Letting Go Of Emotional Heaviness

by Robert Wilkinson

Long time readers know today is one of the “Sacred Days” of my year, when I reflect on the death of one who was as close to me as my own breath.

In the now distant past, an overwhelming heaviness would come over me on this day, sometimes to the degree that I almost couldn’t breathe. I had tremendously complex feelings that threatened to drown me, and for many years I had to ride the waves as best I could without worrying if or when they would crash me on the shore of a timeless hell.

Over the years I learned to navigate the profound and often oppressive feelings like a mariner at sea, spotting the times when I had to “turn my ship into the wind” lest I be capsized and sink to the bottom of “the deep.” And even when I was turned upside down, the feelings repeated over and over and over, making me wonder if I wasn’t caught in some Twilight Zone of “Groundhog Day,” but without the humor and happy ending.

That’s the nature of dealing with feelings that are the result of what I call “deep grief.” We all have it, to one degree or another, as a result of a “Sacred Wound” that leaves us devastated to the core of our being. There are wounds, and there are Sacred Wounds. Sacred Wounds bind us to all others across time who also share some personal variation of that Wound.

All human beings have been wounded. Some of us have been so profoundly wounded that it affects the rest of our lives. Our deepest wounds challenge us to embrace a quest for healing to whatever degree this can be accomplished. For many years I didn’t know how or if I could heal, or even if I could ever get beyond the deep and heavy recurring feelings that took on a life of their own every January 9.

For those of you wondering just what I’m talking about, when you’re done reading this post please begin with my offering of January 9, 2006 which you can find linked, along with all the other January 9 posts across the years, at the bottom of this article. In the six posts from January 9, you will be taken on a journey through some difficult feelings that may help you contact some of your own deeper feelings, buried deep within your psyche, about those you have loved and lost in your own life.

Over the years I learned that we all have experienced the death of loved ones, including pets, dreams, and even our own sense of what’s possible in the here and now of our daily lives. Each of these deaths left us with a wound, some deeper than others. We then are left to carry those feelings around, and learn to deal with them as best we can.

Unfortunately, the modern world and its demands don’t value the time it takes to resolve deep feelings of grief. We are expected to acknowledge them in some way, and then “get on with our life.” Usually we are not given the space, time, or techniques to grieve, and this leaves us feeling heavy, since unresolved feelings within our subconsciousness don’t go away, but stay buried until they find an outlet through some other event that needs to be grieved.

That’s why it’s important to learn how to move through emotionally difficult spaces in our psyche, since honoring those profound parts of our life and death experiences allows us to confront unresolved feelings of loss and work on the deepest levels so we may come to a measure of peace and compassion connected to those life transformations.

Last year’s title stated a universal truth: that death is a fact of life, and love is stronger than death. We all experience the death of loved ones. The challenge is to learn how to live, and live fully, with an open heart and a courageous willingness to face what needs to be faced, after someone or something dies.

I found this process of reclaiming our life, and therefore our power to love anew after a significant death, involves learning to move into emotionally difficult spaces in our psyche for the purpose of feeling whatever we need to feel to achieve a measure of emotional fluidity. Death and loss shock the psyche, and that's why there is some numbness related to realizing things will never be the same.

We must learn to be comfortable with moving through feelings if we're ever to attain peace in life. A tremendous heaviness accompanies the death of a loved one, or hope, or dream. It doesn’t feel so heavy once we learn how to navigate in those very deep feeling waters.

When a loved one dies, we need space and time to enter into our “underworld,” since it is there and only there that we can get to our core feelings about death. If there is a need to honor what was and is good in our life, then we also need to honor what was and is good about those loved ones who have died. Our dead loved ones are not honored by being ignored, and our emotional heaviness is not resolved by being ignored.

As we grieve, we create patterns of emotional response. Part of the process of healing deep grief involves allowing our difficult feelings to come to the surface so we can honor them while not getting stuck in feeling like they will be with us forever. These too will pass, even if in the moment they feel more real than anything else. We just have to be aware in the moment of what we're feeling, and at the appropriate times, work gently and persistently to move emotional heaviness into a deeper loving compassion for our grief and our process of reclaiming life after death.

In bringing deep feelings to the surface, we can honor them as part of our life experience. While it’s important to feel what needs to be felt, it is equally important to remember that we have the power to be compassionate toward that within us which suffers over death. As we embrace allowing our feelings to flow, while remembering that we can open to a greater compassion toward ourselves and all others who suffer, we learn to maneuver through difficult feelings and become a living, loving Soul-force in our world.

Over time, utilizing “the eyes of radical compassion,” we can learn to let go of feelings of heaviness, failure, frustration, and every other difficult emotion based in the separated self and its fears and uncertainties. We then have a choice when to feel what, and can allow different patterns of emotional response to come forth. As we learn to let go of difficult feelings rather than repress or bury them, we find strength and power in our ability to move through all sorts of difficult experiences and emotional heaviness, whether our own or others who we love.

