Death is A Fact of Life, And Love is Stronger Than Death

by Robert Wilkinson

Today is one of the most sacred days of my year. On January 9, 1988, I learned just how precious life is. Up to that point I had known the deaths of many of my friends as well as family elders, but I had never known Earth shaking, gut wrenching feelings like I knew then.

I suppose death is somewhat of an abstraction until it stares you in the face and hits your head and heart over and over until you wonder if you're in some kind of hellish dream. Usually we don't pay much attention to death until we have to face it "up close and personal." And yet it's all around us, every day we live.

Every one of us will die. Every one we love will die. While I lost many friends (itself a mindbender and heart wrencher) at way too young an age, I didn't choose to face the profound feelings around death and the importance of learning how to grieve in healthy ways until 23 years ago today.

That singular event led me through the valley of the Shadow and into deep grief like I had never known. Those of you who want to understand the process and signposts of this universally known "Twilight Zone" may want to get a copy of my book, "Love Dad." In it I share the profoundly sorrowful journey that led me to where I'm at, as well as healthy ways to grieve and how to help those who are in deep grief as a result of the loss of a loved one.

Though facing death can be fearsome and painful, it's necessary if we're to live a full life, unafraid of whenever our final moment will be. Many try to avoid remembering that tomorrow is never a given, and so pursue imaginings that someday will come to an abrupt halt. The only way to live a truly full life is to be unafraid of what tomorrow will or won't bring.

Recent events in our world make me wonder about the Souls of quite a few humans. I've read of killings near and far, and the glee and celebration that the killers meet from those who also feel they did a good thing in killing another. It seems like many feel that killing is okay, as long as it serves their limited selfish ends.

This "love of death" (thanatophilia) has stalked many throughout the ages, but it still makes me profoundly sad that anyone could celebrate the killing of another. That's because I've lost so many in so many ways that I know the profound sense of the preciousness of life. I do wish I had the ability to call up some of those who are gone. I'm sure they'd have some interesting insights we could all learn from.

All life shows us our own life. The stones, plants, animals, and humans we love in our life are a part of our existence. Sometimes we have a chance to say goodbye when they're still here, other times we don't. This has taught me to appreciate each moment I have with my loved ones, since sooner or later one of us will leave. This helped me to realize that death is not the enemy, since we all must confront it someday.

When we confront the death of a loved one, or one who is about to die, our task is to be as unconditionally loving as we can be as they turn from life in this world to Life Eternal. The love we share is forever, on the level of unconditional Love. That love, and all the love that can be mustered on behalf of the dying or dead, helps them prepare for and make the transition.

We can help those who are about to die by being as loving and kind as we can be as they move into the transition. I have found they are comforted (to the degree anyone dying can be comforted) by being reminded of the love that's all around, as well as the love waiting for them "on the other side."

Since hearing and touch are the last senses to go, then things like holding them, brushing their hair, talking to them about the love you've shared and will always share is often soothing, since approaching death does bring up a lot of uncertainty to their minds. That's why we appeal to their hearts.

Regardless of whether we're blessed to assist the physical transition or blessed to know that a loved one has died, our prayers and meditations make more of a difference than we imagine. When we pray or meditate from a place of greater Love, it helps those who leave the body to move through the various frequencies of "the Bardo" into the frequencies of "the heaven world" in perfect harmony within the greater field of Love/Light/Life that is the eternal state of things.

I find that grief is both expressed and soothed by meditating on, and sending to the deceased, the greater unconditional love that we and our loved ones all share together and have "forever." When we surround them with Angels/Devas it makes their transition easier.

I've written several articles on Jan 9 in recent years where I discuss various elements of death, loss, and healthy vs. unhealthy grief. You may want to re-visit them to get a deeper sense of the importance of knowing what healthy grief might look like, since sooner or later we all confront the need to grieve the death of a loved one.

I can also say that as we move through the process of learning how to grieve in healthy ways, we become stronger in our love, clarity, and ability to know what's important and what isn't. We never quite "heal" in the usual sense, but we do learn to live with the wound and use the power of that wound to serve the greater Love we're here to give and receive.

I'll close today by offering you one great big Truth: The price of love is grief, since where there is love between two beings, one must die first. My blessings to all who grieve the death of a loved one. Love is stronger than death.

* * * * * * * * *

If you want to order a paperback copy of the book I wrote about my ordeal and path back to a loving, fulfilled life, you can find it at Love, Dad: Healing the Grief of Losing a Stillborn. (Just make sure the subtitle says “stillborn” rather than “child,” since this second edition clarifies this work was written as a result of a full term birth loss and updates all the global numbers related to pregnancy and infant loss.) Though it was written as a result of the death of a full term stillborn, what is explored in the work are ways to move through grieving any loss of any loved one, whether child, parent, sibling, pet, friend, or any other. It can also help you understand what the bereaved are going through, and perhaps help you to be a more compassionate caregiver, if that's your privilege.

If you want to explore more about the grieving and healing process, please visit my previous articles. Each one covers different elements and approaches to healing our grief. And of course, give yourself some space and time, since they will bring up some very deep feelings.

