Healthy Grief Leads To A Healthy Life

by Robert Wilkinson

Those of you who are long time readers and friends know that January 9 is a sacred day for me. 27 years ago I lost one who was closer to me than my own breath, and found myself abruptly shipwrecked in hell. As I’ve told you in the past, that singular event marked a line between past and future, and set me on a quest that has taken me into the deepest Mystery I never dreamed of before that moment. An Eon has passed since then.

As with 2013, over the past 9 months I have been visited by death more than I could have imagined. I’ve had so many deaths and losses since Summer that I’ve been left feeling a bottomless void and am continuously experiencing a profound contemplative state. Despite all I know about managing grief in healthy ways (having had rigorous instruction in this the past 27 years), with each new experience of death I experience a deeper feeling and connection with the One Life we all share together.

Because we are all in this world together, when we add the collective grief at so many needless and violent deaths around the world, it’s easy to see why one of the greatest tests we have as humans is to keep open hearts and open minds in the presence of pandemic suffering. I believe the only way to do this is to accept that death is a fact of life, and in our willingness to honor those who have passed we enter into a deeper communion with the invisible world. Individual and collective anger cannot help us here.

One of the deaths this year involved more than just a physical death. It was a death that killed part of the tap root of my past, present, and future. While it stunned me in its intensity (and peculiar indifference to my feelings), I have had time to reflect on every death I and everyone else I know has gone through. And every death of any person, hope, or dream will be felt deeply, since these mark the bleeding edge where our past gives way to the NOW.

I now am living within a continuous experience and awareness that we’ve had many loved ones throughout many lifetimes. We’ve had ten thousand husbands and wives, brothers and sisters, fathers and mothers, sons and daughters, friends and lovers, in the countless lives we’ve had on Earth.

Of course, I get as attached as anyone else when it comes to those I love. I really don’t like saying goodbye, even if it is only for a short time, relatively speaking. But while I still feel some degree of “the pain of parting,” I no longer suffer, since I know those who truly love each other will commune again in the great beyond, probably sooner than any of us would like. That's why feeling the connection as we live our lives honors the sacred bond that ultimately is never broken where there is harmony between two Beings.

As I’ve offered so many times before, death is a fact of life, and grief is the price of love, since where there is love, one of you must leave this Earth before the other. Then the one that’s left grieves, as an expression of the love we shared, and the loss of the physical contact with the beloved. Grief is more than just feeling badly. It’s the portal to self-transcendence, and the power to turn conditional love into unconditional Love.

That’s why this year I used the title “Healthy Grief Leads to A Healthy Life.” Though the experience of Blyth’s death is now a distant memory, I could not love her more if she were here and we celebrated her life, hopes, and dreams. I know that in the Eternal, we share a bond of Love that is greater than death. And my life stands witness to that sacred bond, and in my own healing process I’ve been able to pay it forward to others who also grieve the death of a loved one.

At first I felt so miserably alone and a complete failure because of her death. Our minds work that way, always wondering if there was something else we could have, should have, might have done or not done to prevent the death of our loved one. Of course, our minds overlook the fact that each of us has our own life to live, and that we must leave when that purpose is fulfilled. The mind needs to learn that it doesn’t know everything, and that sometimes knowledge cannot prevent destiny from being fulfilled.

I also know that my grief process, though difficult and lasting longer than I would have liked, has created in me an ability to stand in the fire with others who are grieving the death of their loved ones, and given me a language we who grieve share in our heart of hearts. Everyone on Earth who has genuinely loved has felt grief. That grief can lead us to a more fulfilled life if we do what we must to grow into a greater love, wisdom, and intelligence. Then we can experience deep feelings and not lose our sense of perspective about the larger healing process.

As I made clear in Love Dad, each must find the way that is good for their healing in that moment; there are no easy formulas for what it will take to reclaim our lives after being shipwrecked in hell. I believe the world is drowning in grief, and all the anger won’t help. All the self-righteousness won’t help. All the happy talk won’t help. All the cheerleading won’t help. But Love always helps. Kindness always helps. Compassion always helps.