Over time, we can learn how to disentangle the knots that bind the pain of death and loss to the suffering of the separate self. Then we can feel all there is to feel, but will not experience helplessness or powerlessness when we confront the difficult feelings that are part of our generic human experience. This allows us to be loving and compassionate regardless of what we or others are going through, and through that we can know peace and a greater unconditional Love for ourselves, others, and all that lives and dies.

I’ll finish this chapter of “the neverending story” with something I gave you last year:

...as we move through the process of learning how to grieve in healthy ways, we become stronger in our love, clarity, and ability to know what's important and what isn't. We never quite "heal" in the usual sense, but we do learn to live with the wound and use the power of that wound to serve the greater Love we're here to give and receive.

I'll close today by offering you one great big Truth: The price of love is grief, since where there is love between two beings, one must die first. My blessings to all who grieve the death of a loved one....

As most of you who have been with me on this journey know, I have found that when all is said and done, Love is stronger than death. That’s a comfort unto itself.

*********

If you want to order a paperback copy of the book I wrote about my ordeal and path back to a loving, fulfilled life, you can find it at Love, Dad: Healing the Grief of Losing a Stillborn. (Just make sure the subtitle says “stillborn” rather than “child,” since this second edition clarifies this work was written as a result of a full term birth loss and updates all the global numbers related to pregnancy and infant loss.) Though it was written as a result of the death of a full term stillborn, what is explored in the work are ways to move through grieving any loss of any loved one, whether child, parent, sibling, pet, friend, or any other. It can also help you understand what the bereaved are going through, and perhaps help you to be a more compassionate caregiver, if that's your privilege.

If you want to explore more about the grieving and healing process, please visit my previous articles. Each one covers different elements and approaches to healing our grief. And of course, give yourself some space and time, since they will bring up some very deep feelings.

From 2006, Love, Dad - Bereavement, Grief, and Healing After A Significant Death

From 2007, Coping With Loss and the Grief That Honors A Love.

From 2008, For Those Who Grieve the Loss of A Child

From 2009, Death, Loss, Grief and Bereavement - Honoring the Sacred Moment

From 2010, To Those Who Grieve the Death of A Loved One

From 2011, Death is A Fact of Life, And Love is Stronger Than Death

Happy 24th birthday, Blyth. You've changed my life and countless other lives forever. Thank you for making me a better man. Love, Dad.

© Copyright 2012 Robert Wilkinson

Comments

[Azalea Hazelwood]

Shockingly beautiful, Robert.

Thank you for your words, your light, and your divine insight. I am grateful for your honest and full-hearted commitment to your process, particularly when it pertains to grief. The subject is difficult to define, yet you've carved it so beautifully over the years… when read in procession from 2006 to present, its full-figured form is (as you described): breathtaking.

Thank you.

[Ilse]

Bless you Robert.....

[Beth in SoCal]

Thank you. Lost my Dad April 2010. My mom is nearing her end in this realm. God bless us all. Strength, courage, and compassion for each of us is my daily prayer. As an aside Robert... I have received for decades precognitions and the most strange synchronicity occurrences; some of the most powerful have occurred after the passing of a friend and a beloved dog-friend. I have no words of wisdom and no explanation, save this comment: There is life, or something akin to life, beyond the veil. These occurrences of mine I believe are but intimations of some otherness beyond our comprehension.

[L]

Robert, your words bring me to tears. I know you're explaining your grief, but it is my grief as well. So eliquent, beautiful, painful, true. Thank you. You are a gift to all of us.

[Anne]

Blessings, Robert.

[Micheline]

Robert, these posts touch my soul deeply. I lost my mom when I was 11 and I lost my dad when I was 15. Life was really rough in between that time until I hit my mid twenties. I had no one to talk to. It took years to process this stuff. Still, most people can not really understand. But, it makes me who I am today. I think having gone through all that and having to deal with that kind of loss as a kid makes you feel really abandoned. Then you walk into life thinking everyone is going to leave me. When you have friends who stick around. The meaning of their friendship takes on a much deeper note in your soul. That they see you for who you are and you learn that real people care and that there is love in everywhere. Thanks for posting this and showing us your heart and not being afraid to show your vulnerable side. By the way. I have you ever seen TED TALKS. I saw one the other day that blew me away by Socioligist/Social Worker. Her name is Bene Brown. It was one of the best TED TALKS I have ever seen. I forgot the title. It is was beautiful. I just wanted to share that with you.
Peace and thanks again for sharing your heart.

[Nicolas]

I am sure that many have tears in their eyes as they read your post(s) regarding grief. There are many ways to experience the loss of a loved one. As many I have been through the experience many times and each one is different for the lost of a person is an individual loss. I have also "lost" a daughter, it is the hardest, heavier, deeper, life transforming grief I have experienced. Through the years and with much struggle I also learn that within all the pain there was a gift hidden inside the experience. She also has made me (and still does) a better human being and has open the doors to many realisations and insights. The message to those that grief is to understand that the process is a natural one, that it should be allow to flow in the way it needs to flow, that we can heal from it even when it stays whith us ever present, and that the process will be overcomed and we will find the gift of life and the power to overcome death, that is, we will live the power of love. Then, we only need to share it as best we can.
Blessing be,
Nicolas

[nan]

Warm blessings, Robert, as you navigate this day, this week, this year.

