by Robert Wilkinson
Recently a friend of the site sent me condolences while sharing his own devastating loss. Many things seem to be ending right now for many people, for better or worse. Today we explore some navigational tools.
Again, the fact that so many losses and deaths of various sorts are happening right now could be attributed to many factors, since there are “good days to die,” so to speak. We have discussed many correlations these past two years about what’s ending and why, and how to approach the losses with an eye to opening to new vistas of conscious, concrete development. Still, since so many are feeling hammered right now, I figured this correspondence might be a good thing to share with readers who are going through losses and deaths.
The person who wrote me expressed great compassion and sympathy for my recent loss. Though unclear at the time about the specifics of my loss, he said he didn’t want to presume to pry into the details, and shared that he also was dealing with a death involving the ending of his 35 year marriage. Here was my response, with minor edits and additions for readability:
I appreciate your caring tone and words. There was nothing “prying” about what you wrote. Long time readers know I’m pretty safe to be around in times of loss. If you wonder what I mean, please read my posts from every January 9.
By now you know this loss involved the death of my 18 year old cat teacher and road partner of 25,000 miles or more. His death was not a tragedy as much as an inevitability, just as it is for all of us. And he lived and died with dignity, love, compassion, and caring from those around him. Not bad for anyone.
There were Indian ragas playing, incense burning, and he was held and rocked as he slipped into the vast and mysterious heavenworld known as "Devachan." It's where all life on Earth comes from and where it all goes to. It was my privilege to be his attendant. Though letting go was painful, it was also inevitable, and an opportunity to keep my heart open within a greater Love.
I have no problem sharing my feelings with my readers, nor having them share their feelings with the community. We’re a gentle bunch, and most who come find some comfort in knowing they’re not alone in their feelings, regardless of what difficulty brings the response forth. That's part of what my site is all about.
Having walked in the fire more times than I can count, while I never “like” death, I also am familiar with its blessings as well as the sorrow that comes when a loved one dies. And every loss needs to be grieved in a healthy way. Having been through divorces this lifetime, they also need to be processed, since they involve the loss of hope for a future with that Being.
35 years is a long time. There must have been something that just played itself out. Sometimes relationships are like that.
We come together when younger, walk the road of life together, make our individual and joint decisions, and ultimately either wake up one morning as old friends, or sudden strangers. (Sometimes both!) Those moments are not even a “right and wrong” type of frame; they are simply awakening to the fact that neither you nor they are who you used to be.
Then we walk on, either together or apart. And every ending holds the promise of a new beginning, once the echoes of the memories of perceptions of echoes of memories of perceptions of echoes of memories fade over time and experience.
You’re right that we don’t need to endure for years, only moment to moment. Loss of loved ones helps us get centered in the now, which is the only time there is. That’s why in my book “Love Dad” I offered that when we’re grieving, sometimes the only thing to do is “breathe and love and breathe and love and breathe and love and breathe and...”
Ultimately, all death and loss reminds us of the impermanence of all we assume to be “real,” and each significant loss, if there was any love at all, reminds us that we must let our previously conditional love become unconditional Love. In your case, you have all the memories and experiences that created and sustained love over all those years.
Now you get to take that love and raise it to a higher level, since the condition is no longer real. But your love is real. All you loved was real. All you could love is real. Just not with the conditions you’re used to.
To echo your words, “May God be with you.” May you find love and peace in remembering you are not that which suffers. You are an Eternal having a human experience, breaking the link between pain and suffering. While we both share a void, in learning how to hold that void, navigate that void, and sit still within that void, we come to hear the inner voice that lets us know WE LOVE.
Once we grieve what must be grieved in a healthy way, a new awareness naturally arises that opens us to a greater way of Being in our world. Over time, with our willingness to heal one step at a time, one day at a time, our lives know a new strength, a new love, a new attitude, and new openness to life and its infinite joys. We do not have to push the river. We just have to breathe and love and breathe and love and breathe and love and….
Aum and blessings, Robert
As is usual with such correspondences, I told him I’d probably use some of what I wrote in a post, since it seems many are having a very hard time right now with what has ended or is ending. I never violate a trust, but when our shared experience can assist the greater good, well, that’s also what this site is about.
All death, divorce, loss, and endings force us to confront a void. It is when we face “the unknown” that we either experience fear or peace. If there is any fear whatsoever at a significant death or loss it shows us the way to a greater Love, a greater Way, a greater Truth, and a greater Light. Every death opens the door to a renewal at the right way and time.
Again, we do not have to push the river, or fear that we won’t experience a renewal. If we do what we have to do, taking the high road however we can whenever we can however we define it, eventually we will come to a greater peace, love, and wisdom as we move from the unreal to the real, from darkness to light, and from death to immortality.
I believe those who come to this site for “the Wisdom, the Way, and the Community” are kind and thoughtful beings. Since walking the Way involves feeling all there is to feel while not being thrown off balance by the hard-edged weirdness and non-stop deaths and losses, be kind to yourself as you navigate these roiled waters. Be as loving and forgiving of yourself as you were taught to be with others.
