Grief Is Essential To Grow Into A Greater Life and Love

by Robert Wilkinson

As many of you know, this is a sacred day for me, where 31 years ago life gave birth to death, sending me on a journey that changed me forever.

Each year on this day I offer something about my strange, timeless journey through the Valley of the Shadow so long ago which helped me to become who I am today. I have been contemplating how her death changed my response to life and death since then, and how losing a loved one sets powerful forces into motion. It certainly wakes us up in ways we’ll never forget!

Throughout life, we all get news from time to time that someone we knew, or cared about, or loved, has died. Mostly we don’t know what to say, since death itself is beyond our speculations and opinions. When we are with those who have lost loved ones, we say what we can to try to comfort the bereaved, but words really can’t adequately address the jagged edge of the pain we all feel together when a loved one dies.

While I used to feel helpless in those moments, over time I found those are the exact moments when our loving Self can come forth, whether in silence or expression. Those are the “time out of time” minutes and hours when a door between worlds is opened, and we can take a fearless look at something which transcends our “normal” existence. If we choose to face our fear, our aversions, and our assumptions that tumble out at a significant death, we find they do not trouble us in the future. That’s the blessing of keeping an open heart while putting our mind into neutral during a journey into what I call “the death zone.”

Blyth would have been 31 today. I cannot conceive of what she would have looked like, or what her life experience would have been had she lived. While it has always comforted me to know we are Eternals who occasionally have human experiences and so she and I are united on a higher level of Life, I still wonder how that bond would have played out in this world. It no longer causes me sorrow to contemplate all she and I did not get to experience, but it’s still part of the greater Mystery of my life.

Everyone freezes up a little (or a lot) when they hear a loved one has died. While the shock passes into the subsequent stages of grief, over time there is a tendency in us all to let it be, and try not to think about it too much. However, in my experience of trying to heal I found it was important to explore the deep pain of the wound and not ignore it or suppress it.

By working through the grief we all feel when a loved one dies, we open the door to an emotional and spiritual strength unknown before then. In facing death, we deal with our own mortality, since we too will follow our loved ones into the Heavenworld when it’s our time to leave. By learning to grieve in healthy ways, we open the door to healing our deepest pain and fear, and learn how to navigate the deeper waters of Life, transforming our suffering into strength and wisdom.

In Love Dad I speak of another profound loss where I took refuge in my spiritual practice, only to find myself frustrated at the pain that remained unresolved by that spiritual practice. Those were the times I had to use other tools to get through the “dark night of the Soul,” avoid doing anything that would make the pain worse, and keep a courageous attitude while journeying through the underworld across the River Styx. I found if I kept an open mind and an open heart, learning all I could about grieving in healthy ways and not suppressing the pain, over time I was more at ease in my journey, and actually found a timeless vast feeling empathy for all others who have lost loved ones.

The fact of life is if there is love between two people, one will die first. The other is left to grieve, and that grief bears witness to the love you shared. While death never feels good, it can open us to a greater power, love, wisdom, and courage than we ever knew before. Death is the gateway to destroying fear.

By moving through the feelings associated with grief, we come to realize we are not alone, and share a common experience with the rest of the world. By moving through grief, we learn emotional fluidity and ways of accepting the deeper feelings of being human, with all the painful goodbyes we go through. As we learn to deal with the pain and sorrow of loss, we are less paralyzed by those in the future, and when others are suffering from a profound loss, we can be the living witness that they can heal if they choose to do so. Even when we have no words of comfort, our very presence provides the empathy they feel which encourages them to know on the deepest levels that there is a way back from the depths of sorrow to a renewed life.

An important phrase has been front and center for me the last few years. It’s ancient, and the wisdom is something to keep near you at all times. “Never lament getting old – it’s a privilege denied to many.” It’s sure enabled me to get over a lot of fear and illusions I once carried, since the longer I’ve lived, the more loved ones I’ve lost.

This year, as always, I revisited a few posts from previous years. This piece seemed perfect to express something I feel deeply, to the bottom of my Being. It is something I gave you in my 2017 offering “The Reality of Death, the Reality of Life, the Reality of Love.” For your consideration,

Death is a fact of life. We all deal with death throughout our lives. No one escapes confronting what has died, what is dying, and what will die. That’s why accepting each death for what it is and knowing we must do whatever it takes to heal is of utmost importance in finding our way to a sense of connection with all of Life. By honoring our healing process, we are offered opportunities to find the strength and courage that can lead us to a greater unconditional Love.

This year I have been contemplating the profound voids that accompany the many kinds of deaths we all experience throughout our lives. If we live to any age at all, we will experience the death of friends and loved ones. As we age, we also experience the death of dreams, the death of beliefs, and the death of ways of life. When these die, we again confront our need to move into and through the grief we feel and do whatever it takes to heal the best we’re able.

Recently, I have pondered other sorts of collective deaths of ideas and ideals that we all feel. I believe we are in a state of collective shock and grief over the death of any pretense of honesty in our elections, the death of civility in public dialog, and the death of any standard of decency in our national political arena. These no longer seem to exist, nor does any desire to emulate the gentility, civility, and common respect that once existed in our society.

