Life and Death Teach Us To Let Go With Grace and Courage

by Robert Wilkinson

As my long time readers know, January 9, 1988, changed my life forever. I had to say hello and goodbye to my life in the span of about 12 hours. It was breathtaking in its intensity and speed, but then so were all the other times I unexpectedly confronted the death of a dear one.

Because I’ve lived a long life, I’ve known a lot of death. It began when I was in my 20s, and my 30s brought the death of about 80% of my friends. Sometimes I didn’t know they had died until months or years later. Yesterday I was reminded of that when another dear friend was trying to cope with losing a bunch of her long-time friends in just the past few weeks. But then if one lives long enough, one does say goodbye to many faces of the past, while learning to treasure the faces we can still love and laugh with, seeing the light of the Soul in the eyes of our friends.

Because we are human, we are learning to expand our feeling awareness, for better or worse. The only way to grow into a healthy way of feeling, loving, and grieving is to face whatever we have to face with as good an attitude as we can find in order not to be shattered by life’s difficulties. And because we live in an impermanent reality, we must learn to cope with the truth that eventually all forms pass away. Learning to say goodbye and cope with death and loss is a feature, not a bug, of being human.

We are born as feeling and thinking Beings. As we learn to feel, we experience a greater connection to others. This is a product of empathy and compassion. But we aren’t born perfect. We feel as children, but often our emotions are confusing and no one explains why we’re having them or how to understand them. And because we are part of One Life together, we do feel the feelings of others, as well as all the subtle feelings in the ocean of the collective consciousness in which we swim and experience life.

I’ve been sad since I can remember. I didn’t know why when I was younger, but over time I recognized that because I’m connected with all that is, I feel all there is to feel. And because we share our common humanity within “All That Is,” I’ve also found that often the sorrow we feel should not be taken personally, particularly when we’re feeling the Weltschmertz, the pain of the world. While we all feel emotions which seem beyond us, it’s better than not feeling who we are within the larger World Soul. If we didn’t grow in our feeling-awareness, we wouldn’t be human.

If we live to any age at all, we all experience the death of loved ones. As it seems with every year at this time of my life, over the past 12 months I’ve heard of more friends and loved ones who died or are dying. I also unexpectedly found the obits of three of my childhood teachers and mentors who have died within the past few years, which flooded me with memories while bringing me back to the here and now at how far I’ve come these past 55 years since I was taught by them.

There are many other types of death. When a relationship of decades dies, it’s always too fast. A recent painful loss involved my loss of trust and faith in someone I’ve known for over 40 years who for whatever reasons chose to be vicious and self-serving rather than gracious. I always believed that decades of loyalty and true friendship offered to someone would be a bond greater than egotism and pure selfishness. This past year I have again learned that isn’t necessarily so. There is no accounting for the choices another might make, beyond destructive yet carelessly and casually done as though it were tossing a random stranger to the curb. And so again I get to walk on, with one more long-time friend choosing a road which will never intersect with my life path.

Sometimes a musician dies who leaves me feeling like I’ve lost a friend. I get flooded with memories of when their music accompanied a memorable and sometimes transforming experience. At times I wish I had experienced more, better, deeper but I’ve learned that’s my mind making an unfair comparison about something which couldn’t have happened. As it was once sung, “No one can criticize you as long as what you’re doing is your best.” And that’s always in the present, since that’s where we live every day of our lives.

One thing is for sure: tomorrow is not guaranteed. I remember taking my days for granted until I was brought to an experience showing me that our next moment is not guaranteed. That led me to realize all I have is this moment. The past exists only in my memory, and my future in my dreams, but the present moment is all I have.

That led me to a question which has been a guiding light, dispelling any confusion or shadows I might have about how to view my life. Because tomorrow is not guaranteed, how am I living today? That naturally led me to ask myself in each moment “Where is my head at? Where is my heart at, right here and now?”

This ongoing revelation is one of the greatest blessings and “mental mantras” my departed daughter brought me. I am less troubled by memories and less anxious about what is to come since my journey began 34 years ago which took me through 7 years of hell before I found my way back to a life which has been profoundly fulfilling along the way.

I don’t like it when a loved one dies. We all feel badly when someone close to us dies. And yet, because we are eternal Soul/Spirits, we are left with the love we shared. That’s the only thing I’ve found is a universal refuge for the sorrow we feel at a death, whether of a person, a way of life, or a dream unfulfilled. As I offered in Love Dad: Healing the Grief of Losing A Stillborn, when in deep grief, sometimes the best we can do is “breathe and love and breathe and love and breathe and….”

It’s hard to process certain types of loss. We can usually buy off our minds with some sort of reason, but sometimes there is literally no reason for a loss. Sometimes losses come as a result of a natural process ending; other times human choices create wreckage which can never be repaired. And because we ultimately have no ability to make anyone “do the right thing,” when they do the wrong thing, everyone suffers, even if the person destroying a relationship has no idea what they’re doing or what damage will result.

