The Spirituality of Learning to Say No

by Robert Wilkinson

I was in a discussion about the importance of learning when we can and should say no to someone or something. While that might not seem like a big deal, it is to millions of us who were raised to believe that we should always be polite and considerate, even more so to those who are family and friends. Well, as the song goes, “It ain’t necessarily so....”

We all come into life feeling alone except for what family we have. Some are closer, some are more distant, all have times they can create a problem, and most are not saints or Sages. Still, we believe because they are “family” it means we can trust them and are supposed to like them.

It is the same with friends. While true friends are a blessing for life, across the years we have met countless others who wanted to “be friends” with us, and/or we wanted to “be friends” with them. In my life, those friendships lasted anywhere from 2 weeks to 35 years.

With both family and friends, we feel an affinity with them. We like to have good times with them, listen to them and talk to them, and create and enjoy good experiences. No doubt we cultivated those bonds in other times, as well as this lifetime. That’s why we found each other. We want to believe those in our family of origin are our friends, and in our friends we will find our Brothers and Sisters.

However, it’s a fact of life that no matter how much we may try to get along with our family, (as well as some of our friends), all too often we find ourselves in situations where it’s become unpleasant, even more so if we openly disagree with what’s happening. Sometimes speaking up is very difficult, especially if the other person is saying something we cannot agree with. Then do we speak up, or not?

It’s a problem in the human condition that some people choose to believe they have the right to be toxic whenever they please without anyone else saying anything about it. And yet, if we don’t speak up, it is often taken as agreement with what they’re saying. And if we do speak up, we encounter the anger of their subconscious mind, which wants us to agree with it.

Those are times we learn the virtue of saying no, even if silently. Agreement to something we know is hurtful is not a virtue; cooperation with the toxic attitudes, feelings, and acts of another will only lead us into a ditch. There are times which define a relationship with any other person in our lives where we choose what we will not accept. That’s when we become clear about the boundary between our health and another’s toxicity, and must trust our ability to change our response to another, knowing if they are our friend they’ll still be there, and if they’re not, then we’ll know the truth.

I believe we can trust others, but only to be themselves. People change, and so do relationships. We all grow through the choices we make, and become different people than we were when we were younger. We are not part of certain childhood agreements any more, by virtue of having an autonomous spiritual life. Our inner self-discipline allows us to know healthy boundaries. Those can help us deal with unpleasant family situations.

In any family, there are rules and assumptions, both spoken and unspoken. We’re supposed to “get along,” not become estranged, and put up with whatever because “you know that’s how they are.” I’ve found I am better off not agreeing to that just because someone else is telling me I should. If your true family are those people you are safe to be with, then if they are not safe to be with, they are not your true family. It’s okay to be absent from somewhere you don’t need to be.

When we’re young, we only know the boundaries determined by our parents. Then we get a sense of tribal boundaries determined by our family, both nuclear and extended. There are rules and approvals and taboos and attitudes in which we live and learn personality affectations. Over time our personality takes shape based in our choices, some of which are beyond the expectations, assumptions, and beliefs of our family and friends.

Then we realize we’ve changed, and don’t agree to some things we used to agree with. At that point, we also realize that many in our lives are relating to us as if we were frozen at some earlier point in time. It may or may not be a good thing to speak up, since with some people it’s more trouble than it’s worth. And when we do choose to speak up, we have to deal with the consequences of shattering an image another has of who they believe we are.

That’s when we learn who our family and friends really are, since our true family and friends will welcome the opportunity to open to how we’ve grown, rather than put us down or denigrate how we’ve become different, or demand an explanation for why we aren’t as we “used to be” in their minds. That’s when a lot we both took for granted up to that point becomes grist for an honest discussion, or a flashpoint for conflict.

We all take a lot for granted until we realize that some of our family members are not our friends, or realize that someone who has been a friend for a long time is no longer a friend. That’s the edge of the boundary of knowing ourselves, since those forks in the road of life in a family or friendship allow us to choose to act on our own behalf, stepping outside of another’s assumptions and expectations.

Our life experiences help us know boundaries and limits. In our spiritual evolution, we learn how to dispel the glamors of the world so we aren’t seduced by them. While we often want “the glamor of being liked,” from time to time we cannot just go along with the illusions and projections others are trying to lay on us. That’s when we must say no.

Through learning what to say “yes” to, and what to say “no” to, we narrow our focus. This is necessary so we can be effective in the moment and understand how to steer our ship of personality to the ends we believe are most desirable. Through it all we learn the boundaries between past and future, yes and no, so we stay on a coherent life evolutionary track and aren’t led into a ditch either of our own or another’s making.

That’s why regardless of how close or distant we are from our family or friends, we always have to be able to step back from their and our assumptions and ask whether agreement with what’s being said or done is appropriate or not. It’s always okay to go one’s own way when something isn’t true for us.

Remember, in the course of our Eternal evolution, we’ve had countless fathers and mothers, sisters and brothers, sons and daughters, aunts and uncles, and other nuclear family members. We’ve had countless false friends and true friends, and many different Spiritual Brothers and Sisters along the way. Our only task is to become the Loving Light of Truth that we Are, which means sometimes saying no to the old and yes to the new, no to the lesser and yes to the greater, no to the darkness and yes to the Light.

© Copyright 2019 Robert Wilkinson

Comments

[Jo Garceau]

Thanks for another thoughtful piece.

One of the true joys in life is to encounter unexpectedly someone you've never known before in this lifetime and yet she or he is closer than hundreds of others you've encountered.

[Carla M]

Thank you for summarizing so well, and putting into words, this ongoing life lesson! 💕
Sending gratitude for your daily sharing🙏🏼

[Heather]

Learning to say “no” and set boundaries was one of the hardest lessons I have ever had to learn and also one of the most empowering. Thank you for a most insightful article.

[Joanne]

Thanks for your words of wisdom! I had to sever a toxic relationship with my Mother several years ago. I have been much happier without it. My life improved enormously from day one. I believe that the negative karma just keeps getting worse for all involved until someone stops the bloodshed! Namaste and Thank-you!

[sue]

The words of Jesus come to me...
When surrounded by toxicity..."by their fruits ..."

My toxic mother died as Pluto made an exact conjunction to my Moon in the 8th house. Looking on the bright side...having toxic parents teaches you how NOT to be...

[Viki]

Wonderful article Robert, and an excellent reminder to be true to ourselves and that it is OK to set boundaries.

So much of the spiritual literature I've read talks about "acceptance," and I had to learn that making boundaries is necessary and healthy. A challenge to my first house Moon-Neptune-Mercury conjunction in a water sign.

[nancy]

You put it all into words more clearly than I can. the last few years I have had to let totally go and no contact with my birth family. both parents have been gone years now. my eldest son is a helpful insightful man to discuss all this with. seems when I grew above with what I will tolerate and not tolerate with firm boundaries..my grown sons did too. unfortunate that they had cut ties with a toxic father. even our grown children have ways teaching us too. same goes with the old friends.anyways thank you for this share and spiritual guidance. appreciated.

[Mar]

Thank you for this lovely piece of writing filled with wisdom.

I've come a long way on my spiritual evolution while reading your texts. In the beginning it was a bit of a challenge for a non-English speaker but now, 10 years later, as I'm realizing the Consciousness in me every word makes sense. So thank you for being one of my many mentors. Om Namah Shivaya.