Facing Death, Facing Life

by Robert Wilkinson

As many of you know, on this day thirty three years ago I was put on a quest I never wanted, never invited, but somehow anticipated after it was too far gone to turn back. I joined “the world’s most reluctant club,” and from that point on was led through hell and back.Today is about finding strength and courage in facing loss so we may live a greater Life.

It is said there are only two significant points in a human life; birth and death. After early childhood, we make everything else in between, for better or for worse. We welcome new experiences we hope will be “good;” we avoid new experiences we believe will be “bad;” and yet what we call Destiny, or Dharma, or Tao, calls us ever-forward, one step at a time, one day at a time, until we too lay down the joyous burden of our Spirit dragging our body through this existence.

While we may be Eternals having human experiences, some of those experiences are very difficult, as they bring us face to face with universal truths about life and death. Though we may grow through pleasant experiences, we are called to our strength through painful experiences which teach us how to manage our feelings and attitudes despite being in chaotic agony.

We come into life without understanding, without wisdom, and without any control over our lives. We learn to fear the unknown, and yet often find ourselves dealing with unknowns because we must grow, whether we want to or not. As an ancient Chinese book of Wisdom states, “those who will not heed must be made to feel.” For a people who are taught we should not feel too much, that creates a lot of unnecessary suffering for us.

In learning how to feel all there is to feel, there is no way to avoid pain, especially the pain accompanying death and loss. I once heard a great educator speak a great truth: that we fail our young when we do not teach them that death and the passing of all we know or believe are facts of life. I have contemplated that statement throughout my journey of existence. As we experience many deaths throughout our lives, we learn that because all living forms die at some point, we’re all living with a “death sentence,” which means we also are living a “life sentence.” Since tomorrow is not guaranteed, how will we live today, here and now?

Many things we learn and encounter when we’re young set us up to learn that all forms do pass away. We see people move, people disappear, and sometimes we’re even told when they die. We learn that we feel gigantic feelings at each loss, and yet also are told to “get over it.” I never could figure out what that meant. How can you “get over” the death of a friend? How can you “get over” the death of your grandparents, or any other family member? How can you “get over” the death of your child?

Over the years, I’ve heard a lot of harsh judgments along the way, putting blame and fault on the dead and the living. When I was young, I was told “the good” went to “heaven” and “the bad” went to “hell.” And yet I remember some who were “good” were not that good, and those who were considered “bad” were some of my best friends who lived, loved, and were good company as we laughed together.

This past year (and the year before that!) I’ve lost more than a few friends through various diseases. Each time I felt a tremendous sense of loss. When I look back on what we shared, I wish I had taken more time to hang with them, even though the pandemic made it impossible to be with them in person. We are all dealing with the sense of separation enforced by a virus which can kill us in a matter of hours. This is helping many of us re-focus on what really matters, as well as the reality that death is ever at our elbow, whether we know it or not.

I was ever hopeful for a better tomorrow when I was young. I was taught to ignore the deep grief I felt when friends died. I was never taught how to deal with a simple fact that death is a fact of life. I was taught to assume a lot, and “hope for the best.” So I accepted that view, and stumbled through a lot of life without feeling much.

We are taught to hope for outcomes which make us comfortable and happy within the cultural matrix we live in, and “put behind us” the hard experiences which throw us into our personal hell. And yet, despite our desire to avoid the hard experiences, when we find ourselves under the pressure of necessity we can claim our strength, courage, and willingness to find a reason to keep embracing life’s adventures. A universal in the human evolutionary plan is the realization that when we embark on a journey of experience, we often learn things we never wanted to learn and feel things we never wanted to feel.

I always believed that having children was a natural part of life. It was never explained to me that some people cannot have children, or had children who died. I never realized when I was young how much I wasn’t told about life, but certainly learned a lot of hard truths along the way. One of the hardest was the fact that all forms pass away for everyone. There is no permanence in this reality, and we all face eternal endings and beginnings as long as we are alive and functioning.

While this brought me great sadness when I was younger, I also learned that whatever is taken away yields a void we can fill any way we choose. I have known many who became discouraged, depressed, and bitter when their child died; I have known many who refused to accept they could not have children, and almost died in the process of trying. And I have known that redemption of our Life, Light, and Love are possible if we stay open to these. By releasing my conditional love, I found Unconditional Love.

A long time ago I wrote about my journey from life to death and back to life in Love Dad: Healing the Grief of Losing A Stillborn. I have just completed a second edition which is available via the link at the bottom In it I share my experience of what I went through in healing the worst pain of my lifetime. It is a “grief manual” for anyone dealing with the loss of their child, and a record of what I experienced, what I learned, and how I healed.

