by Robert Wilkinson
As long time members of this community know, January 9 is a day of solemn remembrance for me. 37 years ago today my life changed forever, and after years of doing “healthy grief work,” led me to a profound peace and inner clarity I would never have known otherwise.
I was speaking with a dear Spiritual Brother recently who is also a member of “the world’s most reluctant club.” While his death was his adult son and mine was my stillborn daughter, when you experience that type of loss you know you are one with all others who also have experienced that loss. There is always an instant respect and recognition, as well as profound sorrow, in the eyes of every one of us who has suffered a life-altering death. And there is also profound courage and strength in each one of us.
If we are fortunate enough to live long, we will know death. That’s a fact. It has been “at my elbow” my entire life, and I learned early that the profound feelings around death, the fear and wonder and apprehension and “not knowing,” are part of what we all feel. Though no one ever spoke of it when I was younger, death was ever-present and all around me. Like a giant mystery no one wanted to talk about.
When Blyth died, it reset my relationship to death. I lost plenty of friends and loved ones when I was in my early and mid-30s, and so was already feeling overwhelmed anyway. Then at age 37 her unexpected death put me into an unending nightmare for quite a while, as I describe in Love, Dad - Healing the Grief of Losing A Stillborn. What I offer there are techniques of grieving to become stronger and more heart-centered as you go through the worst shipwreck in hell anyone could endure.
As I also explain, because I chose to surf the waves of grief as long as I needed to, not knowing where I was going, I figured I should “make friends” with that deep state of conscious awareness. I couldn’t escape the pain or the overwhelming need to grieve, so I embraced the fact that I was probably going to be in an altered state for the rest of my life.
While the pain was ego-shattering at first, I found that through working with my grief process I achieved an ever-present awareness of the Eternal in my life on a moment to moment basis. I was given countless opportunities to be loving rather than angry, self-pitying, or going numb. Because my ego assumptions had been shattered forever, I found I was aware of choices to love I had not noticed before.
She made me more aware in a present tense sense of the aliveness of everything, and the ever-present Love we all are together, we who are here and we who are “on the other side.” That has helped me help others who were on their way to the other side of life, and release any fear I used to have before she died. It’s like learning not to fear or resist simply “being in the underworld” for all those years has allowed me to assist others with their fear of death, as well as be with those who are dying without feeling troubled about being there.
Which brings me to 2024, when I lost a Spiritual Brother and healer who had been one of my best friends since 1976, and a Spiritual Sister shaman I met in 1981 and did trans-species interactive work with at a sacred mountain lake for many years in the 1990s. While he was in his 70s and she was in her 80s, it’s still a profound thing to know someone you’ve known for decades has died.
In both cases, they had urgent medical emergencies which led to their death just a few weeks after hospitalization. So though I grieve losing them, it’s also a blessing they died quickly. I found myself doing prayers to assist the movement of their Souls through the Bardo, the zone between the frequencies of Earth and the frequencies of Heaven. I’ve also found myself loving them and even at times felt near to their Souls as I affirmed them moving toward the Light and the Music of the Spheres.
As I write these words, countless animals have lost their lives in wildfires in Los Angeles, and many I know fear the devastation of everything in their lives turning to cinders. This is the nature of life on Earth. One way and another, we are forced to "let go let god," even if it's the most painful things we could feel. While I'm grateful my loved ones sound like they're doing well, there are countless others who are not "doing well."
I’ve also heard that several other dear Spiritual Brothers are experiencing severe health problems, so have felt myself “turning toward the void,” opening to a greater love and appreciation for them every day. As some very wise men wrote a long time ago, “the love you take is equal to the love you make.” I have found that when we generate love, we become the love we seek. Though this life is about saying goodbye, we can do it in style, with love and compassion and gratitude for the love we shared with those who have departed or will depart.
* * * * * * *Because her death was 37 years ago, I can safely say that I haven’t felt the devastating sense of loss of those early years in a long time, and have found a peace I never knew before she came and went. Of course, sometimes I still wonder what she would be like, because I lost her when I was the age she would be now. So there’s a strange symmetry to how old I was and how old she would be.
I wonder what she would have looked like, what would have interested her, what education she would have chosen to pursue, and what sort of lifestyle she would have had. But it no longer feels like a void I’m seeking to fill. More like a sense of awe and wonder that someone who was here such a short time could have impacted me for 37 years.
As I offered you last year,
as much as we want comfort, this life seems to be about us rising to our challenges so we can express our heart’s love. In learning how to do that, though we are disappointed a thousand ways by people doing and saying unkind things, we can’t let the ghosts of the past give us a bad attitude, regardless of how difficult it was. All any of us can do is walk on, be well, do well, learn, grow, love and have as much compassion as we can for ourselves and others.Sometimes life is very painful. But even in the worst times of feeling badly, I realized I didn’t have to suffer. I found a lot of peace when I remembered I am a Soul/Spirit having a human experience. That helped me find freedom, peace, strength, and power in accepting I’m an Eternal learning to love life as best I can. That helps me know I can make the best of today.