From 2006, Love, Dad - Bereavement, Grief, and Healing After A Significant Death

From 2007, Coping With Loss and the Grief That Honors A Love.

From 2008, For Those Who Grieve the Loss of A Child

From 2009, Death, Loss, Grief and Bereavement - Honoring the Sacred Moment

From 2010, To Those Who Grieve the Death of A Loved One

Happy 23rd birthday, Blyth. You've changed my life and countless other lives forever. Thank you for making me a better man. Love, Dad.

© Copyright 2011 Robert Wilkinson

Comments

[Lainie]

Thank you, Robert, for all you do, and for all you've courageously shared with your readers. Wishing you only kindness and love in your world today.

[Jorge Torres]

ThankYou Robert Wilkinson !!!

Blessings !!!

[caliban]

thanatophilia . . . I find that very odd, a head bender, but on some level it makes some sort of weird sense, all things considered. Simplifies and relieves. I needed that.

[H]

Loveing thoughts for us & ours in other realms, Thanks Robert for helping & supporting.

[Elizabeth]

I lost a brother to suicide in 1994, but not even that can compare with your experience as a father, Robert. Your journey has been remarkable and inspiring. Thank you for sharing once again on this sacred anniversary.

[Jean]

Thanks Robert,
I too have lost and grieved several dear ones over the years (who has not?), two I thought I would not recover from. Your article reminded me of one of the teachings of The Awakened One and the Parable Of The Mustard Seed (Buddhist) . Knock on any door and death has been there. A heartfelt reminder of the transitory nature of life and how precious it is. Your article also makes another important point of the contrast that death gives us all if we can but see it, but most of us do not or choose not to-it appears to threaten everything. I wish you peace of mind and heart on this the anniversary of the passing of a dear one.
Namaste
Jean

[Warriorlady]

I lost my mother (due to long-term illness) and my younger brother (suddenly, and to Cancer) whom I'd raised, within 7 months of each other in 2004.

In a matter of days, I will be losing my uncle (who has been a father to me pretty much) to painful Pancreatic carcinoma. He's receiving strong dosages of pain killers every two hours to make his transition as comfortable as possible...

I've seen and felt an overwhelming amount of death (natural, suicidal) aside from this throughout my life (am thirty-one). And my take on it is as follows:

We're born, we age (maybe), we die.

My heart is still breaking as I type, though. Loss is a unique experience for everyone, so love and strength to anyone and everyone in its grasp. And thank you, Robert, for posting such a beautiful, resonating piece like this...

[Aquila ka Hecate]

Dunno what's wrong with my eyes. Intsead of "I'll close today by offering you one great big Truth.." I read "I'll close today by offering you one great big Hug.."

...and to you Robert.

Love,
Terri in Joburg

[Shehzaad Maroof]

Love is stronger than death.
Robert! this article made me cry ....

[Moira]

Your wisdom these last years, on 9 January, has helped me move through what was unbearable grief for my mother, who died alone after suffering decades of contempt and abuse at the hand of my father.

Thanks to you Robert I now memorialise Mum by having a sacred day, not the day she died, but the last day I saw her 10 days before she passed. My last words to her were 'love you Mum'.

Like others here, I'm crying as I type. Thank you for the soul connections you catalyse amongst us. x

[Morvah]

Love, Robert and Warrior Lady

[Isabel Nobre]

Love to Robert and Warrior Lady.

I am accompanying my Mother, weaker ans weaker in her 89th year...

I hope I will have courage and serenity, since this is being a long process. But it was REALLY painful to deal with my Dad's death when I was 15...

Love and Light,

Isabel

[Morvah]

Dear Isabel, what a long struggle it is for you and your Mother. Good to see you again my friend. Shanti

[Alex]

Blessings Robert and Thank you for being brave enough to share your journey through pain which has helped others not feel so alone in their quest...

Love Alex

[solli]

The measure of love is the depth of grief. I lost my mom on January 22, 2005. The only words I could say over and over and over throughout the long night was I love you mom. She hadn't yet left the plane and I could feel her around me. Bless you for your beautiful and true words. The fullness of love exists always and forever.

[Philipp Manser]

As always you are in my thoughts of LOVE!

[Isabel Nobre]

Dear Morvah! It is SO GOOD to see you here! Just yesterday I tried to go to your blog and found it does not exist anymore?

I am going to update mine soon. Already did with the Portuguese ones...

Thank you!!!!!

[giverny]

dearest Robert...they call you up and yes they have things to say....they are our invisible helpers...my brother just told our mother in a dream for us to stay away from the water....look at the flooding i could have been in but changed my mind(in australia)....they speak from the other realms....thanks john in heaven love to all those who grieve...its endless but love is stronger than death...love never dies...just the vehicle....we have to keep on driving no matter how painful it can be....blessings to all....thank you
Robert for lighting our way in dark times so appreciated...love giverny

[ka]

I got to about paragraph 8 or 9 and was overwhelmed with gratitude for your out-loud expression of these truths. Each time a reader is touched deeply by your words, I hope that joy transmits to you somehow. Blessings to you and YES, YES, YES.