Should You Marry If You're Not Sure They Are the "Right One?"

by Robert Wilkinson

Over the years I've been asked by clients "How do I know this is the right person to marry?" This important question requires an examination of both astrological and human factors involved in the relationship.

I discussed the relative importance of various astrological factors in the recent article Synastry, Compatibility, Composite, and Marriage Charts. These show us many things about a potential relationship as it progresses from the initial meeting through the various stages of growing closer.

However, there is one thing I've observed over the years regarding marriage and compatibility chart readings. Often when people think they want a compatibility chart reading, what they really want is a blessing on the relationship. They usually want to know that it WILL work out, and would rather not explore elements that could in time break them apart if not addressed and antidoted.

The problem with that approach is that unfortunately, we usually split because of the unexamined negatives, not what attracts us initially. A true compatibility reading will cover strengths and weaknesses, harmonious traits as well as those personality traits that will create friction at some point or another. Both must be examined if we are to get an accurate picture of the factors both people must deal with.

Even these will change over time, so it's not like any "compatibility" is set in stone. In this regard, how each exercises their free will when confronted with major decisions determines whether they'll make it as a couple over the long run.

I believe there are certain questions that must be asked before we give ourselves over to believing we could have a long term relationship with someone. Among these are:

Are they violent? Do they lose their temper inappropriately? Are they selfish? Do they take responsibility for their behavior, or blame externals? Are they affectionate and respectful? Do they take care of their lives, or expect others to take care of them?

I once heard it said that marriage is not for the weak, the jealous, the selfish, the lazy, or the insecure. Obviously, weakness and insecurity will bring down any relationship, since the center will give way quickly when difficulties arise. Selfishness is incompatible with the open sharing of selfless love that comes forth in a long term healthy marriage.

When a being is lazy, then they cannot be a true equal with anyone else. This creates an imbalance in relations, also a major problem for a marriage, since marriage is archetypally a contract between equals.

A marriage ideally is a contract between equals, as marriage is ruled by Libra, the sign of equality, fairness, and justice. Where these are not present the relationship will eventually confront difficulties.

Then there's the deadly "sin" of Jealousy. Jealousy is the ultimate deal-breaker for a marriage, or for any relationship.

Jealousy is toxic, leads to very bad interactions, and is entirely the problem of the one who is jealous. No one can "make" another be jealous. Either a person is or is not jealous of their own choosing.

That said, it does not bode well for a future or current marriage if one or both flirt with other people or indulge in inappropriate or dysfunctional interpersonal behavior. A heart divided can no more stand than a house divided.

Jealousy is driven by insecurity coupled with possessiveness, and cannot be blamed on any external thing. More than once I refused to marry someone because they were jealous (for no sane reason, I might add!) Jealousy destroys trust, and it can never be "cured" by anyone or anything except the one who is jealous.

Jealousy is a dysfunctional personality disorder that cannot be blamed on any thing or person. Each has the power not to be jealous if they choose not to be jealous. No one gets over jealousy through repression or acting it out.

Getting over jealousy usually manifests as a relief from a personality trait that is toxic and not helpful in any way, shape, or form. It's more like setting down a horrible burden than an intellectual exercise.

Jealousy eats up a person from the inside, and I have seen it literally drive people crazy, to the point of suicide/homicide. Jealousy alone WILL break a marriage. Add violence and/or aggression, and it's a toxic mess.

It doesn't matter what's happened in a person's past. We are entirely responsible for our actions in the present. Simply because we or our beloved had to deal with betrayal from another in the past does not justify suspicion in the present.

Any healthy relationship will have all kinds of friends. Each will have their own friends, and the couple will have friends as well. Each should feel free to have as many friends as suits them, since true friends rarely create tension in healthy relationships. While there may be feelings of concern due to rough patches and misunderstandings, there is no place for jealousy.

Where two hearts are committed without reservation, there can be no jealousy possible. Even to be accused of thinking of another is ridiculous, since hearts that are at peace with one another are not yearning for anyone else.

That is the gift of maturity. Even if both have had horrible marriages or relationships in earlier times, where love is true there is no mistrust or suspicion for the love each has for the other in the here and now.