In recent months, due the ugliness in our collective dialog, I have witnessed the death of families. The bonds of affection and trust can take a lifetime to forge, and vanish in an instant. When loyalty, humor, tolerance, and mutual respect are gone, and we confront intolerable attitudes and conditions, it kills the family bond. And yet, the death of those biological bonds also opens new relationships with those who are more your true family than your biological relations.

This led me to a realization that across the many lifetimes of our eternal existence, we have had ten thousand fathers and mothers, ten thousand sisters and brothers, ten thousand sons and daughters, and ten thousand aunts and uncles. While we lose some, we gain others, both in this life and across lifetimes. While the death of family ties is always difficult, we have had many families, and where there is joy, we find our true family.

On one level, everyone who touches us deeply is part of our Mystery of awakening to our Divine Nature. Some come for a moment, some for years, some for a lifetime and beyond. Each one we love opens the door to a greater Love, and the blessing of learning emotional fluidity and healthy responses as we journey through Life.

And sometimes they die. Then we are left to grieve the best we’re able. Entering the deep waters of feelings accompanying the death of a loved one enables us to know and BE more than we ever were before. Each has their own modes of “healthy grief,” and what works for one may not work for another, and what works at one time may not work at another.

All grief work is an experiment in learning how to love anew, live anew, and become more compassionate in the face of universal human suffering. It requires patience, acceptance, humility, and willingness to do whatever it takes to heal. While there are no guarantees on how or when a healthy grief process will result in a renewed life, it’s still the only thing we can do if we are ever to find our way back from the underworld to a reasonably happy existence.

If you grieve, take heart, have courage, and you will find your way to the other side if you persist in doing the grief work you need to do. As you find your way back to the Light of a Loving Life, you will be able to comfort others who grieve, and in offering kindness to those who suffer, you will help the world to heal.

As I’ve offered before, I know this journey is endless, and I have found a constant joy in the dimensions of unconditional love my daughter opened for me. Though she left this world over 3 decades ago, she opened me to a never-ending sense of her eternal presence, and I am certainly a more loving and compassionate man than I ever was before she came and left so quickly so long ago.

And so on this 31st anniversary of her birth and death, I can again say I was blessed beyond description for the experience. I will close with something I give you each year:

May all of you who have lost a loved one find comfort and healing in the courage, compassion, and unconditional love that you were offered from that death. Death is a fact of life. And love is stronger than death.

Happy 31st Birthday, Blyth. You've changed my life and countless other lives forever. Thank you for making me a better man. Love, Dad.

****************************************

If you want to order a paperback copy of the book I wrote about my ordeal and path back to a loving, fulfilled life, you can find it at Love, Dad: Healing the Grief of Losing a Stillborn. (Just make sure the subtitle says “stillborn” rather than “child,” since this second edition clarifies this work was written as a result of a full term birth loss and updates all the global numbers related to pregnancy and infant loss.

Though it was written as a result of the death of a child, what is explored in the work are ways to move through grieving any loss of any loved one, whether child, parent, sibling, pet, friend, or any other. It can also help you understand what the bereaved are going through, and perhaps help you to be a more compassionate caregiver, if that's your privilege.

If you want to explore more about the grieving and healing process, please visit my previous articles. Each one covers different elements and approaches to healing our grief. These articles cover different things than are offered in the book, while elaborating on some of the core concepts and related issues. And of course, give yourself some space and time, since they will bring up some very deep feelings.

From 2006: Love, Dad - Bereavement, Grief, and Healing After A Significant Death

From 2007: Coping With Loss and the Grief That Honors A Love

From 2008: For Those Who Grieve the Loss of A Child

From 2009: Death, Loss, Grief and Bereavement - Honoring the Sacred Moment

From 2010: To Those Who Grieve the Death of A Loved One

From 2011: Death is A Fact of Life, And Love is Stronger Than Death

From 2012: Letting Go Of Emotional Heaviness

From 2013: Losing Loved Ones – Grief in the 21st Century

From 2014: Overcoming Fear of Death

From 2015: Healthy Grief Leads To A Healthy Life

From 2016: Remembering Blyth and the Road Not Traveled

From 2017: The Reality of Death, the Reality of Life, the Reality of Love

From 2018: A Long Day’s Journey Through Life and Death and Life

Copyright © 2019 Robert Wilkinson

Comments

[Philipp Manser]

I love you Robert

[Nic]

"May all of you who have lost a loved one find comfort and healing in the courage, compassion, and unconditional love that you were offered from that death. "

Blessings be to all.

[Corinne]

Robert, thank you for sharing this day with us year after year. It is truly a privilege to read your writing on this matter. Your open heart is inspiring.

[Lady Shamla Rose]

My Beautiful Beloved Robert Wilkinson

Thank you very much for your time and energy and self exploration.

They say that losing a child is the deepest trauma one can ever experience. Even more than losing a spouse or partner. Probably only others who have borne the same loss as you have will have the same understanding at a particular soul level.

The greatest lesson (and perhaps the ONLY one), we come to Mother Earth for is to LEARN LOVE and BE LOVE. As difficult as the path may be, LOVE is real. And very possible.

Then peace and joy grow too!

I wish you great Love, Peace and Joy. Today, and always!

In divine friendship
Lady Shamla Rose

[Maria Alejandra]

Sending love to you Robert today and always. Thank you for sharing this with your readers and for all you do. It helps more than you may know.