by Robert Wilkinson
As members of this community know, January 9 is a sacred day for me. Twenty-eight years ago I lost one who was closer to me than my own breath, and found myself abruptly shipwrecked in hell. That singular event marked a line between past and future, and set me on a quest that has taken me into the deepest Mystery I never dreamed of before that moment. An Eon has passed since then.
I’ve been contemplating how my life changed in ways that I could never have imagined, and how much was taken away that allowed my life to take the shape it’s in today. Every death of a loved one creates a void that is bound to be filled in time with events and people that show us that we are not as we were, our lives are not as they were, and opens a new road which we must travel, whether we want to or not.
My daughter’s death precipitated a search for ways to survive the worst pain I ever knew. As I went through the ordeal, I lost friends and family who just couldn’t be in the presence of my pain. Though that hurt as well, those losses deepened the tap root of my spiritual awareness of the reality that there are those who talk the talk, but will not walk the walk. Doing healthy grief work is a very tough walk, but when it’s the only thing to do, then nothing else will do.
Since that event, along the way I’ve met countless others who also lost a loved one. As a result of my experiences during the seven long years I walked through the Valley of the Shadow, because I kept my heart open to love, I have been offered many opportunities through the years to help others feel not so miserably alone and flawed when they too experience the death of a loved one. This in turn has shown me how certain universals are part of the human experience, and allowed me to offer a greater vision and hope for a renewed life and purpose to those I’ve met who also found themselves shipwrecked in hell.
Blyth’s death, as difficult as it was, gave me countless opportunities to be more open in my caring, my compassion, and my willingness to go through the experience of the death world, kill out fear, and detach from my own suffering. That also helped me realize that the only thing that mattered was my heart, which meant I had to disengage my mind from distracting me from my grief process. That required me getting beyond judgments about how I felt, whether I was “doing it right,” and detaching from what the world thought.
When I first found myself in hell, I had no idea if or when the grief would ever end. It was a non-stop nightmare, and in my interactions with others also grieving the death of their child(ren), I saw there are no guarantees. I also realized I better not be in any hurry to leave hell, since I somehow knew that anything I didn’t confront and make peace with would ultimately take me back there.
As I did my grief work in the underworld of my existence and resolved many deep and painful feelings, taking each step and challenge as they arose, my fear began to melt away, and I no longer suffered as I once had. As my grief process led me to heal in countless ways, eventually it allowed me to return to this world in a natural way, at the perfect time.
As I look back, I see that if I never experienced this death, I would never have known the life I’ve lived since I came out of hell back into the light of life on Earth. Everything would have been different, but I cannot state with certainty that it would not have been difficult, given the circumstances I was in when she came and went. That’s why “the road not traveled” cannot be known, since ten thousand things arise with each choice we make and each step we take on our journey out of darkness into light, and from death to immortality.
It is very human to make assumptions about “what if,” and “if only.” And yet, each death blows apart every assumption we have related to that person, as well as our hopes and dreams. The death of a loved one reveals how much we assumed before them, and as those assumptions are smashed, we see that we are on a different path, and can never go down the road we were traveling before the death. Life is a one-way street, and we can never travel the same road twice.
I’ve been contemplating all that I’ve embraced since then as well as what I turned away from, whether I wanted to or not. I’ve reflected on what that death made me aware of, and what really matters in my life. I have seen how death affects us personally and profoundly, and alters our future after that death. And I have felt deeply how all deaths unite all of us in the “grief world,” where we all come together as suffering human beings.
As we move through the dark waters of deep grief, we find that we are one of countless others who have grieved throughout all time. This can open a limitless compassion for those who fearlessly face becoming more than their suffering. As it has been said, life is painful, but we do not have to suffer. Breaking the link between pain and suffering may be one of the most difficult things we will ever do, but with each victory we become a brighter Light in our world.
That’s why I cannot lament that it happened, as impossibly painful as it was. Her death cracked me open, and allowed me to feel and confront every bit of sorrow, anger, and attitude I had lurking in the depth of my subconscious mind that kept me from living and BEING a greater Love. Over time that led me to a phenomenal gratitude for what has come into my life since then that I would never have been able to experience if she had never died.