The grief we feel honors the bond we shared with those who are gone. There is peace and power in the deep feelings we have when grieving, and our tears show the depth of our love. While we never know when our grief will end, at some point there is always an end to grief if we walk the walk with courage and determination. Then we become strong and can face whatever must be faced.
All those we have loved have shown us our Soul. While all forms pass away, love endures. Because love is the strongest power in the universe, even though death is a fact of life, love is stronger than death.
I know I could not have written these words without the blessing of my experience with Blyth. Though painful beyond description, her death opened me to a quest to find peace and a way to use that sorrow to understand what bereaved people feel so that I could learn to comfort others going through their own deep grief.
And so on this 37th anniversary of her death, I know that one can heal from the death of a child, a mate, a friend, an idea, or a life-long journey with all the losses which inevitably happen to all of us. I am sad that children have to endure deaths beyond their comprehension, but I am happy that I can occasionally bring comfort and encouragement to those who have lost more than they ever imagined they could. The innocence I lost helps me to speak to those innocents who struggle with unimaginable sorrow. And that’s a blessing for me.
* * * * * * * * *
I’ve given you this in past January 9 offerings. My book, Love Dad: Healing the Grief of Losing A Stillborn, details my journey from life to death and back to life. 3 years ago I published a second edition with additions. In it I share my experience of what I went through in healing the worst pain of my lifetime. It is a “grief manual” for anyone dealing with the loss of their child, and a record of what I experienced, what I learned, and how I healed.
Here’s a piece from the introduction of the second edition which is not in the first edition:
It takes courage to grieve the loss of our loved one in healthy ways, because we must keep our hearts open while not knowing when it will end. In our courage to face our fear, our anger, and our desire to avoid feeling the pain, we purify our hearts and minds, and become stronger human beings.After thirty four years walking this path, I know we each have to get through the night as best we can. I also know that as we heal our pain, at some point we no longer suffer because we come to realize our pain is the pain of countless others and part of the human experience. As we learn to break the link between pain and suffering in ourselves, we demonstrate the redemptive healing power of Love.
As we persist in love, we become stronger in Love. As we become stronger in our Love, we become the Love we seek, and are able to offer that Love to others we meet. We are the Loving, Wise Understanding they seek in their grief, and are living witnesses to the power of Love to heal all wounds over time.
I have found a constant joy in the dimensions of growth my daughter opened for me. Though she left this world over three decades ago, she opened me to a never-ending sense of her eternal presence, and I am certainly a more loving and compassionate man than I ever was before she came and left so quickly so long ago. I can certainly affirm I was blessed beyond description for the experience.
I will close with something I have offered others who know the sting of losing a loved one and struggle with their grief:
May all of you who have lost a loved one find comfort and healing in the courage, compassion, and unconditional love you were offered from that death. Death is a fact of life. And love is stronger than death
Thank you, Blyth. You've changed my life and countless other lives forever. Thank you for making me a better man. Love, Dad.
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If you want to order a paperback copy of Love Dad, please go to the Amazon page Love, Dad - Healing the Grief of Losing A Stillborn. (Just make sure the subtitle says “stillborn” rather than “child,” since this second edition clarifies this work was written as a result of a full term birth loss and updates all the global numbers related to pregnancy and infant loss. There’s also an ebook if you’d prefer.)
Though it was written as a result of the death of a stillborn child, what is explored in the work are ways to move through grieving any loss of any loved one, whether child, parent, sibling, pet, friend, or any other. It can also help you understand what the bereaved are going through, and perhaps help you to be a more compassionate caregiver, if that's your privilege.
If you want to explore more about the grieving and healing process, please visit my previous articles. Each one covers different elements and approaches to healing our grief. These articles cover different things than are offered in the book, while elaborating on some of the core concepts and related issues. And of course, give yourself some space and time, since they will bring up some very deep feelings.
From 2006: Love, Dad - Bereavement, Grief, and Healing After A Significant Death
From 2007: Coping With Loss and the Grief That Honors A Love
From 2008: For Those Who Grieve the Loss of A Child
From 2009: Death, Loss, Grief and Bereavement - Honoring the Sacred Moment
From 2010: To Those Who Grieve the Death of A Loved One
From 2011: Death is A Fact of Life, And Love is Stronger Than Death
From 2012: Letting Go Of Emotional Heaviness
From 2013: Losing Loved Ones – Grief in the 21st Century
From 2014: Overcoming Fear of Death
From 2015: Healthy Grief Leads To A Healthy Life
From 2016: Remembering Blyth and the Road Not Traveled
From 2017: The Reality of Death, the Reality of Life, the Reality of Love
From 2018: A Long Day’s Journey Through Life and Death and Life
From 2019: Grief Is Essential To Grow Into A Greater Life and Love
From 2020: The Death Of Our Loved Ones Shows Us the Redemptive Power of Love
From 2021: Facing Death, Facing Life
From 2022: Life and Death Teach Us To Let Go With Grace and Courage
From 2023: Life and Death, Interruptions, Presumptions, and Always Hope
From 2024: All Good Things Come To An End – Bad Ones Too
Copyright © 2025 Robert Wilkinson
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