How To Stop Bad Feelings, Habits and Behaviors – Part 2

by Robert Wilkinson

A long time ago I learned a natural and direct process that stops negative parts of us from externalizing. While some may believe this is easier said than done, I assure you success if you diligently work the process, applying its precepts, and don't give up through impatience, ego judgments, and other obstructions getting in the way of the discipline. I can say this since it's worked for me and countless others over many years.

I first gave you this 5 years ago, and it’s as practical and effective today as ever. It’s basically an exercise in mindfulness, and helps us regard our negative patterns as belonging to a being that is separate from who we really ARE. That’s why we begin today’s lesson by remembering that we ARE an Eternal Consciousness that is Unconditional in its Love, and it's only the personality that confuses who we ARE with all the other strange learned emotions, speech patterns, and behaviors that are not helpful to anything or anyone.

We pursue pleasure and happiness, and along the way often find pain and unhappiness for all kinds of reasons that often have little or nothing to do with us personally. Our 5 senses and minds tend to obscure much in pursuing life in this 4 dimensional existence, and the processes of sequence, selection, desire, fear, vanity, and attachment often don't help us see things clearly.

In the process of remembering we're Unconditional Love we often get frustrated when the conditions of worldly love are taken away, or we are denied that which we believe is pleasurable and worthy of our desire. It’s human to have the unfortunate tendency to believe all things are possible, as well as compare ourselves to others who seem to have it easier than we do or possess what we want to possess.

Of course this is an illusion, since each has their own unique destiny to pursue, and that precludes many things that could lead us astray from our Higher Purpose, or Dharma. In this impermanent world things are taken away or denied and we move on whether we want to or not. It is how we deal with our reactions that determines whether we're having a good time or a hard time in this worldly process.

Though there are many schools of thought about how to deal with negative feelings, I don't believe it's useful to indulge or externalize those types of feelings, since a pattern is a pattern and getting into a habit of expressing unhelpful feelings usually only breeds more. The Buddhist practice I’ve embraced over the years has led me to the view that when confronted with our own imperfect and/or negative response to a thing, person, or circumstance, we should observe with infinite dispassion and detachment the tendency of negativity as it arises and then release it however we are able.

There are 4 stages of realization in this process. The first stage is when we notice how we were negative in our responses and feelings after the fact, and resolve to change the behavior "the next time." This generates positive intention and mindfulness which are necessary to transmute negativity. That's why we can't get too down on ourselves even after we've indulged the passions, since self-loathing is not helpful to generate positive feelings and intention.

The second stage is when we notice the negativity while we're in the middle of the passions, and stop the behavior during the experience and move our mind and speech into different directions. We can train our mind to "flag" certain feelings, attitudes, reactions, and other learned behaviors and redirect the energies to more productive ends, which may or may not have anything to do with the thing that triggered our negativity to begin with.

The third stage of realization is when we feel the arising of the negative response and at the moment we could externalize it, we don't go there. We stop the behavior before it starts, whether by not saying something we feel like saying, or not reacting in a negative manner to whatever confronts us. This is the true beginning of self-control, since we are changing the pattern as it begins to arise and move our energy in a different direction of our own choosing.

The fourth stage of realization is when we sense the beginning of the tendency that could externalize as negativity, and with infinite detachment and dispassion for ourselves, see it as something unreal so that it never becomes any form of potential action, feeling, or thought at all. This breaks the pattern of negativity externalizing in any way even for a short time. Eventually the passions do not control us, nor even reside in us as something to be externalized, but only a prior tendency that isn't as strong as before.

Whether you're at stage 1, 2, or 3 of this process in any given stressful situation, do not judge yourself for doing it "good enough" or not. Simply apply this formula even to your own self judgments, and resolve to be mindful of your own thoughts, feelings, speech and actions so you can observe what moves you. Then you can choose your responses, and eventually eliminate the patterns of externalizing negativity in every way by transmuting them into positivity and altruistic intention. The rewards of pursuing this self-discipline are infinite.

© Copyright 2008, 2013 Robert Wilkinson

Comments

[Helen]

Thank you for this Robert, it is very useful to hear these wise words and keep all this in mind. A book presented itself to me by chance a couple of months ago by Cheri Huber "How to get from where you are - to where you want to be". Although appearing to be a 'self-help' book, I discovered that it is actually a book on Zen Mindfulness and goes through how to break down all the illusions/barriers you have described. I cannot recommend it enough for anyone needing some guidance during a life cross-roads, and it goes very deeply into "conditioning". Also, personally I have got into meditation the last couple of weeks for the first time in my life and found this enormously useful for calming the mind, letting go and (attempting) to detach from the ego into what you describe as your pure unconditionally loving self. Just spending a relatively tiny amount of time out of the day/week meditating has provided some small peace of mind which has made a huge difference to how I have been able to deal with many life curve balls recently. All the best

[Elah]

Great post, Robert. Mindfulness is the key to letting go of ego-driven suffering. The practice you described creates a way to arrive at the 'observer' place of awareness. It is my daily practice, some days are easier than others. Gradually, a gentler way of being emerges. And more forgiveness for myself and others brings peace to my heart.

Mahalo,
Elah

@ Helen...Thank you for the book recommendation.

[yzse]

It is a great article, but what if you have to fight?

I have this complicated situation since March 20th when you wrote about strong planetary impact. I do not want to fight, but I'm forced to do it. If I don't stand up for my rights my health will be in danger. Not just mine, but everyones in my country where medical system is corrupted (and everything else).
I thougt I will use my natal Moon opposition Mars (Moon in 2nd, Scorpio with transiting Saturn and Mars in 8th) practicing marshal arts and everything will be fine. But it didn't turn that way. And everyday I think about it, I pray for this situation to be resolved without me having to do anything, but there is no miracle.
Do you have any advice for this kind of situation?
Thank you.

[boo]

Robert so I don't just assume the meaning what exactly do you mean by "detachment"?

[Robert]

Hi Helen - You're welcome. Most of these personality integration exercises merely serve to remind us who we really are, and offer us a choice not to react instinctively or thoughtlessly. And you're right that a regular meditation practice really does help to keep everything on the rails.

Hi Elah - Yes, it's always a good day to let go of suffering, and yes, some days are easier than others. But over time we come to see the wisdom of the gentle way that allows for much and never wavers in its witness of Divine Love and Light.

Hi yzse - Then you stand aside and let the Eternal Warrior do your fighting. When ego fights the battle is already lost due to ego then being involved in the lower drama. We must be a good guardian, knowing what is real and true and valuable so we don't cave the minute a barbarian challenges us. We must always stand up for our right "to do the right thing," even when others don't approve. It's not their life. And sometimes we must fight the good fight for higher principles, even when we don't want to. That's why we evaluate why we are fighting, what is the payoff and/or end point we're willing to follow to the nth degree, and then we get a plan and execute it using our skills and allies to win whatever there is to win. There's always more along these lines, but this comment stream probably isn't the best forum.

Hi boo - Non-attachment to the objects of sense perception, non-attachment to the illusions and distortions and assumptions of the mind and feelings, non-attachment to outcomes, and seeing how all forms pass away.

Of course, we must remain fully present and aware of all of the feelings and thoughts as they pass by, but we cannot let them drive our experience. We cannot be so attached to that which is pleasurable that it eventually leads us to suffering. So we must fully embrace life with all its transitory events and still keep our hearts open to loving it all the best we're able.

[boo]

Thank you Robert. Your my guide thru out all of this!