We are told to forgive; that’s always a good thing, since ultimately one cannot do anything except to accept the loss and move on, freed from old attachments. This creates the space for Grace to move us into a new view. Sometimes forgiveness, of ourselves if no one else, is all we can do. When life deals us a dirt sandwich, either we eat it or walk away. I’d just as soon walk away as eat dirt, having tried that too many times when I was younger. While the pain of the past can hurt, the freedom of embracing something better helps us remember that life goes on and we’re not trapped in the past.

This year my losses have hit me hard; not just new losses, but losses from not long ago, as well as those from far away once upon a time. Sometimes I go through things which remind me of old losses; I find the wound still hurts, even though I’ve done years of work to heal it. I don’t think we ever forget, nor should we, since our sorrows are grist for the mill of Soul. On the other hand, that’s the blessing of death, since it wipes the slate of memory clean and we don’t have to remember how we got to feeling as much pain as we do.

Yes, the pain crosses lifetimes. Believe it or not, this has been established by scientific research. We all have “cosmic memory,” and learn to deal with it as best we can in a world which would rather avoid cosmic memory than clean it up. It’s why we all go through confusion about what we’re feeling and why, and what we must learn to deal with if we are to heal our deep grief we share with all of humanity.

We all feel pain. Life is painful, but as a wise One once wrote, we do not have to suffer. Breaking the link between pain and suffering is a phenomenal task, and never accomplished with as much grace or divinity as any of us would like. I suppose our opinion of how we learn to break the link between pain and suffering doesn’t matter as much as our ability to help ourselves and others transmute suffering into compassion the best we’re able.

* * * * * * * * *

A long time ago I wrote about my journey from life to death and back to life in Love Dad: Healing the Grief of Losing A Stillborn. I published a second edition with additions which is available via the link at the bottom In it I share my experience of what I went through in healing the worst pain of my lifetime. It is a “grief manual” for anyone dealing with the loss of their child, and a record of what I experienced, what I learned, and how I healed.

Here’s a piece from the introduction of the second edition which is not in the first edition:

It takes courage to grieve the loss of our loved one in healthy ways, because we must keep our hearts open while not knowing when it will end. In our courage to face our fear, our anger, and our desire to avoid feeling the pain, we purify our hearts and minds, and become stronger human beings.

After thirty four years walking this path, I know we each have to get through the night as best we can. I also know that as we heal our pain, at some point we no longer suffer because we come to realize our pain is the pain of countless others and part of the human experience. As we learn to break the link between pain and suffering in ourselves, we demonstrate the redemptive healing power of Love.

As we persist in love, we become stronger in Love. As we become stronger in our Love, we become the Love we seek, and are able to offer that Love to others we meet. We are the Loving, Wise Understanding they seek in their grief, and are living witnesses to the power of Love to heal all wounds over time.

I have found a constant joy in the dimensions of growth my daughter opened for me. Though she left this world over three decades ago, she opened me to a never-ending sense of her eternal presence, and I am certainly a more loving and compassionate man than I ever was before she came and left so quickly so long ago. I can certainly affirm I was blessed beyond description for the experience.

I will close with something I have offered others who know the sting of losing a loved one and struggle with their grief:

May all of you who have lost a loved one find comfort and healing in the courage, compassion, and unconditional love you were offered from that death. Death is a fact of life. And love is stronger than death

Thank you, Blyth. You've changed my life and countless other lives forever. Thank you for making me a better man. Love, Dad.

****************************************

If you want to order a paperback copy of Love Dad, please go to the Amazon page Love, Dad - Healing the Grief of Losing A Stillborn. (Just make sure the subtitle says “stillborn” rather than “child,” since this second edition clarifies this work was written as a result of a full term birth loss and updates all the global numbers related to pregnancy and infant loss. There’s also an ebook if you’d prefer.)

Though it was written as a result of the death of a stillborn child, what is explored in the work are ways to move through grieving any loss of any loved one, whether child, parent, sibling, pet, friend, or any other. It can also help you understand what the bereaved are going through, and perhaps help you to be a more compassionate caregiver, if that's your privilege.

If you want to explore more about the grieving and healing process, please visit my previous articles. Each one covers different elements and approaches to healing our grief. These articles cover different things than are offered in the book, while elaborating on some of the core concepts and related issues. And of course, give yourself some space and time, since they will bring up some very deep feelings.

From 2006: Love, Dad - Bereavement, Grief, and Healing After A Significant Death

From 2007: Coping With Loss and the Grief That Honors A Love

From 2008: For Those Who Grieve the Loss of A Child

From 2009: Death, Loss, Grief and Bereavement - Honoring the Sacred Moment

From 2010: To Those Who Grieve the Death of A Loved One

From 2011: Death is A Fact of Life, And Love is Stronger Than Death

From 2012: Letting Go Of Emotional Heaviness

From 2013: Losing Loved Ones – Grief in the 21st Century

From 2014: Overcoming Fear of Death

From 2015: Healthy Grief Leads To A Healthy Life

From 2016: Remembering Blyth and the Road Not Traveled

From 2017: The Reality of Death, the Reality of Life, the Reality of Love