I faced a lot of pain and learned a lot of truth from facing her death and the feelings I went through when in the underworld for the 6 years, 11 months, and 2 weeks before my life went from 3-dimensional black and white to technicolor and I wasn’t experiencing deep grief as I had. Here’s a piece from the introduction of the second edition which is not in the first edition:

Over time, I’ve learned the death of a child leads us to reinterpret everything we’ve been taught and think we know. I care about things I didn’t feel before. I am aware of things I wasn’t before. Her death opened me to the shared feelings all parents feel when their child dies….

As a result of my long journey through the valley of the shadow I have come out unafraid of much of anything. In feeling indescribable pain, I found compassion for others in pain. I have learned how to endure the impossible, and in the process I have learned a universal truth: While life is painful we do not have to suffer. By breaking the link between pain and suffering, we come to a greater love and wisdom because of our experience, and can help others who also are in pain.

I am still in awe of the divine process in play since Blyth came and went so quickly. My life has transformed in miraculous ways because I chose to learn, accept, and embrace healing myself one day at a time. Blyth helped me become a better person by calling me to examine every response, every motive, every feeling inside of me and be as loving and kind as I was able, to myself and others, in each moment.

From another part:

It takes courage to grieve the loss of our loved one in healthy ways, because we must keep our hearts open while not knowing when it will end. In our courage to face our fear, our anger, and our desire to avoid feeling the pain, we purify our hearts and minds, and become stronger human beings.

After thirty three years walking this path, I know we each have to get through the night as best we can. I also know that as we heal our pain, at some point we are no longer suffer because we come to realize our pain is the pain of countless others and part of the human experience. As we learn to break the link between pain and suffering in ourselves, we demonstrate the redemptive healing power of Love.

As we persist in love, we become stronger in Love. As we become stronger in our Love, we become the Love we seek, and are able to offer that Love to others we meet. We are the Loving, Wise Understanding they seek in their grief, and are living witnesses to the power of Love to heal all wounds over time.

I have found a constant joy in the dimensions of growth my daughter opened for me. Though she left this world over three decades ago, she opened me to a never-ending sense of her eternal presence, and I am certainly a more loving and compassionate man than I ever was before she came and left so quickly so long ago. I can certainly affirm I was blessed beyond description for the experience.

I will close with something I have offered others who know the sting of losing a loved one and struggle with their grief:

May all of you who have lost a loved one find comfort and healing in the courage, compassion, and unconditional love you were offered from that death. Death is a fact of life. And love is stronger than death.

Thank you, Blyth. You've changed my life and countless other lives forever. Thank you for making me a better man. Love, Dad.

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If you want to order a paperback copy of the book I wrote about my ordeal and path back to a loving, fulfilled life, you can find it at Love, Dad: Healing the Grief of Losing a Stillborn. (Just make sure the subtitle says “stillborn” rather than “child,” since this second edition clarifies this work was written as a result of a full term birth loss and updates all the global numbers related to pregnancy and infant loss.

Though it was written as a result of the death of a child, what is explored in the work are ways to move through grieving any loss of any loved one, whether child, parent, sibling, pet, friend, or any other. It can also help you understand what the bereaved are going through, and perhaps help you to be a more compassionate caregiver, if that's your privilege.

If you want to explore more about the grieving and healing process, please visit my previous articles. Each one covers different elements and approaches to healing our grief. These articles cover different things than are offered in the book, while elaborating on some of the core concepts and related issues. And of course, give yourself some space and time, since they will bring up some very deep feelings.

From 2006: Love, Dad - Bereavement, Grief, and Healing After A Significant Death

From 2007: Coping With Loss and the Grief That Honors A Love

From 2008: For Those Who Grieve the Loss of A Child

From 2009: Death, Loss, Grief and Bereavement - Honoring the Sacred Moment

From 2010: To Those Who Grieve the Death of A Loved One

From 2011: Death is A Fact of Life, And Love is Stronger Than Death

From 2012: Letting Go Of Emotional Heaviness

From 2013: Losing Loved Ones – Grief in the 21st Century

From 2014: Overcoming Fear of Death

From 2015: Healthy Grief Leads To A Healthy Life

From 2016: Remembering Blyth and the Road Not Traveled

From 2017: The Reality of Death, the Reality of Life, the Reality of Love

From 2018: A Long Day’s Journey Through Life and Death and Life

From 2019: Grief Is Essential To Grow Into A Greater Life and Love

From 2020: The Death Of Our Loved Ones Shows Us the Redemptive Power of Love

Copyright © 2021 Robert Wilkinson

Comments

[Nic]

Blessings be Robert. We have walk that path together, belong to the same "Club" and shared experiences. Your book came "late" to my experience, but it help me understand the past, the present I was living and the future that could be. For that you have my eternal gratitude.

Blessings be to you, to Blythe and to everyone else.