One never knows the road not taken. We can only be the Love we seek, here and now. Death has a way of helping us focus on what really matters. So take this moment and remember someone you loved that made a huge difference in your life, and how your life changed when they died. You may find those tears of sorrow you once shed have become jewels residing in your heart.
May all of you who have lost a loved one find comfort and healing. Love is stronger than death.
Happy 28th Birthday, Blyth. You've changed my life and countless other lives forever. Thank you for making me a better man. Love, Dad.
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If you want to order a paperback copy of the book I wrote about my ordeal and path back to a loving, fulfilled life, you can find it at Love, Dad: Healing the Grief of Losing a Stillborn. (Just make sure the subtitle says “stillborn” rather than “child,” since this second edition clarifies this work was written as a result of a full term birth loss and updates all the global numbers related to pregnancy and infant loss.)
Though it was written as a result of the death of a child, what is explored in the work are ways to move through grieving any loss of any loved one, whether child, parent, sibling, pet, friend, or any other. It can also help you understand what the bereaved are going through, and perhaps help you to be a more compassionate caregiver, if that's your privilege.
If you want to explore more about the grieving and healing process, please visit my previous articles. Each one covers different elements and approaches to healing our grief. These articles cover different things than are offered in the book, while elaborating on some of the core concepts and related issues. And of course, give yourself some space and time, since they will bring up some very deep feelings.
From 2006: Love, Dad - Bereavement, Grief, and Healing After A Significant Death
From 2007: Coping With Loss and the Grief That Honors A Love
From 2008: For Those Who Grieve the Loss of A Child
From 2009: Death, Loss, Grief and Bereavement - Honoring the Sacred Moment
From 2010: To Those Who Grieve the Death of A Loved One
From 2011: Death is A Fact of Life, And Love is Stronger Than Death
From 2012: Letting Go Of Emotional Heaviness
From 2013: Losing Loved Ones – Grief in the 21st Century
From 2014: Overcoming Fear of Death
From 2015: Healthy Grief Leads To A Healthy Life
Copyright © 2016 Robert Wilkinson
Love is stronger than death! A resounding YES! Feeling - connecting - honoring in gratitude that love is my life. Namaste my brother.
Posted by: Philipp Manser | January 09, 2016 at 03:00 PM
Robert, what you and Blythe accomplished together is tremendous; so many have gained so much from your work and writing over the years. I especially liked this: This can open a limitless compassion for those who fearlessly face becoming more than their suffering. As it has been said, life is painful, but we do not have to suffer. Breaking the link between pain and suffering may be one of the most difficult things we will ever do, but with each victory we become a brighter Light in our world."
For me, it broadens the impact of your message to include all grief and loss. many blessings, jo
Posted by: jo garceau | January 09, 2016 at 03:24 PM
Sending love your way Robert and a very Happy 28th Birthday to Blyth.
Posted by: Alex | January 09, 2016 at 04:21 PM
Much love to Robert. May you know the peace of the gains having far outweighed the loss.
Posted by: ellen | January 09, 2016 at 07:07 PM
The Angel you were given was needed elsewhere...
She waits for your arrival and surrounds you with LOVE.
Blessings and love to you, Robert for the healing you bring.
Posted by: sue | January 10, 2016 at 05:33 AM
Robert, it has been years, whether you know it or not, that I re-read this article that continues to shake me to my soul. It is very difficult for people like me, who have never experienced such a thing, to express their sorrow to people like you have lost what I just can't imagine. I just don't know what to say. Saying "I'm so so sorry for your loss" just doesn't ever seem to be enough to you and to those who have experienced such a thing. To you, and to all the people who have had to go through such a loss, I am so so sorry, and hope it's enough as I can't seem to find the right words. My prayers are with you.
Posted by: Norm | January 10, 2016 at 05:17 PM
Love to & for - you & yours Robert. Namaste H
Posted by: H | January 13, 2016 at 04:09 PM