That’s why healthy grief requires stepping back from the usual interactions, the usual ideas, the usual habits of living, and requires a sacred space, within and without, where we can go to process deep feelings, both our own, those we share with others who also grieve, and those feelings that are in the collective atmosphere. And make no mistake – if you feel at all, you’re feeling all the collective grief at our global pandemic of violence.

We’re all in this together. As I gave you in the 2013 article written just after Sandy Hook,

The past few weeks have given us a huge dose of murdered children, as well as adults. I have been forced to listen to, and look at, reports of slaughter of humans, both young and old. As one who appreciates the value of human life, it’s bad enough that so many die of “natural” causes; it’s an obscenity that so many die from violent means.

There is truth in the old phrase “Ask not for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.” Every one of us who has ever grieved the death of a loved one feels the same sorrow, the same loss, as every other one who has ever experienced the death of someone we’ve loved. That sorrow is what links all of us throughout all time.

The grief of the parents at Sandy Hook is my grief. The grief of the parents at Dunblane is my grief. The grief of the parents at Columbine is my grief. The grief of the parents in the Middle East is my grief. The grief of the parents at Aurora is my grief. The grief of the parents of "the vanished ones" is my grief. The grief of the parents of those who died in Tucson is my grief. The grief of the parents of those who died at Virginia Tech is my grief. The grief of those who lost loved ones in Webster is my grief. The grief of every parent who ever lost a child is my grief.

The grief of parents, children, siblings, and friends who have lost a loved one anywhere in the world is my grief, since everybody that dies is somebody's child, somebody's friend, somebody's loved one. Again, ask not for whom the bell tolls, as it tolls for all of us. While not as debilitating as it was many years ago, I still feel it. That’s the price of finding a courageous approach to living with an open heart after the death of a loved one.

So on this sacred day, take thought to value giving and receiving Love in the moment, and not wait for tomorrow, for often, tomorrow never comes. Open your hearts to a greater love, wisdom, kindness, compassion, and strength, rising above the polarizations and fears generated by the psychopaths loose on our world. Love is stronger than death.

As I offered last year, after 27 years into the process, I’m truly feeling good, feeling strong, feeling the love, feeling the beauty, and feeling the tenderness and connectedness of all life. I am living proof that what did not kill me made me stronger. I transformed my conditional love into Unconditional Love. That’s one blessing that comes from overcoming the fear associated with Death.

So if you feel deeply at the death of a loved one, or even the death of those you do not know, take solace in the realization that you are tuning into Being a greater living, loving human than you have ever been before now. Your courage in holding the sacred space will transmute your conditional love into unconditional Love. We’re all in this together. And Love really is stronger than Death.

Happy 27th Birthday, Blyth. You've changed my life and countless other lives forever. Thank you for making me a better man. Love, Dad.

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If you want to order a paperback copy of the book I wrote about my ordeal and path back to a loving, fulfilled life, you can find it at Love, Dad: Healing the Grief of Losing a Stillborn. (Just make sure the subtitle says “stillborn” rather than “child,” since this second edition clarifies this work was written as a result of a full term birth loss and updates all the global numbers related to pregnancy and infant loss.)

Though it was written as a result of the death of a child, what is explored in the work are ways to move through grieving any loss of any loved one, whether child, parent, sibling, pet, friend, or any other. It can also help you understand what the bereaved are going through, and perhaps help you to be a more compassionate caregiver, if that's your privilege.

If you want to explore more about the grieving and healing process, please visit my previous articles. Each one covers different elements and approaches to healing our grief. And of course, give yourself some space and time, since they will bring up some very deep feelings.