[ka]

In America, if you grieve wrong, get ready for a DSM diagnosis. There is not enough discourse on the wisdom, depth, reality, and care we need and give when grieving. The value of your sharing on this topic, Robert, is inestimable. Thank you for keeping it in view, as you've done.

[Elizabeth]

My heart reaches out to you Robert and all who have suffered such a terrible loss. Really hard to explain this journey, but you have managed it so eloquently!! I have had to cope with a similar loss, although not of a child, since 1988, and I have felt adrift without a sail! It is only since last year that I have found myself able to release and forgive and find some peace.... in fact, ever since I discovered your site, a few months ago, I seem to have turned the corner and started to put myself together again.
I feel so priviledged to be part of this.....May your God bless you Robert, and everyone here xx

[chickie]

A blue candle is lit for you this evening sending and surrounding you with Maria/Mare, my dear Highness!

[H]

Thinking of you & thanks to you for your great kindness in your sharing, blessings be Hx

[Sara]

Robert, thank you for sharing your beautiful and generous insights that have come to you through pain to help the rest of us. Your words are truly helpful. After reading the article, then when reading the titles of the previous articles, the floodgates opened and I had to let the tears roll for awhile.

I want to share with you that on October 27,1996, in the wee hours of the morning (just a few hours, by the way, after I met my current significant other), the previous love of my life died unexpectedly in his sleep at age 44 of an undiagnosed heart condition. Although we were no longer in a romantic relationship, I felt as though I had been widowed. The following weekend I was performing in a dance concert that I produced and choreographed much of. I was falling apart but had to follow through with this huge responsibility at the same time. One of the works was a duet to the accompaniment of singers with text from Song of Songs, "Love is stronger than death." As I danced with my male dance partner in dress rehearsal to those words, the tears were flowing and I somehow had to get through it. Of course I dedicated the concert to my lost loved one, who had been the first musician that I created a work with. It took many rituals and about a decade for me to get to where I could accept this loss as part of the fabric of my life and make some kind of peace with it.

Thank you for your gift.

[Joanne]

Blessing upon you Robert for your continued sharing of the vast knowledge and experience that you have. My heart immediately opened to the loving vibration and healing for the shared grief of our children. Like you, I also felt the profound wound and thru my ability to unify with Source, and my personal understanding of Oneness, life lessons and our "choices", I have been able to accept, forgive myself and "KNOW" that we are eternally connected. I miss the 'physical' aspect at times, as to be expected but know that our time together was complete, as was the Divine Order. I learn that thru helping others during their time of grief, I also help myself.
Heart hugs, and great thanks,
Joanne

[Jean]

Thank You Robert,
the passing of our dear ones is always hardest as we are confronted with the illusions of separation, physical space, and being left left behind..and time is irrelevant it would seem. Yet, this also indicates that the relationship of love we share with those who have moved on, never ends-and never will. I know this is always a deep and thoughtful time of year for you, often filled with moments of deep grief and unanswered questions-how could anyone on this side answer them?
I wish you much healing and comfort on this cyclical return, of this phase of your personal journey.
There IS SATCHITANADA. A reality of deep and profound peace, where there is nowhere to go, nothing to get, nothing to fear..ever. As you have written in past articles, it is the field in which we live, move, and have our being, though often times "the world" would blind us of it's existence and it's profound existence.
Much love and healing to you Brother.
Namaste

[Robert]

Hi all - Thanks so much for your offerings to this part of my story. Of course, it was many years ago, and I haven't felt personal sorrow in a long time, since I know the relationship of this life to the greater Life that we live forever. However, due to opening to that, I can experience deep compassion rather than grief when I'm in the presence of the bereaved.

Actually, since beginning this journey 24 years ago, I walk between the worlds more now than almost ever before. These offerings (and all that this community contributes with your comments) are offered for those who need comfort, community, and compassion as they walk through the Valley of the Shadow, as well as those who are privileged to walk that walk with them. When we're in hell, a buddy is almost always welcome.

That said, for those who still are suffering over the loss of a loved one, I can state that because I was willing to heal, whatever it took (as I offered you in my book "Love Dad"), I can truly say that we can heal out of pain into compassion, sorrow into joy, frustration into maturity, suffering into wisdom, and fear into love.

If I hadn't walked this walk I couldn't be here with you today. I've known many who gave up on life, but I never did, and over time as we fully embrace the integration of our personality with our Higher Self and Soul/Spirit, we know what's passing and what's Eternal. Thanks all for checking in and contributing to this dialog for all those who find their way to this gentle place.

[Dubharey]

Very profound words. It would be great to put a face and a voice to the words written on this blog, Robert. You sound like such a multifaceted interesting individual, compassionate -both worldly and other worldly. Your heart and soul reach out to your readers, yet the sense I get mostly from your writing is that you are a cerebral person.

I am glad to hear that you are healed and have been able to journey forward using your pain as a gateway to a much better place. This place you speak of sounds wonderful.

Good luck as you travel onward and upward.

May the heavens watch over you and yours.