What Is Our Soul Group and How To Forgive Abusive People - Pt. 2

by Robert Wilkinson

In Part 1 we explored some ideas about Soul groups, and whether an abusive family member could be a part of that group. Today we'll continue to probe the subject of just how much choice we have regarding who we are with, what we do and do not have to accept, and how to break the link between pain and suffering.

Even if you've already read part one, you may want to re-read it before continuing with this one, since these two were composed as one piece. I realized together they were too long for a single post, and that's the only reason I split them in two.

Are We Getting Closer or More Distant?

Our journey to ever-greater Self-realization is eternal. We find our existence in many frequencies of energy, some more material than others. Any time pure Higher Consciousness moves into dealing with forms in a dual reality, we make choices. In our lives, we make choices that lead to higher awareness, or into loss of the Eternal in the impermanent forms stimulating lower desires and thoughts.

As Radiant Magnetic Eternal Beings, our choices when we're here determine who we're going to be close to in the future, or who we move away from. This is definitely influenced by the choices others make as they interact with us and others.

This is why habits in action, feeling, and thought are so important. As habits are formed, for good or ill, we set up patterns of future activity. By their habits human beings either move into their Higher Self, or get lost in unfortunate behaviors that will inevitably lead to regret once the curtain of ignorance is torn down. Knowing and mastering the desire mind is the key to understanding how to choose wisely.

Forgiving the Sources of Abuse

When people in a family abuse each other by whatever means, or when we are abused by one who we thought was our friend, it arises from the choice of the abuser to externalize that behavior. While I agree that we must come to true peace and forgiveness toward those who have abused us, it does not make it right that it happened to begin with, nor does it mean we should believe it taught us much of anything. We do not have to go to jail to know we don't need to be there.

We are here to learn what is venerable, what is worthy, what evokes our highest ideas and feelings and actions. Abuse does not further these. While I agree we're all learning to come to a measure of peace and forgiveness in our lives, we can learn these best through beneficial interactions. And we can come to peace and forgiveness easier in the face of inadvertent well-meant misguided behavior than those things which were not necessary to begin with.

We are here to learn how to forgive consciously those things we suffer as a result of karma. But karma is not linear in the sense that an abused person may have abused others in previous times. Karma is created, perpetuated, or destroyed by a being's choices. An abuser is under no law to perpetuate abuse in any given moment.

That's why regarding abuse, I believe true forgiveness can only arise once the abusive behavior stops. As long as the abuse continues, then what is there to forgive? At that point the lesson is not to allow kindness and compassion to be taken for weakness.

Lost in Darkness or Lost in Love?

All personalities must advance to craft a Higher Self so the light, love, and intelligence of the Soul can shine forth. Some beings choose to ignore the task, and stay lost in destructive behavior. Due to that divergence of spiritual goal-fitness, some beings are no longer part of our Soul group once this time on Earth is done.

I don't believe a Soul has much work to do except love. That's eternal. It's not the Soul that "moves up." It's the personality. And that is entirely within our power, and the only game in town. Those who willfully do not rise to the lessons of becoming better people than they were in the past are indulging in an illusion. This is a form of "spiritual juvenile delinquency" in its worst form, since the being knows better, but refuses to grow.

So to say a being is not "at fault," for their bad behavior, or that they "can't help it," is also an illusion. A being's choices are entirely up to them. It's one thing when a being is ignorant, but willing to learn. Deliberately hurtful behavior is another things entirely.

When a being deliberately chooses to be hurtful instead of helpful, dishonest instead of honest, cowardly instead of courageous, irresolute instead of self disciplined, and abusive rather than loving, they are on a path of self-loss in that which has no permanence. This is not necessary for anyone's Soul recognition, and contrary to their task of Soul-personality development.

If we are the recipient of abuse, it's not our fault they chose that behavior. But it is our task to recognize abuse and stop it whenever and wherever it rears its ugly head. Abuse is not helpful to our development, and withers the Soul-personality connection. Some human behaviors must be stopped forever if the race is to evolve into its higher potential.

To reiterate an important point. While we can find love and forgiveness toward those who have abused us, that's not to excuse the abuse, or say it was necessary to begin with. Perhaps a Gandhi arises from an abusive situation once in a great while, but again, how many Gandhis could arise if given better circumstances in which to unveil that potential?

Lessons To Learn As We Remember Who We Want To Dance With

I do believe we need to come to a dispassionate view of those who have abused us so we can find geniune compassion for the common abuses done to others. I also believe we need to come to a radical detachment from negative judgments, the suffering over memories of suffering, as well as reject the illusion that we have somehow invited those who have abused us to do so in order to learn some supposed "spiritual" lesson.

Perhaps the only lesson is that abuse is not helpful for anything in any useful sense. We do not need abuse to learn discrimination that helps us come to know what is real and what is unreal, what is darkness and what is light, what is death and what is immortality.

All that said, since it seems that the last World Teacher suffered abuse, both when He walked as well as the abuse done in His name in the centuries since His passing, perhaps dealing with abuse and abusers may have been part of the global lesson for many generations. However, while we can come to much compassion through breaking the link between pain and suffering, even that is not the ultimate ideal, and it doesn't mean it's a part of the future teaching. There are certainly more "spiritual" ways to be than the past and present abusive patterns humanity has demonstrated up to now.