In practicing this loving kindness to self and others, you’ll find times when it’s appropriate to remind others to be kind to themselves when they’re having a hard time. Then as you have been comforted, you will become a comfort.
We’re all in this together, and when one of us feels pain, we will all feel that pain to the degree we are part of the Whole. That’s why as we evolve our response-ability as Eternals having a human experience, we become part of what I have termed “the corrective force of Nature Herself.”
When the loving-kindness we ARE becomes as natural to express as breathing itself, then we can be the eyes and heart of compassion and be part of the evolution of the Whole. It’s why we’re here to begin with. In this time of profound loss, learn to sit in the void and hear the Voice of the Silence. It will show you the Way to unconditional Love.
© Copyright 2013 Robert Wilkinson
Thank you Robert. This week has brought the death of my dog companion of over 15 years. A month of inevitable decline to an end in my arms. Our lives are filled with the daily goings on when we care for others and those routines stopped suddenly seem to make the day less busy less filled less enriched as the loss of my dear buddy is so new. The home is quiet- silence. This is not the first animal friend I have parted with but as you know each one is so very special.
Posted by: Diane | April 18, 2013 at 06:35 PM
Thank you, Robert! There has been another death in the arts community here. Additionally, I have been grieving and creating healing rituals for a grandfather who died before I was born, but who was never spoken of after his suicide. I have been thinking about how death has become so much a part of my life lately, so your article is very helpful indeed, and very inspiring. Thank you for your insights and wisdom!
Posted by: Sara | April 18, 2013 at 09:37 PM
Dear Robert, I also lost my 4 cat children all between 2010 and last year. They weren't old - 12/13 yrs. My mom & I have concluded that they decided to all leave this planet together for some mysterious reason that only they know. During this time, Saturn was in my H5 and Pluto in H7, 17 Gemini asc. My heart goes out to you.
Posted by: Diana | April 19, 2013 at 07:45 AM
Dear Robert, sending you Love from the Sunshine State,
Posted by: Alex | April 19, 2013 at 11:36 AM
Thank you Robert for this. My fiancé was killed on April 10, 2013 in a car accident. Transiting Saturn at 9 degrees was retrograde over his natal ascendant, which was 10 degrees Scorpio, and his solar return chart for this year had Saturn at 10 degrees Scorpio.Also, transiting moon was conjunct his natal chiron at 20 degrees Aries.
I just can't imagine the losses that so many people have been experiencing lately. So many people are just checking out right now...I know death is the nature of life but this is jut getting out of control. My heart goes out to you and all of the rest of us that are personally experiencing these losses and to those of you who are not, count your blessings.
Posted by: JT | April 19, 2013 at 04:10 PM
Dear Robert,
I understand completely. I too, have found the same soul mate in my 17-year old beloved kitteh, Meeshka. I actually was blessed with him as a kitten right after a close friend of mine committed suicide. Meeshk completely kept me in the moment and still does. Recently, I am aware of his inevitable mortality as well. I lost my job of 20 years last June. And, now the place I've been living for the past 10 years is up for sale by the landlord...I am trying to practice more of being in the moment, but it gets difficult on some days... e.g. I wake up saying.."do I look for a job more? or.. a place to live...or...how do I uproot Meeshk from here without much harm..? With love and compassion, a gentle soul,
Jan
take care
Posted by: Jan Ragusa | April 19, 2013 at 07:04 PM
Dear Robert once again I am drawn to this site .. I lost my twenty old son . 17 months ago . I breathe , I love and so on .. But your kind words and wisdom give me peace .. Much love and blessings x
Posted by: Gilly | April 20, 2013 at 06:29 AM
Hi Robert,
Great post.
Blessing sometimes come in strange ways to us.
All the best,
Nic
Posted by: Nic | April 20, 2013 at 07:10 AM
Dear Robert
and blessings to you. Thank you for this post. I had some years of death loss divorce where the world went upside down. The words in your post about 'being kind to yourself' I echo to anyone travelling the path of loss. As you said, in being that kind of kind, we can be so for others. The self judgement I tore myself up with made everything harder-knowing how to care for myself as I do others was a revelation.
with love
eileen
Posted by: eileen | April 21, 2013 at 12:10 AM
Thank you, Robert. I am sorry for your loss. My 12-year-old Katie, a rescue from a puppy mill at age 5, died in my arms, next to my heart, on 12/12/12. I loved Katie more and in a way that was so different that I can't quite find the words to capture what I felt. I can't imagine, coming from what she did, having the love and trust to die next to her Mom's heart. I've learned about a loving trust from Katie, one that was unconditional, open, and freely given. I miss her every day. A friend said Katie was a very special spirit in the guise of a small dog. I just know that she blessed my life. Anne
Posted by: Anne Robinson | April 21, 2013 at 05:05 AM
For Robert:
Luminous Beauty
Old soul wisdom
The temple cat reborn
To teach me once more
In a sleek grey form
About eternal life
And eternal love
that long ago memories and wisdom
Never dies
within an old soul's eyes.
Eileen Smith Betancourt 2001
Posted by: Patricia | April 27, 2013 at 07:27 AM