main | How We Can Best Deal With The Global Strangeness of The Grand Irrationality in 2010-2011-2012-2013 »



As one subjected to many forms of abuse from childhood and through my early adult years(for I simply replaced one abuser for another),and as one whom has also spent many years seeking to heal from the wounds of said abuse, I am sincerely thankful that you have offered such wise counsel. The biggest obstacle to my personal 'healing' was one of my acceptance of teachings that led to my perception that I had in some way "agreed" to be abused..a true martyr mentality and one that IMO cannot cross the threshold into the quickly forthcoming age hence so many of us now striving to be free of all forms of Victim mentalities.
I hope your wisdom shall reach those that need that little extra 'something' to step up and claim their inherent right to an existence free of abuse.

Beth in San Diego

Thank you Robert for addressing this most important subject and allowing me to make this post. Pattern behavior is very hard to break, however, if we are co-dependent we do have the ability to self-reflect and change our behavior unlike unhealthy narcissists who do not have this ability. Narcissistic pattern behavior is considered by experts to be near impossible to change as the behavior is embedded in the personality. If you cannot self-reflect you cannot analyze your behavior and correct or modify it. While unhealthy narcissism displays itself on a sliding scale, the traits remain the same: arrogant, selfish, lacking empathy, having strong feelings of entitlement, lacking in conscience, having a grandiose false-ego, manipulates others through covert or overt control tactics often resulting in abuse to get what they want; they crave attention whether positive or notorious; and need to be dominant in social settings of all types. Unhealthy narcissists suffer from poor parenting, mainly from an unhealthy narcissistic parent. Some children become co-dependent learning that it is better to please the parent than become like the parent to gain approval(love) which is erroneous but done to survive. It tends to be generational and also cultural. Their lack of empathy is due to their inability to recognize otherness. This internal blindness gives license to abuse others as they feel little guilt in doing so. They have not learned how to develop or deal with shame. It is important to understand the nature of abuse to help free us from the guilt that somehow we deserved it -- that is what is called the abuser's script in our head. The abuser wants others to feel less-than so they may feel superior-to; it is all about a maladapted personality needing attention and asserting dominance to support their grandiose false-self. We must release this energy, turn away from this type person, and tend to our higher authentic Self; there is no judgment, just awareness of being. Forgiveness clears the path. I suggest Erich Fromm's, To Have or To Be and The Art of Being.


Dearest Robert, Thank you for your articles. You inspired me to write a poem. It came to me on my morning walk.

No more crying,
No more tears,
Release the suffering from the years,
Rrom the lifetimes
Gathered round the Sun/Son,
They clamor back
To be One,
Perception is restored.


This seemed like such an unlikely place to find it, but I have found some of the most helpful articles on abuse and abusers here. Thanks again for so much insight.

Beth in San Diego--I am so, so glad that someone is finally speaking out and saying that all this psych-babble about how victims of abusers have somehow asked for it. No. Actually, we haven't. It's all part of the abusers script like you have noted above. How often does an abuser say, "Well, she made me do it. If she wasn't so ______ . . . ?" Answer: Just about any time they are called on the carpet for their bad behavior, they blame their victim.

So why do even some of the most "enlightened" therapists, etc, still continue to blame the victims? They do it all the time. Yes, I made him mistreat me. I asked for it by being too compromising, too forgiving, too willing to try again. That is nothing but keeping a commitment; it's not asking to be abused or hurt.

And Beth, you could not be more right on what makes a narcissist a narcissist. Any time someone expects a narcissist to change or to learn from an experience or to feel any true remorse for harming another, you'll more than likely be disappointed. Does that make it the fault of the victim of the abuse? No. Why would it? They're using "normal" minds to try to relate to an abnormal mind.

I can say this--it has taken me almost twenty years to figure out that so much of it was an act. Even the facial expressions carefully chosen to elicit sympathy on my part. It worked. It almost still does, until I catch myself--"Oh, there it is again. What will happen tomorrow?" And sure enough, the claws are back out.

Seems pretty simple to me, and I'm awfully glad to see Beth's comments on this volatile topic.

Robert's comments about remembering our suffering causing us to suffer are also very good. Detachment is really the only way to deal with this. Now, every time I imagine myself having "one last conversation" with him, I cut myself off: NO! It's never going to happen. I do not need to explain myself, and I won't bother. Onward. Life calls. Healthy friendships call. Real love calls. No more.

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