It's always good to view others as Soul-Beings learning what they're learning. It's always good to stop abuse, as well as forgive the abuse done to us, whether deliberately or inadvertently. And it's always good to be with others who love us, venerate what is venerable, with whom we can find joy, celebration, connectedness, and community.

That's our true Soul group. And each volunteers for that, every day, every year, every lifetime.

Copyright © 2010 Robert Wilkinson

(As I mentioned in part one, this topic may bring up some intense feelings, so be gentle and kind with yourselves as you move through very deep and ancient waters. And as always, please be careful what you post in the comment stream, as it will find its way to google. This is a sensitive subject for many, and so some degree of discretion may be in order.)

Comments

[Kachina]

As one subjected to many forms of abuse from childhood and through my early adult years(for I simply replaced one abuser for another),and as one whom has also spent many years seeking to heal from the wounds of said abuse, I am sincerely thankful that you have offered such wise counsel. The biggest obstacle to my personal 'healing' was one of my acceptance of teachings that led to my perception that I had in some way "agreed" to be abused..a true martyr mentality and one that IMO cannot cross the threshold into the quickly forthcoming age hence so many of us now striving to be free of all forms of Victim mentalities.
I hope your wisdom shall reach those that need that little extra 'something' to step up and claim their inherent right to an existence free of abuse.

[Beth in San Diego]

Thank you Robert for addressing this most important subject and allowing me to make this post. Pattern behavior is very hard to break, however, if we are co-dependent we do have the ability to self-reflect and change our behavior unlike unhealthy narcissists who do not have this ability. Narcissistic pattern behavior is considered by experts to be near impossible to change as the behavior is embedded in the personality. If you cannot self-reflect you cannot analyze your behavior and correct or modify it. While unhealthy narcissism displays itself on a sliding scale, the traits remain the same: arrogant, selfish, lacking empathy, having strong feelings of entitlement, lacking in conscience, having a grandiose false-ego, manipulates others through covert or overt control tactics often resulting in abuse to get what they want; they crave attention whether positive or notorious; and need to be dominant in social settings of all types. Unhealthy narcissists suffer from poor parenting, mainly from an unhealthy narcissistic parent. Some children become co-dependent learning that it is better to please the parent than become like the parent to gain approval(love) which is erroneous but done to survive. It tends to be generational and also cultural. Their lack of empathy is due to their inability to recognize otherness. This internal blindness gives license to abuse others as they feel little guilt in doing so. They have not learned how to develop or deal with shame. It is important to understand the nature of abuse to help free us from the guilt that somehow we deserved it -- that is what is called the abuser's script in our head. The abuser wants others to feel less-than so they may feel superior-to; it is all about a maladapted personality needing attention and asserting dominance to support their grandiose false-self. We must release this energy, turn away from this type person, and tend to our higher authentic Self; there is no judgment, just awareness of being. Forgiveness clears the path. I suggest Erich Fromm's, To Have or To Be and The Art of Being.

[Sandy]

Dearest Robert, Thank you for your articles. You inspired me to write a poem. It came to me on my morning walk.

No more crying,
No more tears,
Release the suffering from the years,
Rrom the lifetimes
Gathered round the Sun/Son,
They clamor back
To be One,
Perception is restored.

[kelly]

This seemed like such an unlikely place to find it, but I have found some of the most helpful articles on abuse and abusers here. Thanks again for so much insight.

Beth in San Diego--I am so, so glad that someone is finally speaking out and saying that all this psych-babble about how victims of abusers have somehow asked for it. No. Actually, we haven't. It's all part of the abusers script like you have noted above. How often does an abuser say, "Well, she made me do it. If she wasn't so ______ . . . ?" Answer: Just about any time they are called on the carpet for their bad behavior, they blame their victim.

So why do even some of the most "enlightened" therapists, etc, still continue to blame the victims? They do it all the time. Yes, I made him mistreat me. I asked for it by being too compromising, too forgiving, too willing to try again. That is nothing but keeping a commitment; it's not asking to be abused or hurt.

And Beth, you could not be more right on what makes a narcissist a narcissist. Any time someone expects a narcissist to change or to learn from an experience or to feel any true remorse for harming another, you'll more than likely be disappointed. Does that make it the fault of the victim of the abuse? No. Why would it? They're using "normal" minds to try to relate to an abnormal mind.

I can say this--it has taken me almost twenty years to figure out that so much of it was an act. Even the facial expressions carefully chosen to elicit sympathy on my part. It worked. It almost still does, until I catch myself--"Oh, there it is again. What will happen tomorrow?" And sure enough, the claws are back out.

Seems pretty simple to me, and I'm awfully glad to see Beth's comments on this volatile topic.

Robert's comments about remembering our suffering causing us to suffer are also very good. Detachment is really the only way to deal with this. Now, every time I imagine myself having "one last conversation" with him, I cut myself off: NO! It's never going to happen. I do not need to explain myself, and I won't bother. Onward. Life calls. Healthy friendships call. Real love calls. No more.