Any healthy individual will need time and space to be in solitude, as well as time and space with loved ones and friends. That is important in any healthy relationship. All Beings feel the need for "freedom" and connectedness. What better way to demonstrate loyalty and affection than to be with someone wholeheartedly while still being the power, love, and wisdom of one's autonomy?

Regardless of outside pressures, we either choose to be autonomous in our relationships or we don't. We choose to continue to learn and grow or we don't. Either we trust each other or we don't. Either we respect each other enough to know that each must find what is best for them or we don't.

Without love, trust, respect, and spontaneous affection there can be no lasting partnership. Either we offer our hearts to each other without controlling demands, or we put doubt and discontent over the blessing of a contented heart.

In my own direct experience, though a couple can be severely tested through very difficult periods, whether in terms of outside seductions or even worse things, they can come through everything more dedicated, more in love, more absolutely clear about the love they have for each other. No external thing can introduce doubt in a relationship where both hearts are secure.

When confronting a lifelong commitment like marriage, many feel fear to some degree or another. It is more common than most would like to admit. What is unacceptable is that one partner could evoke fear in the other - that is NEVER appropriate.

The last thing anyone should feel is that their beloved is afraid of them, or they feel fear of their partner. A true partner is one who can be the other's comfort, strength, support, defender, (and sometimes challenger), always from a loving approach.

Even when one fears for whatever reasons, the other would never want them to continue fearing anything. While most of us must get over fearing whatever we've learned to fear, we must never give our beloved anything to fear. A marriage should never be built on the fear one has for how another could behave.

I am a staunch advocate of love and kindness between people, and believe that when two beings suited for each other are ready, nothing can strain the bonds of love they share. Though the way be thorny, rough, difficult, perilous or uncertain, where there is true love there is an eternal bond.

Ultimately, any two people are friends or they are not. It takes two to make and keep a friendship. Friendship never wavers in its love, and where there is no friendship, there can be no lasting relationship, regardless of vows and the other human constructed rituals.

That's why I always maintain that we should cultivate the friendship first, and let the romance follow. That gives us the strength of a loving friendship to rely on even when the rest of it gets strange or outer circumstances become difficult. As we cultivate the friendship, our past, any dysfunctional elements of personality, as well as personal baggage are all revealed. Then we see if we are suited for each other.

While we may have a strong attraction to someone, even be with them awhile, it doesn't mean they are the "right" person who could fulfill our hopes and dreams. Our ideal mate is one who is good to and for us, and we will be good to and for them, a person who will bring out our strengths and call us to become a better person. I wrote about this in the Square of Right Relations.

Just a few thoughts from my own experiences with many different kinds and levels of relationships and marriages. While attaining the ideal may seem daunting, it's definitely worth the effort!

© Copyright 2009, 2011 Robert Wilkinson

Comments

[Amy-Julia]

What an incredibly beautiful and perceptive essay. I want to have it engraved and hang it in some prominent place where I will see it often. Thank you!

[tony]

Robert, thank you, thank you, thank you. I broke off an engagement 3 months ago after 3 years together because I felt that it was an unhealthy dynamic and the person I was with was controlling, overly demanding, and manipulative. Extreme jealousy and insecurity over a strictly platonic friend, whom I see maybe once or twice a year is only one example. That combined with constant threats to leave me if I could not placate her demands was another ongoing problem that ultimately forced me to call it off. I could only see these problems growing if I had gone through with the marriage. Only problem now, is that I still feel (sometimes incredible) guilt over breaking it off and second-guess my decision, even though at the time, it was so bad that my health was deteriorating quickly. In any case, this brief article has helped me in healing this trauma quite a bit, and helped me forgive myself, even though I am told constantly by my therapist and close friends + family that I made a good, healthy decision.
Thank you for the words here...it is something that I can refer to repeatedly in imagining the type of love and relationship I want to bring into my life.

[bouruneda]

what an absolute gem of an article. Robert, in an ideal world all relationships would be like your descriptions here, it sounds like utopia. you must be the most wonderful partner what a lucky most blessed lady. I will be showing this article to all my friends and of course my dear husband. thanks again.