From 2006: Love, Dad - Bereavement, Grief, and Healing After A Significant Death

From 2007: Coping With Loss and the Grief That Honors A Love

From 2008: For Those Who Grieve the Loss of A Child

From 2009: Death, Loss, Grief and Bereavement - Honoring the Sacred Moment

From 2010: To Those Who Grieve the Death of A Loved One

From 2011: Death is A Fact of Life, And Love is Stronger Than Death

From 2012: Letting Go Of Emotional Heaviness

From 2013: Losing Loved Ones – Grief in the 21st Century

From 2014: Overcoming Fear of Death

Copyright © 2015 Robert Wilkinson

Comments

[Nic]

Strange and puzzling how death can bring forth a state of consciousness in which everything is lost and the only thing we find is pain and confusion. Grief is probably the path out of that state and it takes time but more than that, the learning to love, and see/be light.
Greif is not the price of love for love has no price. Grief is the price of learning what really matters, what we truly are and how to express the love and light that we can find after the destructive, painful and confusing experience of loss.
Strange and puzzling how death can bring forth a new understanding of life and blessings. Strange how we can gain when we have lost. And, then, be more able to give, to love and to be grateful.
Blessings be to you my brother on a remembrance day like today.
Blessing be to all.

[Veronica Norman]

Thank you for sharing your most personal growth Robert. Reading your words show me how much I have grown through a sacred wound that I was dealt 10 years ago.I am more present in unconditional love, and not fearful of death.You know Blyth is holding your heart as you hold hers. Peace and light Robert.

[Robert]

Hi Nic - Yes, death is the ultimate deconstruction device! The shock at the loss is impossible for our mind to comprehend, and it takes a while for our mind to recognize there is a path out of the confusion. Being the hamster in the cage, the mind races back and forth trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. Apparent existence, then apparent nonexistence. But eventually our Soul gets our mind's attention and we move in the direction of Love in one form or another.

I suppose that you're right in that grief is the price we pay when we must learn detachment. Detachment from ego, detachment from assumptions, detachment from expectation. And yes, the void ultimately leaves us with a greater capacity for love if we choose that path.

And blessings be to you on the recent anniversary of your loss.

Hi Veronica - You're most welcome. I am grateful that my words help you make sense of your own Sacred Wound. In healing that, in becoming stronger and clearer as a result of that, you become the light in your world for others who share that wound. After 10 years, your words clearly indicate the power you have to help others. And being unafraid is maybe the greatest blessing that comes from death.

Yes, I have no doubt that on some higher level, her Cosmic heart is beating in harmony with mine. Thanks for recognizing that. No drama, just deep comfort that she helped me become a better man for our time together.

Aum and blessings to you, Veronica.

[chickie farell]

Your Highness...I'm in constant contact with my dad..Sam Rip, now than when he was in the physical. Go Figure...much love to you on this day!!!

[ellen]

Robert, it is an honor to bear witness to the love in your heart that grows more powerful and transforms both you and us on this important anniversary. It is a remarkable journey that it has taken you on thus far but it is not over by any stretch of the imagination.

Two hearts fused together can not be divided by the veil of death. It is only a veil, it obfuscates but love is indeed stronger than death and the two of you are now one, forever and always. You have earned the knowledge that joy and sorrow are inseparable.

Gibran said,"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?"

I see that the joy you contain is great indeed and that the love between you and your daughter was largely responsible for who you are and your great capacity to love. Today, I honor her and show my gratitude to her for that because we are the recipients of your light and love. Thank you Blyth. Thank you Robert and know that we are all very much mindful and respecting of this anniversary.

[Helen]

Thank you for sharing your inspiring thoughts and feelings with us Robert and showing that, sad though it may be, death connects us all and somehow there is beauty and comfort in that.

[Nic]

Thanks for your comment, we are never truly alone.
Blessings be

[Scarlett]

I too have experienced several loved ones' deaths this year Robert. I was initially in the process of massive changes and did not have the chance to grieve as fully as I would have liked when each passed. I grieved, but as you say, with age we become more accepting of this fact of life.

The light at the end of my year's long metamorphosis culminated with the death of my Dad. I arrived at my literal destination not two days when I received the news. Now I have the time and space that was not available to me before to grieve for all lost and all found. It is winter and I am in hibernation with my feelings. I have my eternal loved ones and know I will once again get through this all, as I have before. Changed forever.

I truly want to share my gratitude to you for sharing. Death is such an incredible happening, yet you do not find many who will discuss it. It is sacred and beyond words yet you have the gift to express the dire beauty of it all. Such a blessing to us all. Thank you.